This Road

Two

Two

I rolled over the next morning to check the time on my phone.
Sleeping at my feet was Taylor, and sleeping next to me was Cami, her arm draped across my middle, her face resting against my shoulder. They’d chosen to stay the night because this was the last time I’d get to see them for a long time. Eight months at least. We’d all agreed to try and get into the same college. Our number one choice had been California State University.
I’d sent in my application and Art Portfolio at least two weeks ago, briefly followed by Cami’s application submission, and then Taylor’s.
We all were anxiously waiting together and it was exhilarating. I saw that there was one missed call from Alison, and a voicemail left from two hours ago. I dialed voicemail, soon being greeted by Alison’s lovely voice. “Hey Baby, it’s me. I know it’s early but I just wanted to tell you that I made it through security at the airport and my flight to Vermont will be boarding in about ten minutes. I should be there by around ten am. Even though these are difficult circumstances, I can’t wait to see you! Lots of love.”
Brief history on Mom’s and Alison’s friendship; After college, when they’d both gotten married to their husbands, they’d somehow managed to make it so they lived in the same neighborhood for years until the year I turned 11. Which means, I had the opportunity to grow up with her kids.
And they were boys. All five of them. Blake was the eldest. He was at least four years older than me, living his college dream at the University of Nevada. He came home often. Then there was Jaiden, who happened to be around five months older than me. He’d been one of my best friends, and before I’d become friends with Cami a year later, it had been Taylor, Jaiden, and myself for as long as I could remember. But before Taylor, it had just been Jaiden and me. It was because Mom and Alison would go take us running in our strollers when we were little, they put us into the same preschool, and would do childcare swaps when one of them had to go into the office to work that day or when they had date nights or errands to run.
Once upon a time Jaiden was my whole world. I once swore I was going to marry him one day. He had been my everything. My partner in crime, my ice cream buddy, my prank buddy. I loved the way his hazel eyes would sparkle when he was up to no good. The way his mouth would curl up when he found a cool discovery in the dirt or the way he’d laughed when he showed Lindsey the toad he caught in his yard and how she screamed and ran away. Even the way his light blonde hair would sweep over his eyebrows, or the way his sun kissed skin would glisten in the sunlight on a warm summer’s day. Of course I’d never let this out of my mouth. I’d wanted him to myself one day. It was my little dream, my selfish little secret.
One day when we were eleven, a month after school let out for the summer, his family, the Roth family, moved across the country settling in Nevada due to a job transfer. But then something had happened one day, and I still didn’t understand what it was. Jaiden just stopped talking to me. We’d stayed in contact for a little while up till we were thirteen. Then he started ignoring me, and when I’d ask him what was wrong he’d shake off the question and say some pretty harsh things which had pierced my soul. He started acting like a jerk, and began bullying me, making me feel bad. I’d thought he had stopped talking to me because he knew he was halfway across the country and didn’t want any unneeded distance from his best friend, so he was trying to push me away before things began to hurt more than they had been. I had tried to reach out, asking him to talk to me, but he never reached back. He completely ignored me. It was almost as if he didn’t exist.
Then there was Danny, who was about Lindsey’s age but a few months younger, Carter, who was two years younger than Lindsey and one year older than Amelia, and Kaleb, the baby of the family. He was 10.
Danny and Lindsey had still talked a bit before she’d died. It wasn’t too often, but it happened a few times. As years passed communication lessened. The one’s remaining in contact had been Mom and Alison. Occasionally Dad and  Scott, the father, would check in with each other to compare notes about grilling or about football games.
I missed my best friend. The side of him who was once my best friend. Because, all I knew from then on, was that he became a complete stranger.
A stranger I’d get to live with, and deal with at least until September.
I cringed at that thought. What was I getting myself into?
It was six-thirty in the morning. I’d been waking up at this time every morning since last week. It was like a curse. Like my body was expecting the tragedy to happen all over again even though it had already happened.
I shut my eyes once more and commanded my body to relax. I had at least two more hours before I had to get up to make myself look presentable for Alison’s arrival.
