Abschied || suicide translated

part 4

It's been four months since I was at this girl's funeral. This girl who took her own life. At school they seemed to have forgotten everyone, everyone was happy again and the initial shock had gone. Would that happen too should I go? No! What was that thought again? I left the school building and turned right instead of the usual left today. It was Friday, which meant I would visit her grave like every Friday. I was apparently the only one who came there every week because there was always only my candle and my withered bouquet of flowers on the grave. An icy wind brushed my face and I shivered. No wonder it was the end of March and despite the mild winter it had gotten really cold again. I now knew the route by heart. I liked the quiet here and the feeling of being closer to her. It may sound strange but I also spoke to her. And every time after I was with her, I felt a little better. However, that should not be the case this time. When I got to the grave I saw someone there. It was the girl's sister. She must have been waiting for me because as I approached she turned and came towards me. She told me how grateful she was that I had taken care of her sister's grave so far. Her mother disappeared after the funeral and her father fell into alcoholism. How could this happen? How come? Was it perhaps difficult for the bereaved? Would you miss me too? These were questions that immediately went through my head and would not let me go for a long time. After this brief conversation, she left the cemetery and I went back to the usual procedure. When I got home I was shaking. Not only because of the cold but also because of the questions that had bothered me the whole way. Any normal person would probably have warmed up in this situation, but I couldn't, not now with so many questions hammering in my head. I entered the kitchen and grabbed the largest knife that was in the top drawer. I knew it too well. I pulled my sleeve up and countless wounds and cuts as well as older, healed scars came to light. I was thinking to myself for so long before I gripped the knife tightly in my grip and pulled it across my wrist in one swift movement.