Inside The Box

The Addiction Monster

I was dormant until you fed me. When I tasted it the first time, my eyes opened but my body remained still. You didn't feed me very often at first. With time you showed me pain, discomfort, depression, anger, and shame. You fed me over and over again, each time waking a different part of me. Since I knew what I needed, I couldn't let you neglect me. I always begged for more. I would scream and kick every time you tried to forget. I'm here, I'm hungry, I'm twisting and burning and I need you to feed me. Feel my pain, discomfort, depression, anger, and shame. You hated to feel those things so of course you couldn't ignore me. No matter how many times or how often I was fed, it was never enough. I wanted more and more. I'd make you sick, irritable, and cruel. I swallowed every last part of you and replaced it with everything you've built me from, everything you hated. You fed me to numb the pain, you wanted to hurt everyone else so they knew what it was like. You fed me so that you didn't have to be present for the discomfort. You fed me to feel the depression so intensely that you didn't care whether you lived or died. You wanted me to take over and end your suffering because you had too much guilt. You're lucky someone had always been there to stop me. You fed me to fuel your anger because you were tired of being pushed around and stomped on. You were tired of being ignored so you would punch and break and feed with no empathy because they never had any for you. You fed me when you felt as if you were so lost in your guilt that I couldn't suppress. It kept surfacing and taunting which started to build up into the shame. Every time you'd feed me, I'd be feeding you. I fed you  trauma and deception. I became strong enough to take control. Now, I could feed myself. I could make you do every last thing you thought you'd never do. I wanted to cause you chaos so I deteriorated your mind and heart. I created this abyss that you tried so hard to fill, but I was in control. I watched others tear you apart and break you down, forcing you to feed me. I teared you apart and broke you down because I needed to produce the things that created my hunger. The pain, discomfort, depression, anger, and shame. I wore you down until all that was left was desperation. Desperation to keep me alive and the desperation to end the suffering. I laid your life out in front of you so you could face how far you'd fallen. I had hoped it would drive you to end our life because death was all I had to offer. It did, but not in the way I expected. You stared at the display I gave and you surrendered. You surrendered and accepted that you had no control and you didn't want to "live" like that anymore. As I cling to your soul, you fight day after day to rebuild the life you watched me destroy. Day by day, I try to remind you of the horrible things we did but you stand tall. Everyday you're alive, you get stronger as I fade. I will remain there, dormant in your soul, but you never have to feed me again.