38 Books

Chapter 2

Sasha 28/07/22

It's a boring Saturday evening and I don't feel like doing my school work anymore so I am going to order some chinese takeout instead.

I'm just so frustrated with all the school work, they give us too much and it's getting hard to keep track of. I've been under a lot of stress lately and I think some chinese takeout will help even just a bit. I will just pour myself a glass of wine, and watch some kind of cheesy rom-com while eating.

All the school work and all the negative energy around me has made my anxiety go crazy. For example my parents, they have been giving me a really hard time ever since I came out to them as gay, they are calling me everyday to ask if I'm 100% sure about what I am. They're telling me that I should reconsider, that I would be way happier with a woman in my life not a man. But it's not like I can just snap my my fingers and I will magically turn straight.

Also, high school is horrible. All of the teachers have been on our asses the whole semester, but thank god I am about to graduate. And because it's the end of the year they decided to give us piles of homework. It sucks but i'm just happy that i get to graduate in a month.

I'm legally an adult now so I have my own apartment, because I am 18. Also my parents did kick me out and bought me an apartment, because I came out to them. They said they couldn't handle they're perfect son being such a disgrace to our family. They are acting like I just murdered our whole blood line, but all I did was just tell them my sexual orientation.

I can't overthink too much right now, or i will probably have a panic attack. I hate having panic attacks but I can't really do anything about it since I was diagnosed with severe anxiety when i was 10, I developed it because of childhood trauma. Mainly because of my parents, they fight a lot and they use to abuse me. I don't like to talk about my childhood, the subject brings tears to my eyes. I also got diagnosed with depression at the age of 12 I still have it till this day. I hate my parents for how much stuff they have put me through.

My food has just arrived so I went to pick it up, paid and tipped the delivery man and went back inside. I ordered honey chicken and noodle soup. It smells really good.

While eating I put on some random romantic comedy movie I found on netflix. I like romantic movies but I prefer horror over romance. But I love romance books they are just the best, when I read a romance book I just can't stop. I like reading and writing poems too, I find them calming and nice.

- 29/07/22 -
It's Saturday and I don't have much planned for today. I was thinking that I could just go to a local museum I like to visit once every month. It's not like I can go out with my friends or something, because I don't really have any. I have a few and by a few I mean 2. But they are hanging out with other people. We don't really talk anyways, maybe just a couple times at school when we have the same classes. Other than that we don't keep in touch at all.

I should probably find more friends, ones that are nice and care about me and would hang out with me as much as they could. I use to have a best friend but he moved away a couple years ago. I had a crush on him when I was 14. He was the reason I found out I was gay, he was my wake up call I guess. After he moved away I slowly lost feelings for him and I never told him because he had a girlfriend and I knew he wouldn't like me back.

He was 16 and was really popular at school, everyone knew him and all the girls were crazy for him. Sometimes a little too crazy for his liking. I was a quiet kid no one knew me but I knew everyone and everything about them. I wasn't a stalker or anything I was just observant of my surroundings. I still am.

I was always more of a listener than a talker, I'm an introvert and I am socially invisible. I like it because I don't have to listen to people talking about the stupidest things they could think of, and I don't have to listen to anyone say any very unfunny sexist or homophobic jokes. I like being alone but I don't like being lonely.

I should probably go to the museum now or I won't make it before they close for the day. There is one particular painting that I love looking at. It's a beautiful portrait of a lonely woman in a long black dress that hangs on her shoulders and wraps around her body so perfectly. She's by a river that is surrounded by a dark forest. Her hair is wet and messy and she's standing up, she slightly looks like she's silently screaming for help, but no one can hear her. I can relate to her, that's probably why I like it so much. It's because I feel a connection with this foreign woman in this portrait before my eyes.

After I left the museum I decided to stop by the store to do some very needed grocery shopping. I bought some vegetables and seasonings along with some meat. I was thinking I could make chicken salad for dinner when I get home. I went kind of overboard and bought stuff I really don't need, and will never use.

- 31/07/22 -
It's Monday again and what does that mean. School, it means that I have to go to school again. Don't get me wrong I love going to art school and I love art but it's just the teachers and students I hate there. I hate having to see their faces.

I have two classes with one of my friends Camille. I'm not really excited because like I said we don't really speak to each other that much, but it's nice to have some company sometimes.

In our first class we greeted each other like we would normally do and she was acting normal for a bit. But after a while she started acting off. She started ignoring most of the things I asked her, and she started to look at me like I did something wrong. I would like to know why but I don't really have the energy or patience to ask her when I know she's just going to ignore me again.

After class I found out why she was acting weird. Someone started a rumor about me. It was about how my parents disowned me because I was supposedly a prostitute. And they have spread a lot of rumors about me but it was never this bad.

I couldn't take it. Everywhere I looked people were whispering and laughing. Some people looked disgusted and were making comments about how I was a pervert and was disgusting for selling my body. But none of it was true.

I had to leave school because I couldn't stand being there for another minute. On my way home I cried a waterfall and continued crying when I got home. My anxiety was getting worse and I was having a panic attack I couldn't breath and was so panicked from what happened. After a while I calmed down and the next day I stayed home just to let the rumor about me die down so I wouldn't be so panicked while going to school.

- 03/08/23 -
The rumor at school has been mostly forgotten, I still got a few looks throughout the day but it was way better than on Monday. It's really cruel and I just don't understand how people can say such harsh things about other people.

School has ended for the day and I was in a rush to get home as quickly as I could. My hands were full of my drawings and paintings I did at school. They were mostly projects that our teachers didn't need anymore.

I was listening to music while walking home and on my way I stopped by a local coffee shop to buy some coffee. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and I didn't realize there was a person walking in front of me in the opposite direction.

He was on his phone and I was listening to music as we collided causing my coffee to spill all over his white dress shirt and my papers to all fall out of my hand and onto the ground.

As I looked at the man in front of me I noticed he was wearing a black suit. He looked like he was in his twenties. He was tall and he had rings on his fingers. He had a small waist and long slender fingers.

,, Oh my god I am so sorry I wasn't watching where I was going and I ruined your shirt with my coffee. I should pay more attention to where I am going" I apologized to the taller male in front of me.

,, It's fine, don't worry, it was my fault too. I wasn't paying attention either" He said assuring me that he was fine. ,, Hey I just moved here and it's my birthday today and  I know we don't know each other, but would you like to have dinner with me? I really don't want to have dinner by myself" He asked me with a smile. I don't know if I should accept his offer because I don't even know him.

,, Oh uh sure, but on one condition you will have to let me pay for it, because I ruined your shirt. Deal? " I asked because I felt bad about ruining his shirt.

,, Okay fine deal, but you pick the restaurant I don't know my way around here yet" He accepted and nodded. ,, Ok, don't worry I have a perfect place in mind, also my name is Sasha. What's your name?" I asked the taller male. ,, Nice to meet you Sasha my name is Nick" Nick said while making eye contact with me.