Days of Remedy

Part 12

Once again, I sit inside the doctor's office, looking at the decisive woman whose face is covered with dark spots. She pours me a cup of green tea, and the sweet aroma of jasmine tempts me to drink it right up. I am still not used to her calm yet intrusive demeanor, but I must push through my anxiety if I want her to sign my discharge papers. Then, smacking her lips together, Dr. Yoshida asks about Fujino.

"We met in class, and we started talking; well, it's more like she started talking to me," I simper, recalling the rainy day she bounced into the class. So I resume: "She visited even though it's only been a little over a month since we first met, and it is almost surreal how nice she has been to me; I have never met someone like her."

Rubbing her chin, she waits no time to use this information and ask about the bullying I mentioned during the group therapy.

I sigh: "Fitting in with my peers has always been a problem. I guess my family makes me look unapproachable. You know—the money and my father's acquaintances. But the kids never really bullied me until we broke up with Daichi...umm, my ex-boyfriend."

Saying those words aloud feels like I have just opened Pandora's box. I sip on the tea, trying to fight off the sudden thirst. Counting every tick of the clock, I wish Dr. Yoshida didn't hear the last part. Instead, she lets out a concerned hum, making me jump out of my seat: "Sorry, I might need a minute. This was a terrible idea...I don't think I can do this."

Damn it. Why do those few words hold me at gunpoint? My pulse speeds up, and a heat wave flushes through my body. The determination I have collected for the past few days has faded into nothing. In the spur of the moment, I kick the sofa, and my grunt drowns the immediate apology I barked out.

The doctor sits still, collected as always: "That's okay; I can see this makes you very emotional, but that's a good thing! Let it out; just please don't destroy my couch." She offers me another cup of tea before she continues: "This is a safe space; I am not here to judge my patients, I am here to help them understand their emotions, and this is the first time I see you angry like that. Are you mad that you two broke up?"

"I don't know!" I exclaim. "I am mad at him, but I am more frustrated with myself because the more I think about it, the more I see myself as the problem. The only thing I excel at is being a mess of a person, and I am tired of it."

"Koyama, you are not a mess." She smiles, prompting me to unveil what happened.

As a sinner at a confessional, I swallow all my pride and face the memory of my failed relationship: "Back then, he was one of the few people I actually had a meaningful conversation with, and after some time, he asked me out. I was happy, and the dates were fun, but then he was suddenly annoyed with me. So we argued about our relationship, and he wanted to...like...ma-make it more serious."

"I am not sure if I follow," She responds, wrinkling her eyebrows and drinking from her cup.

"He really wanted to get more intimate, but...I don't know; I just didn't feel ready for that. I never thought about it because holding hands was more than enough for me."

As I keep talking, my hands get a life of their own, scratching my agnails until one of them bleeds. Noticing that, I grab a tissue and hide my hands under my thighs: "And once, I really made him mad with my stubbornness, so I tried to at least...touch him." I pause.

"And I couldn't do it; I felt sick. That was the last straw for him, so he just slammed the door and left. After that, I tried to call and apologize, but he ignored me, and when I came to school, everyone knew what had happened."

Dr. Yoshida reaches her hand in an attempt to solace my hurting soul. However, knowing the worst part of the story is yet to come, I can't get distracted by reminiscing about Daichi, not now.

Puffing my chest, I blurt out the rest: "The girls made fun of me for being a prude, and the boys made sleazy comments about how they could give me lessons. They pulled pranks on me, like when they locked me up in a cleaning room with porn magazines during the school festival. Someone even set up a fake profile on an adult dating app with my details. So I had to get a new phone number because I got millions of disgusting messages with photos from random strangers. And the funny part is, you would think that the messages were the thing that broke me, but no. Do you know what it was? When I tried to talk to teachers, they said they can't control what the students do in their free time, so I should just deal with it and focus on my studies."

For the first time, I see Dr. Yoshida is lost for words. Surely, she must be looking for a way to tell me I am oversensitive or that I am being unreasonable for being angry at the teachers. Not caring anymore about what profound medical diagnosis she has for me after what I just told her, I kick my feet up on the sofa. The opinions of adults have proven to be incompetent anyway.

She doesn't comment on my rude behavior, but instead, leaning forward, she crosses her legs and asks me if I blame myself for what has happened.

"Of course I do! Daichi was wrong for telling everyone what happened between us, but nothing like this would happen if I wasn't so stubborn and selfish. I should have looked after his feelings instead."

Hearing that, Dr. Yoshida's voice drops: "Please listen to me really carefully, Koyama. Nothing of this is your fault. You always have the right to choose what you want to do with your body, and If you aren't ready for intimacy, you have the right to say no. What happened to you is a form of sexual assault, and based on what you said and your past behavior, I am more than certain you have PTSD."

"I have what?" Confused about the diagnosis, I ask her to explain.

"Post-traumatic stress disorder has many forms, people mostly relate it to war veterans, but it can affect anyone exposed to an excessively stressful situation."

"But..I couldn't get assa...He wouldn't want to hurt me, would he? Sure, he vented to everyone, but..." I stutter.

As my lashes get heavy from the rill of tears forming in the corners of my eyes, she takes a deep breath: "Koyama, people sometimes hurt others without even realizing it."

Fear replaces my denial as I process what she just said. What's gonna happen now? The last people I would want to tell about Daichi are my parents.

Then, she notices my ghostly stare: "If you don't want me to, I don't have to tell anyone, and you don't have to either. You are seventeen, and the law orders me to report abuse only if my patient is in immediate danger, so you don't have to worry about your parents."

Never in a million years would I imagine that the best years of my life would turn out like this. My youth has been devoured by pain and sorrow just because of one person. Crumbling the bloody tissue in my hand, I ask myself if things could ever go back. Tears roll down my cheeks, and not even the promise of Fujino's friendship could hold them back. Dr. Yoshida hands me a box of tissues. I dry off my runny nose and point at the clock, mentioning that the therapy session should be already over.

Without a word, she takes three quick steps toward the clock on the wall and puts them in a drawer: "There is no clock, so take your time. I will make more tea."