Ephemeral || Hong Joshua

Reflection

In the wise words of Taylor Swift in the song On your Own Kid: "Everything you lose is a step you take." This song has been my favorite of the midnight album for a while, but I had never truly understood it's meaning until I had experienced it firsthand myself. After the loss of my first boyfriend and the realization I had of losing myself in the relationship along the way, I took a step of self-improvement. I started doing all the things I had quit just to spend time with Theo. I started going on long walks with my dog again, while blasting my favorite song and singing out loud on the streets not giving a care in the world of what other people thought of it. I knew I wasn't a singer, but damn it felt good to blurt out the lyrics to Before he cheats by Carrie Underwood. Theo hadn't even actually cheated on me, but people who have experienced being broken up will know why the lyrics are still relatable. Promises are made in a relationship and by saying goodbye to the person whom you'd promised to love forever, one creates the illusion of the feelings that arise when being cheated on. Singing those lyrics and walking out in the sunlight worked as therapy for me. I was so happy he chose to break up with me in the spring, because it brought me the promise of new beginnings and everything still seemed bright and cheery. James, my dog, has never been happier and taken on so many walks. That is, in a way, also rewarding. Bringing joy to others helped me feel cheerful in return. That's why I also took up writing again. I wanted to create something that would bring merriness to others, who've experienced the same things as I have now. Plus this gave me the opportunity to reflect on myself. Had my expectations and standards been too high for him to meet or were we just not similar enough? I'd been dreaming to have a love story just like in the song The Way I loved you, since I was a little girl and I'd had that with Theo. Screaming, fighting, kissing in the rain. But, I'd also slowly been going insane. I'd been romanticizing that song for years, but now I've finally realized that wasn't the relationship I should be wanting at all. Surely, love can make people do crazy things from time to time, but fighting too much isn't healthy at all. No fighting is also not the answer. There should be a balance and it should be clear to both of you that it was perhaps just a rough patch you were going through. Not the standard of the relationship. For us it was. So, perhaps "This isn't working anymore" was the right way to put it after all.