Dance For Me

Chapter 10

Lauren

My fingertips draped over the neck of the bottle in my palm. The way the cold droplets of condensation spiralled down and slithered away my favourite thing to watch. I knew reaching for the bottle was a reoccurring thing right now, I couldn't help the need, the only thing in the world to soothe my mind, a shot of strong liquor

Things felt far too familiar recently, the breakdown in me and Fallon, the anguish between me and Emma? I felt seventeen all over again. I needed my friends, I'd worked hard to overcome my boundaries yet here I am sipping on vodka instead of telling them I miss them

I always found myself alone in conflict, my heart breaking and aching in ways that made me feel everything but human. People try to reason with me and explain their point of view but my brain can't stop the walls from crushing their way between us. I want to stand there and say I understand and that I forgive them but I can't, my mind is adamant on distance

I dragged the cold bottle towards me, the low scratching sound against the wood warning me that I was about to take another sip. It was only midday, but the sight of Camila made me feel sick, knowing the words that had come from her mouth would replay over and over unless I drowned them out with poison

She looked amazing, consoling Zach, a sweet boy with a sweet mother and charming father. I thought about him for the casting but chose another instead. Camila stared into my soul, I'm not sure if it was intentional or not but it felt as if she were telling me to let him in, for some reason, I listened

She had control over a portion of my brain that I needed to be left alone. I worried that it would consume me if I didn't push her away, force me into another bout of self doubt and loss of soul. I couldn't help but walk in on her dancing alone, both times I told myself I'd be kind and gentle but both times I could do no such thing

Now I had to dance with her in my show, the one thing that was mine. She would possess my mind and drive me crazy in proximity. I needed to gather myself and take back the control, regain the power I had driven deep within myself just to survive and keep face

I lifted the bottle to my lips and closed my eyes with a lump in my throat, regretting every swallow I forced down my throat. I hated the taste, I had always hated the taste but could never stop. After years of exposure it didn't even make me tipsy, just.. numb

"Busy?" A small voice appeared from behind my door with a gentle smile "I thought I'd bring you something to eat" spoke Emma with a bowl of rice in her palm and a fork in the other

"I'm not hungry" I whispered back, hiding the bottle behind my computer "But thanks"

Emma softened her gaze and looked on at me with empathy "I'm sorry Lauren, these past few weeks have been kind of manic" she chuckled quietly while I sank back in my chair and mindlessly fiddled with the ends of my hair "I've been a jerk to you and I know Fallon has too. I mean I'm not here to apologise for her but I wanted you to know I realise, we haven't been fair"

I felt my chin crinkling under my lips as I stared at my fingertips in my lap. Thankfully I pulled back a breakdown and took a deep breath "It's a little late actually" I admit, feeling sorry for myself and the pain I'd experienced these past few days "I appreciate you apologising but I'm so sick of people using it and thinking it's an erase button"

I wasn't snarky, nor angry, just quietly honest like Nikki had advised. Emma sighed and stood sheepishly against the wall with folded arms "I get that LJ" she hummed "Doesn't really fix anything I know, but it's a start"

I looked up into the desk, my eyes burning after drinking just the right amount to be emotional about anything that wasn't work "This is a hard job without support" I spoke gently "It's so easy to get so lost in the business that you forget who you are and what you love?" I shook my head and laughed sarcastically "You expect for the people close to have your back when shit goes sideways"