Domestic

Chapter 6

There was a level of understanding one reached when they finally found out how to view their own pain from the outside. Simon knew why he was experiencing what he was experiencing. He knew what would help him, and he knew how hard it was to seek those things with no encouragement and no soft place to rest.

But one also saw the possibilities, when they stood outside that way. They saw the life ahead of them, the meaning and the reason. He was a logical man, so he knew that ending his life would be a disappointment. To the people he knew, to the man he was now, to the little blond boy with dirty feet and scuffed knees that he'd sworn to protect. It would pass, like it had before, and he already felt somewhat accomplished by not only voicing the feelings to Soap, but also by taking the day to rest.

He'd met with his therapist that afternoon. She'd been fine with doing it virtually but he felt it would be good for him to leave the house. Move his aching body. So he sat in her office near the end of the visit, having gotten plenty off of his chest, and she asked a question he hadn't been expecting.

"Are you seeing someone?"

Simon had one ankle crossed over his knee. He lowered it to the ground, frowning.

"What makes you say that?"

She shrugged, smug. "You mentioned someone you met for lunch, someone you saw at a bar. The same person you got a gym membership with."

"We didn't get the membership together." He said, far too quickly.

She chuckled. "Do you think this brought on some of your anxiety? Some vulnerability?"

He sat back, contemplating. He ran a hand over his mouth. "I'm not seeing him." He dropped his eyes. He knew he could be honest there, but he didn't want to speak of Soap out of turn. "He's with someone else."

"Ah." She nodded. "So you consider him a friend."

He lowered his eyes further, looking at his hands. "I guess."

She didn't answer for a moment so he looked up. She was waiting expectantly for more.

"The relationship he is in, it's not safe." He regretted saying it. Speaking on Soap's life like he knew what he was talking about.

"And?" She'd put her pen down, she was just there to listen.

"And....I think I like him because he needs rescuing."

"Hm. I see."

"But—" Simon clenched his eyes. "No, he doesn't. He doesn't need me to rescue him, he's capable."

"You're worried about him."

Simon opened his eyes. That would imply that he cared about him, too.

"Yeah, I am."

"He's capable."

Simon shrugged one shoulder, explaining. "Physically, mentally, but he thinks he deserves how he's being treated."

"Why's that?"

Simon's eyes wandered to the window. "He thinks he's too much."

She nodded. "That's what you want to rescue him from, then." He glanced back at her. "And I think, Simon, you'd like to be rescued from the same thing. You're afraid of someone feeling about you the way you feel about him. You always had to be the physically, mentally capable one." She laid her notebook down completely. "He hasn't pushed you away, he trusts you, and that's rare for someone in his position. Recognize that value in yourself, and the ways in which you relate to it."

--

Soap parked outside the building that held the apartment listed in Simon's name. Marcus had already called him twice and he ignored it. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing. He didn't know what leaving Marcus and going to Simon meant for his relationship. In that moment, it didn't matter. He had a bag of food in his hand, from a deli he had heard Simon mention before. Maybe he didn't need or want it, but it was a tangible peace offering nonetheless.