rage • l.h

8. studio tour

"Cece, I am so proud of you." Dr. Philip's grainy face smiles through the screen, her sharp voice projecting to my earphones.

"You shouldn't be. I cried and everyone saw me." The back of my neck burns at the memory of me walking across campus just minutes ago, when I was uncaring of the eyes on me.

"That's not true. I am proud because not only did you remove yourself from a frustrating situation, you identified and placed the emotion. Not many people have that skill." she speaks again, giving me more credit than I deserve.

"You know me," I snort at her words, "The queen of emotional stability."

She smiles despite my display of self-hatred. She smiles because she knows somewhere deep down, I'm starting to believe her.

"Most human beings are very concerned with themselves rather than their surroundings, especially young adults. Anyone who may have saw you crying likely forgot about it in two minutes. Do you disagree?" Dr. Philips reasoned, and allowed me time to think about her question.

"I guess not." I think back to my obsessive nature with myself, not in a vain way but in a perceptual way.

"I'm proud of you, Cece. Keep up the good work, and I want you to email me tomorrow and let me know how this afternoon goes. I want you to list out the big two emotions you feel, and we can walk through them next Monday. Get specific. Sound good?"

I nod before bidding her goodbye and ending the zoom.

She knows about my shift today. About Luke's appointment to tour the studio. About Ashton's discomfort being around Luke. She helped me dismiss the curiosity I felt at their relationship. The two boys clearly had a history that left Ashton unwilling to see him. I wondered what Luke did, but my brain failed to rack up any situation where he was in the wrong. The rational side of me told me that was dumb, that no human is perfect and especially not him. I had seen first hand his manipulation of girl's feelings, never mind that his manipulation extended to Evie.

I sighed, checking the time and realizing I had twenty two minutes to get dressed and cross campus.

I cursed myself for caring as I applied makeup and wore a top that showed my cleavage.

I'm no better than Evie.

•

"I'm taking my lunch, I'll be back in an hour. Call me if you need anything." Ashton spoke, clearly anxious at the prospect of Luke's appointment.

Fuck not being nosy. Fuck being polite. I would find out what went on between the two of them.

"Here's this by the way." Ashton reached into his back pocket and handed me the envelope. I recognized the print as that of a check immediately.

I could have cried in relief right there. Sure, I'd only worked three shifts and this first paycheck probably wouldn't be more than $200. I was running out of groceries, and the dining hall was much too stimulating for me. I could stock up on pizza rolls and root beer and those chocolate chip cookies that I know Evie sneaks in the middle of the night.

"Thank you." I choked out, reading the amount as $187. This could last me two weeks if I was smart.

"Thank you for being cool to be around." Ashton turned on his heels, exiting the studio with a room temperature black coffee in hand.

Thank you for being cool to be around.

I replayed his words in my head and smiled, pulling out my journal and jotting down the phrase. Dr. Philips would love that.

The clock ticked closer to Luke's appointment time, and every time the phone rang I jumped in my seat.

"Sorry, we don't have any available time today." I explained to a graduate student who 'needed to get in as soon as possible'.