Just call me Jia. I just want to share this story in hopes that it would ease what I am feeling and to probably leave a lesson to always treasure your time and moments with your loved ones; spouses, especially. It's too bad that I can no longer do that.
Let us just call him Zac. Zac and I first met each other during my fourth year in College; he is the guy sitting there in the corner, silent. I thought at first that since it is the first day, usually everyone who does not anyone would be silent at that point and that few days or weeks would make him start to talk. But no, he is different. He is not the guy to approach you or talk to you unless you initiate. He was an irregular student, well, sort of. He just came back 2 years after his "break", as he said on the introductions.
Several people approached him but they cannot get him to talk or bond with him. He always seem to be in a hurry and is always watchful of the time; that explains why he is often looking at his watch.
To cut the story short, Zac and I became friends and it lead to the cliche path of us getting close and well, you know it, I approached him. He is jolly and talkative, not like the usual Zac that I knew of. He disclosed that he felt safe and secured with me; along with his mother. He shared things that I never even knew before and he would engage in a conversation with me.
We became close and fell in love with each other. I was the one who confessed, since well, I love him and knowing the guy, that man would not even bother saying a thing even though it's obvious; and he rejected me. But not because he didn't like me; there was another secret I came across:
The man was emotionally abused by his father, and played by several women multiple times. (long story short) The last time he was in a relationship, he was chêated on and the girl apparently confessed that everything they had was due to a bet. I cannot imagine the pain he had to go through; which then I asked why he trusts me. He said that he felt safe, he felt the same feeling as though being cared by his mother but his trauma is preventing him from taking what we have further and I respected that.
Not long after that, he said to me that he wants to try it with me and me being in love with the guy since day 1, I did not hesitate to give my yes; but he intervened. He said that he wanted to get my parents' permission first and I never expected that. He said that it's the way he does things; he never wanted to bypass my parents and I fell deeper because of that.
To cut the long story short again, years have passed, he married me; we had a kid and we became busy.
Since adulting can be stressful sometimes, it gets to me. Years of our relationship, he improved but never changed. We never had any major arguments that would last for a day; and this is one of the parts that haunt me: that even though it is often my fault, he is the one who would approach me and apologize. Asks for a hug and a kiss and we're good, and of course, I feel bad as well because of the stressful work loads but despite that, he never showed it to me. Up to that very moment, he fulfilled his vow.
That is why this will be the one to haunt me forever.
23rd of October, 2022, I am checking the papers from my work that I am ought to submit 2 weeks from that day and my husband, he was into this song of Zack Tabudlo, Habang Buhay. He said that it reminded him of his life with me and that he enjoyed every moment of it. He was playing that song and I am working.
When it got to the second chorus going to the bridge part, he gently attempted to dance with me and he was in the mood; and this is the mistake that I would reverse at any given moment I am granted a chance. He was reaching out his hand, gently, and I refused and got annoyed. Raised my voice and he was shocked; I could tell that he was tearful and I immediately apologized.
He softly said sorry, turned the music player off and went upstairs. I followed him and hugged and he hugged me back.
To my surprise, he was still. He said that it was okay, I insisted to cry it out if he wants to; I suddenly forgot about my paperworks and focused on him. But he insisted that he was okay; and my foolishness believed it because he made it believable. Everything went on as usual but even though he acted the same as he would on a daily basis, my instincts are telling me that something is wrong.
28th of October, 2021 was the moment that shattered my world. The night before, we went to sleep as usual. I woke up in the morning with him beside me, facing the other way. But I noticed that he is not moving. I checked him and he is cold, he is not breathing; I panicked and wasn't sure what to do. I performed chest compressions out of fear and told my daughter to call an ambulance; I was hoping for him to survive even though I know he is already gone. I don't know how long he was in that state but the hospital said that he just died; they did everything they could to revive him but to no good.
When I checked his pillow, it was wet. Signifying that he'd been crying before he died. Autopsy revealed that he died of a heart attack while asleep.
My whole world shattered, and the only thing that popped up to my head was that last attempt to dance with me. I never knew that it would be the last time he would reach for my hand and ask me to dance with him. I never imagined that it would be the last time that I can ever hug him.
Now that it is almost a year since he died, if only I can turn back the time... I should have given him my hand and danced with him. Even while I am typing this, it is taking me back to that time and tears started falling. I never thought that it the night of 27th of October would be his last good night, I love you, and a kiss to the forehead.
I should have seen his pain and I should have danced with him.
-Jia
