Short Story Collection

Solo by F.G.

Maybe... we were better off as friends. It's five in the morning and I've been drinking, so maybe I'm overthinking this. I always do. I can never stop my mind from running, even if it ends up pushing me off a cliff. We had liked each other for so long, I was so sure of it. At least I thought I was. We talked for weeks before getting together but now, four months in, we're here in this crowded room, and I'm holding your hand, but I feel like I don't even know you. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Did I imagine everything? Every feeling, every word, every touch, was it all in my head? I should be focused on the conversation, but all of my attention is on the way you squeeze my hand, trying to remind me that you're there. Never too far to talk or to touch or to hold. Maybe you know the way I'm feeling, can sense it through our intertwined fingers, and the way my feet have been pointed at the door all night. I was infatuated with you for two years. My heart would flutter every time we talked, and my stomach would be in knots from the nerves. Maybe that should've been a sign. I was ecstatic when you finally asked me out. It was only a date, a test run, but it was a date with you. I hadn't wanted anything more. I had watched you get into two relationships, standing by wishing you'd see me, hoping you'd finally realize I was only looking at you. But now here I am doubting every second of it. Maybe we shouldn't have tried, shouldn't have crossed the threshold from friends to lovers, but are we really going to turn back now? Could we even turn back? Could we ever go back to what we were? I don't want to take it back but maybe I should.God, I can't believe I'm even thinking about this. What the hell am I doing? I'm at a party, surrounded by my friends, and with my... boyfriend, I should be happy. I shouldn't be thinking through every moment of us together to see if it was all in my head. I know you care about me; I know you have feelings for me, but do I? Do I still have feelings for you? Have I ever had feelings for you? The party's adrenaline has finally worn off, and my heart no longer pounding, but my head still feels like it's buzzing. I can't tell if it's from the alcohol and the bass or the thoughts haunting my mind. I'm going to ruin everything, aren't I? Four months in and I'm going to ruin everything. Our relationship, our friendship, and our friends' friendship, all will be damaged by me. We could never come back from this. There's no way. Maybe this is my heart's defense mechanism, questioning everything and pushing people away. A misguided act of self-preservation. But I don't want this. We were fine when we arrived, what changed? Why can't my mind shut up for a second so that I can be confident in my feelings again, even if I'm lying to myself? I can't be here anymore; I can't do this to you. It had lingered for so long that I thought it was real. If I decide to do this, to say this out loud, there's no going back. You being in my vicinity makes this so much worse, so much harder. It's not your fault but your touch has started a feeding frenzy in my mind, and I can't be here anymore. "Babe, what's wrong?" No, no. Don't talk to me, don't touch me. It makes my heart ache. I need to leave. I can't be here anymore. I can't stand by your side while I think of abandoning all that we are. I can't let you see my tears. I can't be near you. I need your hands off of me and miles between us. I just need to get through this packed room of people. I need to be outside and running as far as I can, going to a place where I can breathe. "Where are you going?" There's already so much distance but I can hear your worry and hurt. I can't believe I'm thinking of hurting you like this.Am I really going to break up with you? I don't want to hurt you, but I can't be with you when I'm not sure how I feel about you. God, I want to run. Run away from the world, this party, and you. I want to hide in my room and never look back. But I never want to have to hurt you. Maybe we can at least be civil with each other, right? And then, months, years down the line we can go back to being friends? Please.