𝙵𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚎

🅒🅗🅐🅟🅣🅔🅡 ➊

"If there's no struggle, there's no progress." -Fredrick Douglass

At the age of twenty-two, I still couldn't pluck up the courage to do half the things she did. I was pitiful, and a movie made for kids only rubbed salt into the wounds I already cried into. Turning Red was not good for my self-esteem.

"It's a cycle."
I keep telling myself that the days will repeat and become months, months will repeat and become years, and years will repeat and I will become lost in the endless loop.

What is the use then? Why was I crying knowing all of this? Where did it all go wrong? Why is everyone happy but me?

I turned over to my right, facing the door of my bedroom. I could hear them, why are they here? More questions than answers were swimming around in my head.

I must be the worst daughter ever to be born, but I didn't want them here, in my space. They made it feel small, claustrophobic even. The bed I was laying on, became just a bed covered by black sheets, the wall became just a wall, covered in black paint, the dresser stuffed into one corner became just a dresser, and the room became nothing, nothing that was giving an impression of life, I liked it before they came, now, I feel strange in the place I made my home.

Their footsteps bothered me, their unsynchronised breathing bothered me, their smell, and everything I used to love about them made me want to drag my hair out in anger. A year, I couldn't do this for a year. If they don't plan on leaving, then I will. I don't care where, I just know I need to go, the sooner the better.

I sat up in frustration and opened the laptop beside me on the bed. Skimming through my tabs to find my work email, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when I did. Scrolling down carefully through the unopened emails to find one that's going to get me out of here. Becoming a secondary school teacher in none english speaking countries was maybe one of the best career decisions I've ever made, yet all the schools that responded were not far enough. I flopped back down on my back, covering my face with the nearest pillow. I wish it would stiffle me.

My doorknob rattled, a knock sounded out in my room, "Dinner time, come eat something." My face scrunched up in disgust. The thought of food sickened me. my eyes took residence in the back of my head. This pillow, why won't anyone use it and stifle me?

All hope is lost. Maybe I should just book a house in the countryside far from here. Shaking my head frantically from side to side at the thought.

A house in the countryside side, in Jamaica? Who am I kidding? Even if there is a decent one, I'll die of fear or be murdered.

If I go to a hotel, I'll be broke in three months.

Relatives overseas? Too much socializing.

Teaching English abroad seemed to be my only option, and yet it was failing me. All the places that replied were way too close to home. My parents could get easy access if they tried hard enough.

Groaning into the pillow once more before tossing it aside to sit up and check my spam, there was still hope.
"Do you live nearby?" Nope.
"Moms in your area," Nope.
"You've won 10,000$.." I wish.
What did I even expect?

This is it for me. I'll jump off this damn ten story apartment. What is life anyway? Loans? Debt? Insurance? Scams? Depression? Anxiety? Sex? Money? Murder? Pretty sure those last three were in a song. Whatever it is, I haven't needed it for a while now.

No one even knows why I'm upset, the fact that they don't know makes me even more upset, it makes me even more determined to take flight. I feel suffocated. I fight to get out of bed every day without them here. My demons were enough. Are enough. I can't, won't, handle them too. I'm sick of it.

My phone started ringing, from all the way across the room on the floor where it was charging. Who could it be? It's after 8 p.m. and unlike all other protagonists out there, I have only 2 friends, the few family members that have my number are blocked at the moment. I don't want anyone calling to pity or gossip with me about what happened.

I roll off the bed using the side that's laptop free, then proceed to do the soldier crawl across the room to my phone.

"Hello?" I twist myself around and lay on my back with a gentle grunt.

"Hi, Is this Aamari Fani?" My name sounded funny coming out of this person's mouth. Their accent, whatever it was, was heavy.

"This is her. How can I help you?"

"This is Jane, from Smile Academy, in South Korea." I sat up quicker than quick, this is it, I quickly tried to estimate what time it was there, but math was never my thing so obviously, I gave up and just nodded; as if she could see me, but she continued to speak anyway. "You applied to be one of our TEFL Teachers in May, we would love to do a Zoom call with you and go over the documents as soon as possible for the upcoming term."

I shut my eyes and breathe out.

Despite what others may think, God, I know you're out there, I'm just stopping to thank you, I want to thank you for helping me to get the space I need to heal.

I changed to a more professional tone before responding.

"That sounds great. You can forward the details to my email, and we can set up the call as soon as possible."
I was feeling less agitated now. Freedom at last!

"Great, thank you for your time. Have a good day." The urge to correct her about the time zone difference was like a consistent knock on my bedroom door. She hung up before I could though. The top left side of my lips twitched up in irritation.

Rubbing my eyes, I sighed. Thiah would have said I was, "Too miserable, for nothing," but I never disagreed because I knew it was true. In fact, I never told anyone I was the opposite.

The phone beside me started to ring again. I looked at the caller ID, the first genuine smile since Thiah left slithered its way across my lips. I put my hand over my eyes and picked up the call. Tears are almost coming out.

"Jay baby!" I sang into the phone.
I could hear his chuckles on the other side. It's contagious, so I give a little laugh myself.

"Aamari baby! What are you up to?" I bite my bottom lip to try to hold it in, but everything blurts out anyway. The tears started running, and so did the news I just got.

"Nothing; just got a call. Guess who's going to teach in Korea."

"Yeah? Woohoo! You go best friend! Come look for me before you leave?" Millions of miles between us, but he could feel it. How lonely I was. He didn't need to see me. He was always busy with work and his family, so I knew he was doing this for my sake.

If I didn't know it, I'd realize it now. He's my soulmate, my peace, the place where I felt nothing but good vibes and he wasn't trying to take Thiah's place, since the day we met, he was just there, making his own space.

We made a few more jokes before we hung up. My head always hurts after our calls. I smiled too hard.

But reality crashed down once more, and I felt empty once more.
I don't deserve to be this happy.

But I was content, A couple of minutes was enough, the burden lifting for just that short time only assured me that one day it will get easier to carry, it won't be gone, but it will feel like nothing once I get used to it.