A dream carried me away.
I was in the car with my family. I’d decided to go on the ski trip with them after all. My camera was resting on my lap as I readied myself to capture a shot of anything that might have jumped out at me. Amelia and Lindsey were talking about the hot celebrity men they wanted to marry one day, and Dad turned on his classic rock music to try and drown out their conversation of how they thought Noah Centineo was just so hot, and how it would be hard for them to choose between him, and Wolfgang Novogratz who was also super, super hot. I smiled at this and laughed as I pitched in my two cents worth of an opinion. “Definitely Wolfgang. Noah’s hot, but Wolfgang...Ooh, damn. He’s mighty fine.”
Lindsey rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine, you can have Wolfgang, and Mia and I will fight over who gets Noah. I’m older, so I think I should.”
Amelia folded her arms. “You wish. I called him first. I’m also cuter.”
“And a child,” I murmured.
Her eyes went wide. “Take that back.”
I laughed. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the van started to shake. It was like we were hydroplaning. Mom’s voice turned frantic as she leaned over to my dad, trying to see what the problem was. Next thing I knew we had veered off into the other lane. We were headed straight for the semi. I watched as Dad frantically tried counter steering, doing everything he could to maneuver the vehicle away. The truck let out an angry honk before we plowed right into it. The impact was heavy, and abrupt, sending our vehicle up and over the guardrail, tumbling down. I looked over to see that my sisters were already dead, crimson redness spilling from their heads. Mom and Dad grasped onto each other, and they were bleeding. I could see the blood running down their faces. The van hit the rocks beneath us, and I watched their necks crack backward with a painful crunch before the van continued falling down the side of the mountain.
I jumped out of my sleep. And laid there, breathing hard. Tears burned behind my eyes. It was just a dream. Just a dream.
But it wasn’t. It had all been real. Every single part of it. My family was dead. They were gone. I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye. Alison was going to be here soon to take me away. And just like that, reality hit.
So, doing the next best thing, I turned my emotions off, again. I let myself go numb. I didn’t want to feel anymore, because feeling was the worst pain ever right now.
I pulled myself out of bed and grabbed my clothing to change into. They were a pair of black leggings and Mom’s white fleece sweater I loved. It was mine now. There was no way I was going to leave it here for it to be donated.
A few days ago I’d gone around the house to grab odds and ends I could remember my family members by.
Lindsey’s favorite scented candle, Amelia’s blue jay necklace she loved wearing. Even Dad’s old Phil Collins guitar pick that he never wanted to use in fear that it would become too worn to sell one day. Mom’s sweater, and all her perfume. If I could spray a fragrance on my pillow every night before I went to bed, I could imagine myself being held by her like she’d done so many times before as I was growing up, stroking my hair, especially when I was upset.
I’d managed to snatch up a few of my dad’s favorite colognes, and I’d decided that, when I needed comforting that only a father could offer, I’d spray some of it onto one of his old t-shirts and slip it on over my head. 
These things were now sitting in a box that was going to be loaded up into a moving truck today. I told myself I’d be okay without them for the next few days. I told myself that I was strong and capable for a little while. That my family was with me in spirit.

An hour later there was a knock on the front door.
I threw my head back and released a long breath before heading down the stairs to answer it.
A woman who looked to be around my mom’s age stood there. She had platinum blonde hair, golden skin, and tired eyes. Yet she was smiling from ear to ear as she looked back at me.
“Ronnie,” she said softly, holding out her arms to me, “You’ve grown so much.”
I smiled back at her and went into her open arms. “Alison,” I whispered, hugging her back. She held me for a little while as tears collected in my eyes. I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
“Let me look at ya,” she held me at arm’s length as she gave me a once over. “You look so much like your mother.” I had my mom’s hair color and almond eye shape. My eyebrows arched in the same way hers did, and my cheekbones peaked where hers did. “So beautiful.”
