"Clancy and I talked..." Stevie had her reading glasses on the edge of her nose, staring down at the book resting on her knees.
They had been back at the apartment for about an hour- literally having stayed until they were sent home. It was almost midnight by the time they had found themselves curled up in bed.
"I could tell." He laying across the bed with a bowl of popcorn in front of him. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Lindsey knew that she would never tell him what Clancy told her... she was the best secret keeper in the whole world, especially for their kids.
Biting down on her bottom lip, she stuck her bookmark in the crease before she closed it and set it to the side. "I wanna talk, yeah." She pushed her reading glasses to the top of her head, a small smile trailing across her face when she watched him sit up and turn the movie off.
He handed her the bowl as he began crawling up the bed to be closer. "You have all my attention..." he assured in the most sincere manner.
He tried, he really did and she had to hand it to him... For a man that fought therapy as much as him, he picked up on a lot of tips.
"Last week, when I came home and you were talking to Carrie..." she lingered, "It bothered me." She admitted, even though he already knew that. "And I know that I had been the one to push us to see her and get along with her, but that made me so jealous..." the words tasted icky leaving her mouth, but she still said it.
He raised a brow, not sure he'd ever heard her say that word when referring to herself. "Jealous?" Lindsey couldn't help but smirk, which caused Stevie to do the same.
She pushed his arm playfully, shaking her head. "I regret saying it already." Stevie joked, eyes growing softer when she felt him rub her leg through the duvet.
"No, I was only joking." Lindsey quickly threw in, still encouraging her to share how she felt.
She paused for a moment, a gentle sigh escaping her before she continued. "But I realized that I've never been mad at you for any of it." Stevie had never told him that, not in all their years of marriage counseling or anything. "I might have been a little disappointed, but I didn't blame you, or think of you any different." She wasn't sure why she felt the need to tell him these things at that point, but it felt important.
Maybe it was because life was constantly changing and she wanted to remind him that he was still the one for her, or maybe it was because they were getting older and she just needed him to know... Either way, she felt like she had to share how she felt.
"You could have left..." she whispered, hand meeting his cheek to bring his eyes to hers. "You could have walked out the front door with our kids, but you didn't and I appreciate you for staying more than anything." Stevie gave him the weakest smile as her vision began to blur.
His heart sank slowly as he looked into his favorite set of eyes. "If I could go back, I would fix it all and-"
"No." She cut him off. "Don't say you regret it, because then you'd be saying that you regret Vivian..." Stevie's voice was gentle- she was so collected sometimes. "And she is far too special." She assured, totally certain of it.
He gave her leg a soft squeeze, stunned and amazed by her for the millionth time in their forty years. "You are the strongest woman ever." Lindsey believed that, completely. "And you don't ever have to be jealous of anyone, baby." His eyes scanned over her face, falling in love with all her features once more. "You are everything to me."
She giggled lightly, holding his face in her hand as she grew quiet for a second. "Sometimes, when I feel lonely, I go sit with Alli..." she knew it was a tough subject for him, but she had to get there in order to clear the air completely. "But being alone there has always been so difficult for me." She told him something he already knew. "So sometimes, Don would just sit out there with me..." she was certain it sounded crazy to Lindsey, but it was the truth. "And occasionally, we'd have dinner, but it's never been..." she paused for a second, a gentle sigh escaping her. "It's always just been about two friends, getting together when things feel rocky." It wasn't always on her side either, because sometimes he'd need her too. "There are moments when I just need to talk about it, and I know how upset you get, so-"
"I'm sorry." He cut her off, disappointed in himself more than anything else. "It's..." Lindsey let out a gentle sigh, shaking his head. "It just doesn't get easier and I don't know why." He knew why, because it was loss and loss is different and confusing for everyone.
"It's because she was ours." Stevie whispered. "She was our baby and we deserved longer than five years together." She had said that forever.
They didn't even have all four of their babies together for an entire year before one was taken, which wasn't fair.
"And even though she was only five, she left so much love behind." She added, nodding her head gentle as a small smile trailed across her face. "We've loved her every day for twenty- eight years now, and she's been gone twenty- three... so she knows." Stevie believed that, she really did. "She knows how much we love her and how much we think about her." That was something her therapist had told her multiple times, but it wasn't always easy to agree with. "And while I have so much regret over what happened that day, I am so thankful to have loved her, then to not have known her." She had come to that conclusion years earlier...
She was beyond blessed to have had Alli, even if it was only for a short time...
He stared at her for a long minute, heart soft and eyes gentle. "It's gonna be different from now on, baby." Lindsey was growing a little teary eyed, which didn't happen often. "I promise you that." He assured, rubbing her leg softly.
