The Journey Forward | ONC 2023 Version

9. A Second Wedding Night

After our first night together, we rarely spent one apart. But the initial wave of giddy emotions slowly calmed, and I grasped for everything Bao would give me. When we were apart, I looked for him. When we were together, I looked for signs that he felt the same way. I honestly couldn't put words to the storm raging in my heart. Was this love?

Weeks of gains were followed by several days of lost ground and increased casualties. The invaders had found a weakness at the edge of Bao's line and exploited it to flank one of his squadrons. Only the tenacity of the warriors and their leaders had kept most of them alive long enough for their relief to arrive. The sheer number of wounded had almost entirely tapped Jing and me out by midday. Bao came when my stumble led to his guards signaling for him with their swords and shields. Just as he approached, his guards took down another one of the numerous suicidal assassins who tried to kill me or my medics as we toiled to save as many as we could.

His hot rejuvenation poured through my body as he scooped me off the battlefield, ignoring my protests, and rode hard back to the camp before the battle cries had diminished with the sun. I wanted to enjoy the moment but feared the consequences of his actions.

"You shouldn't leave your soldiers," I warned as my head bopped lightly on his shoulder with every stride of his horse.

"And you should remain at camp, where it is safe. They are targeting you now," Bao growled back. I willed myself not to flinch or stiffen, but his anger made me want to withdraw. I knew men had fickle feelings. When you did not meet their expectations, they abandoned you. And Bao and I didn't always agree, so I tried to hold back and acquiesce when I could. But what he demanded would get people killed.

I grasped my hands in the mane of the sturdy steed and tried to think of an alternative. My body must have moved further than Bao liked because his free arm pulled me back against his chest.

"Don't run away, Bai." His whispered plea melted my stomach. His chest heaved as he took in deep, cleansing breaths. "I am not ordering you to stay. I'm asking you."

"Too many people will die if I stay at camp. There is no other way. The fighting is too intense," I finally offered. I tried to devise a compromise but couldn't volunteer Gui and Rong to go forward. They struggled enough at the edge of the battles to manage the wounded. It ripped me into pieces every time a sharp blade came at me or an arrow struck the shield of one of my protectors, but my mission drove me forward.

"You are so exhausted every day. I worry you will harm yourself." He began his arguments again as we settled at our dinner table. We had both bathed and changed, but he had not given me more of his cultivation. So he was right. I felt utterly drained.

I pondered his face for a long time, wondering where I stood in his heart. Was he worried about his wife, his healer, or his lover? Would he abandon me if I fought him on this? Would he send me back to my teacher until I learned discipline?

"I go where you go," I muttered finally—stepping away from the table in a jerky movement and trying to steal myself for his anger and rejection. In truth, though all other reasons remained sound, the main impetus for me to go to the thick of the fighting was to stay close to Bao. If he came to any harm, I could heal him.

Warm arms encircled my waist, and butterfly kisses on my head sent chills down my body.

"My heart soars and trembles at those words," he admitted and spun me to look at him. His hands moved an errant lock of hair away from my eyes. "In so short of time, I cannot imagine a world without you by my side. I fear if you are with me and worry if you are in the camp. I have never felt so paralyzed."

"I'm sorry." I hated the quiver in my voice and the tears that fell. When would fear turn to anger and anger to hate? How long did I have before Bao's affection waned? However long he gave me, I would take. I couldn't deny the burning feeling in my chest as he wiped the tears from my cheeks.