EXIT

19. DIAMOND BLACK

19. DIAMOND BLACK

To my secret relief, I hardly see Granger for the next few days.

However, since I still succumb to a motley mix of emotions every time I even think about her or our last encounter in the training room, I gratefully accept any distraction that comes my way. With increasing frequency, I visit Lovegood in the trauma room (not only because of the Exit, but also because of her soothing nature) and spend hours poring over the new information Potter has received from Daphne.

Eventually, I even talk to Daphne myself. From her I get a first-hand account of the changes that have been made to the security arrangements of the Death Eater safe houses since the Dark Lord found out that I'm still alive. As we wrap up this purely strategic part of our conversation, her blue eyes catch and hold my gaze. And then she thanks me. For saving her and her sister's life. She doesn't blame me for keeping my plan a secret for so long, nor does she see me as a traitor. Instead, she claims to be deeply indebted to me. I hate that notion and don't even remotely share it. So I just tell her that, if anyone, she needs to thank Saint Potter. Shortly thereafter I take my leave.

The conversation with Daphne upsets me. It's incredibly exhausting to keep the memories of the past seven years and the associated feelings where they (thankfully) still are to this day: in the furthest corners of my mind. The longer I'm at Camp Black, the more Death Eaters we rid of their Dark Mark, the more strategy meetings I attend, and the more I have to deal with myself, the harder it is to organize my thoughts. Every feeling that I used to quickly brush aside with the help of my Occlumency because it was unwanted or even dangerous, I now experience very consciously. Guilt, concern, affection, fear. And constant anger. Mainly at myself. Some days it's almost unbearable.

I wish I could turn off the chaos in my head, but it doesn't work without Occlumency. This inability to control my emotions only makes me angrier because it creates a feeling of mental overload and failure that I haven't had to endure in quite some time. It's a perpetual spiral that's slowly but surely driving me insane.

And then there's the thing with Granger — the icing on the pumpkin pie, so to speak. She awakens in me a temper so strong that it's truly overwhelming. An unfamiliar craving. The uncontrollable urge to look at her whenever she enters a room. A wildly pounding heart when I think of our kisses. An insatiable curiosity that keeps driving me to her as if she were the delta of a raging river and I was a piece of driftwood in its current.

For weeks, I've been telling myself she's nothing more than a mystery I want to unravel. I still want to, but that's not the only reason I'm attracted to her, I've realized that much. There's also a spark between us, at least physically, and that doesn't make it any less interesting. On the contrary. When you taste something and find that you like it, you want it again and again. And when it's even forbidden and you're supposed to stay away from it, it's all the more tempting.

I don't dare label my feelings towards Granger in any way. Instead, I try to accept this something between us for what it undeniably alsois: a temptation, a challenge, a game. Admittedly, not a game I should be playing, not a challenge I should be chasing, and not a temptation I was hoping for. But at least these terms are an explanation I can live with.

For now.

***

The next escalation at Camp Black is not long in coming.

A few days after my visit to Camp White, we launch an attack on a Death Eater safe house that Potter and I carefully selected based on Daphne's intel. To my surprise (and secret irritation), Potter informs me that Granger and Blaise will be a team and also the vanguard while I'm supposed to keep an eye on Creevey. I don't question that decision, although I do wonder if Granger actively asked for Blaise to be her partner.