Outer Banks One Shots

Insecurities

Sarah's POV
I sat quietly outside of the wreck that was once John B's house wondering how everything became so incredibly fucked up. A flush of regret weighs me down, if I hadn't kissed John B after our 'little' mission I would've been perfectly happy, everything would've been normal, I'd still have a home, still have new clothes every week, a good education, and I would still have my Father.

Images of my Father consistently play across my mind like an old movie, seeing him laying motionless on the forest floor, body mangled and filled with bullet wounds, the bullet wounds that were supposed to be for me, seeing the look on his face before he ran in front of me will forever be haunting, he looked so sad, so proud. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to tell him that I don't hate him, that I love him, I never got to tell him that I forgive him, that he will always be my Father.

My vision blurs as I curl up within myself trying to control my breathing, I grip at my chest, my heart feeling as if it's about to jump out of my throat.

I'm going to die.

Why isn't that a scary thought? Maybe it's best that way, I won't have any of the Pogues worried about whether I'm full Pogue or just a Kook looking to have a little fun, looking for an escape from my 'bubble wrapped life' except it ain't so bubble wrapped now is it? I've lost everything, I had the world at my hands, I was the 'Kook Princess' and now I'm just another broken girl beaten by the world.

Snap

I try to stand up hurriedly but my legs won't allow me to move, all I can do is breathe quietly and hope it's just a wild animal.

"Sarah?" I close my eyes as his melodic voice fills my ears, lips trembling I bury my face in my hands, he's the last person I want to see me in this state. I hear the footsteps slowly approaching, flinching as I feel arms wrap around me.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out, my tongue feels heavy in my mouth the only sound coming out is the quiet sobs that are vibrating through my body. I breathe in the musky scent of John B as I let my head drop to his shoulder, taking in the feeling of his lips on my head, an unconscious habit he has.

"Just breathe with me ok babe?" I slowly nod against his should as he places my hand on his chest and starts taking exaggerated breaths. Slowly the tightening in my chest eases as the seconds tick by with my boyfriend.

I pull away from him, searching his eyes for something, anything that indicates he's repulsed by me, but all I saw was love and grief and I hate it.

"How could you love someone like me?" I pushed him away from me, standing up pacing angrily away from him.

"What? Sarah? What?" I hear him behind me as I walk towards the pier, I feel his hand tightly grab my arm forcing me to turn towards him.

"Cut the bullshit John B, you can't possibly be in love with me after everything I've done." I state as I laugh humourlessly, if it wasn't for me Big John might still be alive, if it wasn't for me my Father would still be alive, John B could live a life where he found the gold and didn't have anything like my Father in his way to stop him, yet at every turn something went wrong.

"What are you talking about? You've done nothing wrong Sarah." His brown eyes show earnestly and although it goes unsaid amongst the Pogues everyone knows that John B has the most effective puppy dog eyes.

I almost want to forget everything, I want to forget about everything that has happened and just stand there, by the water, staring into my husbands eyes.

"If it wasn't for me in the first place my Father wouldn't have been on our trail every damn time, you wouldn't have went to jail for murder, you could've lived a full Kook life with the gold you found in the well, you, JJ, Pope and Kie would all have been living your dream." I state shakily, I feel empty inside, like no matter the outcome I'm never going to be happy.

"By the sky, the stars and the sea," my eyes snap to his face hearing my own wedding vows used against me, "I love you Sarah Cameron, if I could go back in time with the ability to change anything, I wouldn't change us. You are my constant, you are my now and you are my future, you will never be my past as long as I can help it, I hate being without you and after so many separations I can't go through it again." I shakily let out a breath as I grab his hand.

"He wouldn't have died." I whisper quietly as a tear escapes, the truth of what's got me upset finally flowing out of me.

"Sorry?"

"He wouldn't have died if it wasn't for...me," I bow my head down, hating the feeling of wet tears dripping off my face, I should be strong, I shouldn't be this self cantered, Big John died as well and I don't see John B crying over it, "I have nothing left John B, no Father, no house, no family, nothing, how can you still love me?"

I feel my head being guided up by his warm hand and find that I have no strength in myself to refuse the contact, on the contrary I feel hungry for the contact, I cherish it like it's my life line, scanning John B's face I memorise every freckle on his face connecting like galaxies and examine the hard lines, which is to be expected because of the stressful year in itself, no matter how tired and how stressed he looks, he's deadly, he's devilishly handsome and I can't help but think that no matter how roguish he looks there won't be any man I'd ever meet that is more handsome then he. A tad of annoyance shoots through me as a smirk starts stretching amongst his face.

Cocky bastard knows what he's doing.

"You didn't kill Ward." The mood disintegrates once again as the problem on the forefront of my mind is continued.

"The bullets were meant for me." I argue trying to convince him that maybe I'm not as perfect as he thinks I am.

"Maybe so but Ward didn't want you to die, he loved you Sarah, if you died he would too, I wouldn't be surprised if he followed you right after." I close my eyes knowing he's right, knowing that my Father would've done anything for me, would've killed for me. At the end of the day he was a good guy and that's all that matters wasn't it?

I nod slowly against his hand, admitting the truth that maybe just maybe it wasn't my fault.

"And you haven't lost everything," he continues quietly, my eyes shooting open to meet his once again, "you still have me, for the rest of your life." I smile giddily laughing.

"You're so cheesy John B." Putting my arms around his neck I lean towards him, ready to finally put the past behind me and focus on my future.

"HEY LOVEBIRDS!" I groan as I look behind John B seeing JJ, Pope and Kie behind him.

"Do they always have to be here?" I pout as John B smiles guiltily.

I tug him towards the rest of the gang, embracing them all once we meet in the middle. I may have lost my blood family, but I guess I might consider these idiots as my real family, P4L.