Inside The Box

"I Wanna Go Back" ***TRIGGER WARNING***

Then suddenly the people I call my friends were gathered around me and the last real thing I remember was looking across the table and hearing the words, "This isn't real." I don't know what happened on the outside from then on, but I sure as hell knew that on the inside, I was trapped. I could see everything but I couldn't. It was like everything was just jumbled up in one tiny image multiplied by millions of tiny copies. I could hear bits and pieces from the outside and I could occasionally twitch my body but it was getting harder and harder to move. I remember there was a moment when I stopped and I was back, but only for a split second. Next thing I know I can hear these faint clicking sounds like the old movie reels when they're turning and I can feel my body jolting out and back, like I was being pulled up in an arch and shoved back down in a concave. It felt like I was breaking my spine. I was in so much discomfort. I remember feeling pressure on my face like someone was suffocating me with a pillow or something and I can hear these faint whispers, "Hey, you're gunna die." "It's okay, I've been where you are." "I'm here, okay?"

Then I start to feel something cold. I'm on the ground. My face is in something wet. I was laying in a puddle of my own puke. I could hear water running but it didn't sound normal. It sounded distorted, and glitchy, like it was a soundtrack playing on an old record. It kept fading in and out. Next thing I know, I am back on the couch. I think I'm laying on someone. I can hear their heartbeat like a song with too much bass. Just one pounding beat right after another. I tried so hard to yell out and tell them I was there. That I could hear them. That they just needed to get me out. All I needed was to let them know that I was suffering. All I needed was for them to see me. To really see me. I was getting so frustrated, my mind was going blank and it was getting really quiet. I thought that my visions or maybe just my thoughts were fading, but I realized I was fading away. I wasn't able to see anything but blurs anymore. The last clear thought that ran through my mind was that if I wasn't going to get noticed, if I was going to be stuck in this place I thought was Hell, then I might as well just try to put myself out of my misery. Next thing I know, everyone who I loved is flashing through my mind, everyone that left me is reminding me how much I miss them.

Now I am sure I can feel something. It's a sharp pain up and down my arms. My arms are wet and warm. I can't see what's going on but I can guess. It's hard to tell if I actually slit open my veins or if what I feel is just false hope.

Everything is clear for a second then everything suddenly turns pitch black and I assume that I had closed my eyes. When they open, I can see my friends sleeping on the couch across me. One of my friends is asleep on the floor right below my feet. My house is dead silent. I go to my bathroom, ignore myself in the mirror and wash my hair, my face, and my hands. I felt so gross. So different. So out of place. That place that I was trapped in for what was only a few hours had become my home for what felt like a few days. I never want to go back there, but maybe I do. It was the only place where I could pretend that I was gone. Really gone. I was ignored,, left alone, and I was able to do things that I can't do in the "real world." As I walk back into my living room, I can hear my friends moving around. I lay back down on the couch and fall asleep. I wake up shortly after to see them staring at me. I sit up and stare back, waiting to see who will break the silence. I am relieved when I hear him ask, "Are you okay?" I normally would reply with, "yeah, I'm fine." but I couldn't help it. I just had to tell somebody what the fuck had just happened on my end. I got the exact reaction I was expecting. A blank expression with a hint of fear in his eyes. And at that moment, all I could think was, "I wanna go back."