Every live I've lived

My name is

TW: DEATH MENTIONS 

It all begins with a boy called tommy. Tommyinnit as he calls himself. He had a pretty normal life he had two friends friends at school and it was really all he wanted. He was happy enough to with his life it wasn't bad but it wasn't all magnificent either. When he was small his mother died he always blamed himself because he was the reason she gad gone out in the first place. Kirsten went out to get Tommy a minecraft sword he really wanted and she was robbed by two guys and killed. Tommy assumed that it wasn't a great way to die considering the casket was closed, but tommy had always wanted to see her one last time. His heart aches every time he thought of her. It's like there's always a hole in your heart that never goes away only gets smaller like a wound, it fades but never disappears. The guilt never left. Ever since his mum died Phil and Tommy haven't talked well they did say the occasional 'hi' 'how was your day' to each other but never anything else. You would think that when a father and son mourn they would get closer together but not tommy and Phil. Tommy knew deep in his heart that Phil blamed him too, but at the time tommy was just a kid. Tommy didn't think think that but, he was. The next day Tommy arrived at school all wet from the rain because Phil couldn't take him apparently he was 'too busy.' Which tommy knew wasn't true but he found his friends and decided not to worry about it 'hey guys!' Tommy shouted a bit too loud. 'Oh hey tommy' tubbo and ranboo replied. 'Uhm what's first class' Tommy asked trying to hide his excitement upon seeing them. 'Biology' 'awh fuck why Today?' 'Well that's not good' Ranboo said. 'Yeah no shit' tommy retorted. Tommy then sat down and prayed the bell wouldn't ring anytime soon, but it did. Tommy sighed and and got up to leave 'See you later guys.' Ranboo smiled and they walked away. Tubbo and Tommy walked into Biology and sat across the room from each other then began the most boring hour of Tommy's life. He keeps on checking the time but minutes feel like hours. They were learning about leaf diagrams. It didn't make sense to Tommy because when the fuck in real life did anyone need to know the parts of a leaf. Tommy was too bored he couldn't anymore so he decided to meet tubbo in the toilets. He gave tubbo 'the sign' and tubbo nodded and held up a thumb. Tommy went to the bathroom and soon tubbo followed after. 'Hey tubbo!' 'Hey Tommy.'
'Why did you call me here did you need to talk or something?' Tommy pauses for a second. 'No I was just really bored' 'Oh alright then I was so fucking bored too' tubbo replied rubbing his eyes. 'So Toby..' 'Yeah?' 'Wanna hang out later?' Tommy asked biting his lip hoping he won't say no. 'Yeah of course, only if Ranboo can come though.'

Now here's the thing tommy thought tubbo was completely replacing him with them. He's nice and all it's just tubbo used to hang out alone with him but now sometimes Ranboo and tubbo hang out without him. It really shattered Tommy whenever they were hanging out without him there, but whatever makes Tubbo happy 'yeah sure Toby.' 'We should go back to class she's gonna get suspicious.'
Tubbo said looking at the door. 'Yeah she can be a real bitch.' Tommy laughed and then tubbo went back to class but Tommy stayed for a minute he was stuck on this one thought. Was this all his life was? Just school and his shitty home life and he wasn't even sure if his only two friends liked him at all. He thought if he said one thing wrong they would kick him out of the group.  After school that day they went to Tommy's house and talked about 'things' tommy was having fun but he did feel a bit left out because it just seemed like they were better friends with each other then they were with tommy. They kept whispering and they even had inside jokes. Tommy did feel angry but he pushed it down until he wasn't mad anymore. After a while they had to go home ans tommy just laid in bed and he couldn't stop thinking about it. His thoughts were racing. He  just wanted them to stop. He didn't sleep that night sleep that night, well he did but only for two hours which clearly for tommy wasn't enough.

Tommy went downstairs and began making coffee. He didn't like coffee but this morning he did. He looked over at Phil and Phil didn't even give him a simple hello 'hi' and no response. Phil was on his phone but even acknowledging him 'dad.' Still no answer 'Do you hate me or something?' Now this caught Phil's attention 'what?' Phil said looking confused. 'Yeah' Tommy retorted. 'Do you hate me' 'tommy what are you on about.'  'Ever since, mum died you haven't spoke to me' tommy said a bit louder now. ' Tommy you don't know what you're on about, and I talk to you Tommy' 'Yeah but all you say is hi and how was fucking school'  'Tommy-' 'Do you blame me?' Phil stayed silent. 'Do you blame me' tommy asked again tearing up this time. 'Tommy go to school' ' DAD DO YOU FUCKING BLAME ME' 'tommy go to school' 'I knew it' tommy said through tears as he slammed the front door.

Tommy walked to school that morning crying Phil did blame him. He was right but even worse when Tommy went into school that day tubbo and ranboo were already talking. 'Hey tommy you okay?' Tubbo asked with a concerned look on his face. 'No I'm not fucking okay.' ' why what's wrong?' Ranboo asked. 'You guys are fucking leaving me out ever since fucking Ranboo got here you guys have new fucking inside jokes and hang out and I'm never fucking asked to go!' 'Tommy, come on.' 'No tubbo, since you both are just leaving me out why don't we stop fucking hanging out altogether.' 'Come on tommy don't be a prick.' 'No fuck off tubbo.' Tommy said and he walked away that whole day tubbo and ranboo didn't say another word to him he was just by himself. How he had always been.

That same day tommy got his English test results back that he studied hours for and just to his luck he fucking failed. Well maybe this just wasn't Tommy's day. He was pissed off at everyone his dad his so called 'friends' the only things holding Tommy's life together were gone. After school Tommy walked home as usual but this time he didn't have his friends there tommy was now really regretting what he what he had said to them but he wasn't lying they had been discluding him, but maybe if he had said it better made a nicer approach then they would listen. Tommy made it home and immediately headed up teh the stairs but before he could reach the top step Phil called him back down.

'Tommy come back down here, I want to talk to you'
'Oh yeah?' 'That's a first.' Tommy spat. 'Hey tommy don't talk to me like that I am your father remember that.' ' you don't act like it.' ' tommy I'm not looking for another argument, I want to know what's wrong' Phil said his tone softening but tommy wasn't having it. 'What?' 'I want to know what's wrong' ' I don't know dad, MAYBE THE FACT I HAVE NO FUCKING FRIENDS AND MY DAD DOESN'T SPEAK TO ME BECAUSE HE BLAMES ME FOE MY MOTHER DYING!' 'I don't know what's wrong dad, other than that I'm fucking brilliant.' 'Tommy.' Phil managed to utter our before tommy cut him off. ' No dad it's okay I get it.' Tommy blurted out. Tommy could feel the tears coming back but he didn't want to cry the last thing he wanted to do was cry right now.

Tommy went into his room instead he wasn't going to cry in front of Phil, but when Tommy went to his room he couldn't cry anymore he had pushed it down until  he couldn't. He stared at the roof trying to sleep but he couldn't do that either. A few hours passed and tommy began to get really frustrated so he left the house even though it was dark. He didn't tell Phil where he was going.

Maybe he should have.

Tommy went outside and as soon as he felt the cold on his cheeks he cried, he cried for everything he lost everything he felt and it felt good to let it out but he didn't think about it he was so distracted with his thoughts. His thoughts circling back between Ranboo to tubbo to Phil, to his mother. Then a car ran into him.