"i think i like boys."
tw: kinda a suicidal thought?? mentions of blood and violence. intrusive thoughts. one kidnapping mention in the form of a thought.
no. why did i say that?
do you ever shut your mouth, stanley?
"i know i like boys!" richie exclaims confidently.
i don't respond. i feel ashamed.
"oh. and how did you figure that out, did you fuck someone? put some dick into some ass?" richie continues on. he sounds so nonchalant, as if he didn't just say the most absurd thing possible.
i want to gasp. dick in ass? is that how they do it? oh my god. why do i learn everything i know about sex from richie tozier?
"no, rich, i didn't fuck anyone! do you ever think about anything other than sex-"
"no." he replies, with zero hesitation.
"oh. well, that explains a lot." i sigh.
richie nods and starts his tapping again. he doesn't really seem to care about what i told him. is he not shocked? does he not hate me? i don't understand.
"this isn't the reaction i expected." i mumble.
"did you want me to kiss you or something? i mean i'm flattered but-"
"no- god, no! just-just shut up!" i say, meaning to say it in a playful way, but i sound angry and my eyes are tearing up.
"sorry." he utters.
he hates you now, stanley.
he always has hated you.
your friendship was never real.
do you really think he cares about you?
do you really think anybody cares about you?
richie stands up and gives me an awkward wave.
"i hope you feel better."
so do i, at least i think, but, maybe i don't wanna feel better. maybe the horrible mental state i'm in is comforting. maybe this is my normal.
after a few more minutes of "drowning in my sorrows", i finally get up. the walk back to the living room is possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life. i just cried in the bathroom.
"man up!" my father's voice yells in the back of my head.
as i stand in the archway leading to the living room, i take a look around. richie and eddie are cuddled up together. their love is so special. i mean, richie's favorite movie is on, but he doesn't even seem to care anymore. eddie thinks the film is dumb, but he never objects to it. eddie hates horror movies, but here he is, watching a horror film, just because richie wanted to. it's odd to think that, in this moment, they both have convinced themselves that this is just a thing that "friends" do.
mike hanlon greets me with a warm smile, as usual. beverly and ben are whispering to one another, i wish i knew what they were talking about.
they're probably talking about how much they hate you, stanley.
bill is- nowhere to be found?
"where's bill?" i ask, probably seeming way more worried than i should be. he wouldn't just leave us, right?
he got kidnapped, stanley.
it's all your fault.
you went to the bathroom to fucking cry, while one of your best friends was being taken away, and probably beat to the ground.
YOU ARE READING
˚ʚ my heart beats for you in threes - stenbrough ɞ˚
Teen Fiction"and just like that, i wasn't a loser anymore. i was just a loser, and god, that was the one thing that hurt me more than myself or my thoughts. i was just a plain old loser. i was just a plain old loser, and i always fucking would be."
