Parde

18.

It has been weeks since I am eating my food in my room, going only to the garden and library.
I never feel like eating the food which is been served to me but I do eat it for the baby's sake. I  am not feeling well since days but I just shrug it off as been nauseous, feeling heavy and mood swings were common. My back had been aching badly since today morning, also I was feeling sad and very weak.
Suddenly, I felt wet down there, I thought I was having a heavy vaginal discharge, but it didn't stop and now I was starting to have abdominal pain too.
I stood up from the couch in hope to reach the bathroom to clean myself when I saw blood over my lower and on my feet. I stood there wide eyed. I knew I was having a miscarriage. I could see the thick blood clot like mucus on the floor, I knew it was my baby. I sat on the floor beside it and looked at it sadly. I ran my hands over the blood on the floor. I was alone in my room. I couldn't think of anything. I placed my hands on my forehead and all the blood was smeared on my face. I wanted to cry out loud and shout, I needed to. But I just couldn't. Everytime I tried, I could only manage an ugly dry whimper. I looked at the thick light brown thing covered in blood and touched it. It was supposed to be my baby. I shouted and called Raj. Now, I couldn't see it. Some guards came in and they understood my condition. One stayed with me and the other went to find Raj. The guard asked me to lay on the bed and wait for vaidji. I denied. He asked me if I needed something and I again denied. He tried to pick me up to help me and again I denied. Just then, I saw Raj running towards me, I could see the worry for me in his eyes. I looked at him and finally I cried. I cried loudly and he hugged me. I knew he was sad seeing me like this, I knew he knew that his child died. I knew that he knew that I couldn't save our child, I let the baby die. I cried and cried.
He picked me up and placed me on the bed. I saw vaid ji coming in to check up on me. I could stop crying now. She asked everyone to move out of the room. Raj didn't move and I also didn't want him to go so I held his hands while crying and he sat on his knees beside the bed.
I was now feeling very weak. I could feel her lifting up my skirt. She scooped out all the blood and clots  from me. She was cleaning me and saying something to Raj. I couldn't make out her words and I slept.