I felt myself release a laugh. Alison always had been a second mom to me. She always told me I was like a daughter to her. She had been blessed with boys, but never with girls.
“It’s  really great to see you, Ali,” I said, rubbing one of my eyes. “It’s been a while.”
She nodded as she made her way into the entryway. “I’m sorry this isn’t in better circumstances, too. "She took off her coat and draped it over the banister before turning to me. Her eyes glazed over. “How are you doing, Baby?”
I clenched my teeth together. Tears burned my eyes. “I’ve been better.”
“I know, and I’m so, so sorry.” She pulled me into her arms and held me. Sobs shook my body and I found it difficult to breathe. I wanted nothing more than to be held by my mom, telling me that it was okay. Maybe if I could just close my eyes, and imagine her, I could pretend that Alison was my mom.
She rubbed my back as I sobbed, and I heard her sniffle at one point too. I’d lost my family. She’d lost her best friend, and the kids she had the joy of being an aunt to. Except for me.
“I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I could change everything.”
I gasped for air. “Me too.” I pulled away and wiped the tears from my eyes. “They don’t know, do they? They don’t know what happened?”
I didn’t want the boys to know what had happened because I didn’t want them to pity me. I’d lost my family. I’d have to live the rest of my life without them. I didn’t want any negative attention. Or the commentary such as, “Oh poor Veronica, she’ll never be happy again.” Or, “Hey, let’s do this special thing for Ronnie because I feel bad for her.” Caring about me because I was going through a hard time was one thing, but putting me at the center of attention, giving me special treatment and unwanted handouts because they “felt bad” was something completely different. I knew how their system worked.
I didn’t like it.
She shook her head. “No. Scott does, but none of the boys do. I just told them that you were having some struggles at home, so your mom thought it best to send you someplace else for the remainder of the school year. Ya know, trouble with classmates and whatnot.”
That couldn’t have been further from the truth. High school had been treating me well. I had friends, I was involved, my grades were stellar. They weren’t the worst four years of my life that others had.
Not until now.
I just nodded my head. “Cool. Because, I don’t want any...unnecessary attention, you know?”
“I understand. When I heard the news I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour straight. I’m the mama, and I don’t like it when people see me cry.” She gave me a hard stare. “Don’t be like me. Cry when you need to. It’s okay to let it out.” I nodded. Then, changing the topic she said, “Where should we start?”
“My room,” I stated. “I’ve already kind of handled everything. I went through legal documents and personal items and all the important stuff. Now it’s basically my stuff I need to worry about.”
She ran her hand through her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. “I’m impressed. I know it’s been difficult. But I’m glad you seem to be able to function, almost normally.” She winked at me.
I let a small smile slip onto my face.

A few hours later we’d managed to get everything loaded into the moving truck that pulled up shortly after Alison arrived. Taylor and Cami helped, and actually did a lot of the moving themselves. It had been hard for me to function because I knew the sooner things were taken care of, the sooner I had to leave. But it wasn’t like it mattered; we’d already booked flights for this afternoon. Alison exchanged notes with the driver before he got back into the truck and pulled away. Then she came over to me. “Okay, Honey, let’s grab your bags and load them into the rental. Then I’ll give y’all a few minutes to say goodbye to each other.” She squeezed my arm lightly and gave me another compassionate smile before grabbing a few of my suitcases. I picked up my last one and carried it down after her. I threw it into the back of the rental before heading back inside to where Taylor and Cami were standing.
I motioned towards the back of the house. “Let’s go out back.” I led the way.
Once we were outside, my eyes scanned the yard. The trampoline was filled with fresh layers of snow. The playground looked hauntingly beautiful under the blanket of white. I walked over to the swing set and dusted off the faded blue seat before I sat down. Cami took the swing next to me. Taylor just kind of hovered near us. “Remember when this was built?” my eyes swept over the equipment. “It was so new and pretty. I’d been so excited to have y’all over.”
Tay snorted. “And that one time Cami got stuck on top of the monkey bars even though they aren’t even that high off the ground?”
