Is that you, Jesus?

You do know that's a statue, right?

A/N: to any christians who aren't like the lovely Irene and offended by this premise, the doors thatta way 👉🚪

Being drunk is just a wonderful, glorious, fabulous feeling. It makes him feel alive, especially when you're too drunk to have any inhibitions, but not drunk enough to puke everywhere and pass out in front of a hot guy who was hitting on him just moments ago (a truly harrowing experience that has traumatised him since).

He's at an Irish fella's and his mate who he can't remember the name of right now and all he knows is that he's a fake blonde's house party (he believes it's the Irish lad's mum's house), talking to his new best friend, who is pretty quiet.

Louis dominates the conversation, ranting about the fit guy he lost because Zayn just had to give him that last jelly shot, about how hot their babies would of been because the guy looked like the best parts of Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth rolled into one.

Fuck Zayn. (funnily enough, he tells the silent guy. He's cold, like Edward Cullen, worlds sexiest vampire, only rivaled by his dadd- ahem, father, Mr Carlisle- who was totally fucking Charlie, you can't convince Louis otherwise, Esme was a beard, spread the word- anyway, funnily enough, he rage fucked Zayn that night after Captain Thor made an abrupt exit, which was incredibly rude)

And he continues pouring his life out to Mr Quiet man, until a very sexy beast walks over, twinkling green eyes, white flowy shirt, long brown hair. Louis is totally down to fuck.

He's about to tell the sexy beast as much, when he opens his sexy mouth and ruins Louis' life.

Well, not really, but Louis is dramatic.

"Uh, sorry to bother you, mate... But. Uh. You do know that's a statue, right? You're talking tk a statue? And you have been for the past twenty minutes." He says, awkwardly running a hand through his hair.

Utter mortification zips through Louis', uh, blood thingies... Veins or something, and he finds himself racing out the door. He yells 'HE WAS BETTER THAN MY EX' as he runs.

Sexy beast follows him, yells after him to be careful.

Louis pays no heed to sexy beast, instead opting to continue running in the vague possible direction of his house. 

That's when he trips on a rock and almost falls into traffic.

"Woah!" Sexy beast exclaims, catching him like the chivalrous sexy beast he is. "I told you to be careful." He sighs, hair falling out of place.

It's then when Louis realises who sexy beast is.

Jesus. The literal Lord and Saviour (accurate) just stopped him from becoming road kill. 

Wait, how's Easter gonna work now? And Christmas?? Or is there going to be a new religious but actually capitalist holiday all about this bloke?

And why the hell is Jesus so sexy?! Surely that's completely against like, the existence of Jesus, he's like, what? Over 2000 years old and still sexy as hell? (granted, vampires are the same)

And another thing! How can he be sexy as hell if he's angelic as... Angels!

"Sorry, mate." Louis mutters. "Jesus." He tacks on, not sure if he should call Jesus 'mate'.

"No problem, man." Jesus replies will a dimpled smile (he didn't know Jesus had dimples, he should probably read the Bible... Or at least the New Testament). "No harm no foul."

Jesus helps him stand up, walking alongside Louis as they go towards Louis' house. Louis resists the urge to call him a superstar.

He finds himself glancing suspiciously at Jesus' water bottle. Maybe he's actually drinking vodka? Modernized his most Chad miracle.

It's with a jolt that his drunken mind realises that he can literally do whatever he wants when he's got literal Jesus Christ himself standing next to him.

And who would he be to not take advantage of that?