Different || Evan Hansen gets a SQUIP

Chapter 1: Evan Hansen

Dear Evan Hansen,

That's how all my letters start, "Dear Evan Hansen". First, I begin with 'Dear' because that's how any letter starts. Next, I write the name of the person the letter is addressed to; in this case, it's me. I'm writing to myself. So, Evan Hansen; obviously.

That's not really my name though. Evan is actually my middle name. Long story short, my mom wanted me to be Evan, and my dad wanted me to be Mark, which is his name. Although anything governmental says "Mark Evan Hansen", my mom has only ever called me Evan, which resulted in my dad following along. (Spoiler alert: My parents are divorced.)

Sadly, this means my initials are M.E.H. (Yes, like the word: meh) Not the greatest thing in the world, considering it typically means to have no interest. (Which is mainly the reaction I get from others. Mark Evan Hansen? Meh.)

Anyway, after the greeting usually comes the actual letter. My opening is always identical.

Today is going to be an amazing day, and here's why.

Optimism. The general purpose of writing these letters.

Originally, I didn't know how to start, but Dr Sherman used it as an example, and I guess it stuck around.

The rest of the letter is the tricky part; explaining why today will allegedly be an 'amazing day'. Every day before today wasn't amazing, so why should anyone, especially me, think that today would be any different?

In reality, I don't. But I need this done by my next therapy appointment, so I guess now it's time to put my brain to work and fabricate a convincing-sounding pep talk.

Because today, all you have to do is just be yourself! But also confident; That's important. And interesting. Easy to talk to. Approachable. But mostly just be yourself; you know? That's number one, obviously. Be yourself. But like a confident version of yourself. Be true to yourself.

"Be true to yourself" What in the world does that even mean? This isn't some sort of Facebook mom mental health post! Whatever though, it's good enough. I'll work on this later, I have other things to worry about; It's the first day of my senior year.

*ding*

A noise from my phone resonates in the room. Who in the world is texting me at 7 in the morning? It's not my mom, if she really needed me she would just walk into the room to get my attention. And it's certainly not Jared. I would be pretty amazed if I checked my phone and saw that Jared Kleinman texted me.

I pick up my phone to see who this mystery text message came from.

Jeremy Heere: evan! me and michael still picking u up or no

Oh yeah. I forgot that Jeremy asked if he and his friend Michael could bring me to school. I still don't understand how Jeremy and I became friends. I mean I get how Jared and I did. Jared's mom met mine, they introduced us to each other, and the rest is history. Jeremy on the other hand, we just kinda talked and somehow it worked out in the end.

I text Jeremy back with a simple "yes", and I put my phone down

"So you just decided not to eat last night?"

It's my mom standing at the doorway holding the twenty-dollar bill I was supposed to use to order dinner. I shut my laptop, and shove it underneath my pillow.

"I wasn't hungry,"

"Come on, honey. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself when I'm at work. You can do it all online now! You don't even have to talk to anyone."

Well actually, you have to stand there when the delivery driver finds change, and tries to convince you to tip, but now you have fo figure out how much to tip, so.

"Sorry" I say.

"See! This is what you're supposed to be working on with Dr Sherman! Talking to people,"

Didn't I not just say that in my letter? I knew all of this already, even if it doesn't seem like it.

"Oh! Speaking of Dr Sherman... I made you an appointment with him for this afternoon," Mom says.

"This afternoon? Don't I have an appointment next week?"

"Well, I thought maybe you could use something a little sooner,"

All of this? Just because I chose to skip dinner for one night? I mean, I could have taken the money, but that would just be like stealing from her.

"I'll pick you up right after school," she says.
"Have you been writing those letters to yourself? 'Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day, and here's why'! Dr Sherman is going to want to see it,"

"Um, yeah. I was just working on one,"

"Those letters are important, honey. They help you build your confidence! I don't want another Friday night of you sitting at home saying you have no friends."

I don't actually say that. Obviously I have A FRIEND, not none. Jeremy is really my only friend. Jared doesn't really consider me his.

"I don't either," I say

"Hey, I know! You can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast! How 'bout that?" she says, handing me a Sharpie from my desk.

"Eh," I say, grabbing the Sharpie.

"I'm proud of you already,"

"Oh, good,"

My mom leaves the room sadly. I mean, what else was I supposed to say? 'Oh yeah! I bet!'? Of course not!
I open my laptop back up to see what I've written so far.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Most the time, these letters do the opposite of their purpose. I mean, who else has assignments from their therapists? Who else snacks on Ativan like they're a child eating candy? They certainly don't make their mothers cry when they stay home.

Today is going to be an amazing day

Yeah maybe, if I stayed here for eternity it would be. Maybe it would actually come true.

Just be yourself

Yeah! Whatever! I got this?!