Why Fearless Isn't Fear-less

4

"..Do you remember when we sat on the roof for hours?"

"Here, let's go," Raph threw the pack of soda at his brother, who weakly caught it, turning back to his family in surprise. He followed, frowning. What's wrong this time?

"How could I forget? I was worried I was gonna fall."

"What's wrong Raph?" Leo asked, fiddling with the soda cracker. His brother sipped slowly, his adams apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed. Leo looked down below them; the ground mere feet away.

"I woulda caught you, fearless." Raph teased, nudging him. "I know," Leo replied. He hesitated, kicking his feet back and forth over the street below him. They were sitting on a roof and watching the sky.

"Do you hate me?" Raph asked out of the blue. "What? No, I could never hate you." Leo reached out to him, only to watch Raph recoil with a scowl. "You sure do act like it sometimes."

"...I don't hate you, Leo." Leo broke out of his flashback, grinning. "I know you didn't mean it." Raph nudged him again, in a more docile manner. "Yeah, but, gosh...it's hard not to. With your perfect poise, perfect teeth, perfect form-"

"I'm not perfect either, Raph," Leo admitted, voice quivering. He wipes tears from the corners of his eyes and hiccuped, turning away. Raph frowned, guilt creeping into his conscious as he wrapped him into a soft hug.

"Makes me feel all gross n' stuff. I'm sick of always fighting you." Raph leaned on Leo's arm, sighing. "Me too. But once this is all over, we'll work it out."

"I hate you sometimes too," Leo confessed, hiding his face in the crook of Raph's shoulder. "I wish I could just- let it go. Like you can. Maybe I'm jealous that you're better than me..."

"Yeah." Raph hummed, closing his eyes. The breeze was steady and cool, just the way he enjoyed it during a late night.

"...I don't let it go." Leo sat up, staring wide eyed at him with a look of despair Raph had never seen before. "But- it's okay. It's okay."

Leo wrapped his arm around Raph's shoulder, sighing. He scanned the streets below. Kraang felt like they were everywhere. It didn't help that he was hyper focused on this old memory. He felt his brother weight shift, leaning more against him: he must've dozed off. He hummed to himself.

"Leo- stop crying! I said it was fine-" he shushed his older brother, putting his sodas to the side and hugging him close. "It's fine, dude, I already said-" But Leo was inconsolable. He cried helplessly into the night, just grabbing onto Raph. What else could the red clad turtle do?

He just held him tight, dangling his leg off the roof and using his other to keep them both from plummeting. "Hey guys!! Crognard is on! Wanna watch?" His youngest brother called. Leo stopped for a moment, looking up at the window with a quizzical expression. Almost like he was questioning why Mikey would say such a thing.

Raph frowned. "No, you guys watch without us!" He called back. "Too bad, losers! We got popcorn!" Mikey had laughed and walked away, but the two elder siblings staid put. Terrified.

How could he forget that, indeed.

.

"...Sensei," Donnie gulped, disturbing his fathers meditation. "Yes, my son?" He noticed his sons expression, softening his posture. "Is there something wrong?" Donatello shrugged, sitting down beside him. "Um, not necessarily, just something I've been thinking about."

He paused, looking up at his master in regard to any questions. Splinter nodded his head to signal he continue. "...About um...about Karai." Splinter frowned. "What is it?"

He didn't for his tone to come across as harsh, but it had that effect as Donnie winced, sighing. "Nevermind, I'll come later—" Donnie began to leave but his father caught him, bringing him back down. "No, Donatello, stay. I do not mind talking about this." A beat followed. "About..my daughter."

Donnie sighed, rubbing his arm. "I just feel like I'm being under minded." Under minded? Like washed aside, pushed away, slid under the wayside? Splinter frowned more, which made Donnie quiet. "How so, my son?"

"Just- this retro mutagen Sensei. That's all I've been working on, day and night, and..you don't talk to me about anything else and-" when he noticed his masters expression, he gulped down his words and turned away. "...I see. I did not realize this."

Donatello chuckled a little. "I don't blame you, Sensei. But...it's not just you. It's Leo, too. When we'd go searching for her, or here when I'm working, it's just "what about Karai?" or "Do this for Karai Donnie!" "Try harder, work harder!" I'm sick of it! I'm not a machine! I'm a person!" He clamped his mouth shut. "I'm sorry-"

"Please, don't apologize.." Splinter frowned, taking his sons hand and squeezing it reassuringly. "I..I am sorry I have made you feel this way, my son. You are indeed not a machine, you need rest. I have neglected you." Donnie frowned. "I wouldn't go that far-"

"Please, let me finish." The purple bandana'd turtle shut up quickly. "My passion for finding my daughter has made me forget to care for you and your brothers in the time we have all reunited. The feelings I harbor about that time are...difficult. Again I am living in the past instead of the present." He paused, patting his sons head. "You and your brothers have made me nothing but proud. I will make my mistakes up to you all, surely."

Donnie turned away, sniffling. "Thank you." His father brought him closer, patting his shell. "Do not be afraid, Donatello. I am thankful you told me of these feelings you harbor as well. I will also speak to Leonardo about this." Donatello gasped a bit. "Are you sure??"

"Yes, being a leader is accepting the mistakes and redeeming them. Being a brother is apologizing and giving comfort in these times. Leonardo has..indeed been more distant, but I blame myself as well."

"They're back!!" Mikey called from the kitchen, nomming on a slice of pizza. Perfect timing. The two browned eyed family got up and greeted Leo and Raph. Splinter stopped his eldest with a gentle tap, gaining the attention of him and his brother.

"Leonardo, I would like to speak with you privately."

Raph frowned; what for? He hadn't broken any rules, or curfew, or even slamming the door too loudly. What's there to talk about? But then he realized. When he and Leo fought, Leo had shouted at his Sensei. Splinter wouldn't just forget something like that especially from the golden child.

He became slightly anxious for him, sitting down on the couch next to Donnie, watching them go without a word. Donnie looked at him, frowning. "What's up Raph?"

"I just have a bad feeling...I don't know why." Donnie shrugged, bobbing his leg up and down. "Me too. Me and Sensei just had one of those talks so hopefully he's more forgiving."

It wasn't as if Splinter wasn't merciless, but he wasn't always gentle where he should've been. The bow and arrow excersise, Donnie's question to fighting without thinking, even using Mikey as a punching bag. Raph felt a headache coming on, probably because of the uncomfortable cat nap he had earlier too.

He just didn't wanna almost lose his brother twice.