She smirked at him. “Two can play this game. Like that one time where you went down the slide not realizing there was a mud puddle at the bottom because it had rained. Your butt also got super soaked.”
He laughed. “Then I hugged you because I knew it’d piss you off.”
“How about all those picnics at the top?” I recalled. “Even during the rain we’d bring out sandwiches because we knew we’d be dry. And our food would be protected.”
“Yeah, and then that time Mia walked right in front of the swing when Cami was using it, and you saw what was about to happen and ran over to her, practically jumping on her to get on the ground so she’d avoid getting hit. She was so mad at you.”
I laughed at the memory, but my laughs quickly turned to sobs. “You guys, this isn’t fair. I can’t leave. I can’t say goodbye to everything I’ve ever known. I’m losing everything.”
Taylor wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. “Ronnie, we love you. We’re really going to miss you. But what else is there to do? You need to heal. Staying here, where there are a million memories, will not do you any good. You need to leave so you can find yourself again. You need to heal. We are always here for you.”
Cami wrapped her arms around me as well. “I know this had been unfair,” she whispered, “And I’m so sorry for everything that’s happening. This is the type of pain that may never leave. But eventually, one day, you’ll wake up and the pain won’t sting so bad anymore. You’ll never stop missing them, but you’ll realize that your family is always there for you, even though you can’t see them. Do you honestly think your mom, especially, would leave you alone by yourself to fight through this on your own? To fight through your life battles by yourself? I don’t think so. I knew your mom, and she had fought for all of you, until her very last breath.” Her voice cracked. “She will never, ever stop loving you, and will never, ever abandon you.” She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “But Tay’s right. You need to go so you can find yourself again. Staying here won’t do you good. It will only hurt, and the memories will burn you from the inside out.”
Tears marked my face. I got up and hugged her. “I love you.” Then I turned to Taylor and hugged him. “And I love you.” I reached my hands out to them, and they each took one before we started walking back to the house. I glanced behind myself one last time at the playground, now old and decaying, and then refocused my attention on the tasks ahead, not looking back.
We went out front to the driveway, and I went back inside the house to take a final look around the place, making sure I hadn’t missed anything. I took a deep breath. I shut my eyes and envisioned the moment I had walked into this house the first time. I’d been ten years old. The house was a two story with a nice, big basement and plenty of PlaySpace. It had been the perfect home for us. Who knew that our existence in this house would end in such a tragedy?
I sighed and opened my eyes. Then, making sure the door was locked, I flipped off the light and softly closed the door with a soft click, not looking back.
I met my friends at the car.
Taylor’s arm was draped around a cold Cami who looked like she was about to burst into tears at any moment. She laughed a depressing laugh before saying, “Who would have thought, right? I mean, I never thought we’d be parting ways because of a circumstance like this. Not in a million years did I expect this to happen.”
I shrugged. “Nobody expected it. Not even me.” I sniffled. “I feel so alone. This shouldn’t be happening.”
“Aww, Baby!” Cami pulled me into another tight hug. “You’re not alone. You never have been. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. I’m gonna miss you.”
She squeezed me for a moment before releasing me. Next Taylor came over to me and hugged me. He held me tight as he lifted me off the ground, moving me from side to side. I gasped for air and released a laugh before he put me back down. “I love you, Ronnie,” he whispered before leaning in and kissing me on the cheek.
I felt a  blush creep onto my face.
Cami made a gagging noise. “Um. Barf.”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh please. Don’t go acting like you two don’t do something similar, in your own dramatic, soggy way. There is no difference. Seriously.”
She returned an angelic smile. Then she directed her attention to me again. “Be safe, okay? Call me the moment you land, and every day after that. I don't want to lose you.”
I took her hands. “You're not gonna lose me. I'll check in. I promise.”
She nodded. "Okay Good." A beat. Then, "You better get going. You'll miss your flight."
I slid into the passenger seat and slammed the door shut.
Gazing out the window, I took one last look at my best friends as we pulled away. I turned away and didn't look back.