Inside The Box

Trix The Pit-Boxer Mix

I hate that I had to leave you behind but I know you're with a loving family who you've known for a couple years. I keep thinking about the day I got to meet you. It was September 11th of 2020 and I was in the middle of my shift, restocking and cleaning in the back. My coworker had called me over, "Mija, come look outside!". I wasn't expecting to come out and see you laying on the ground, shaking and whimpering. You had these big, floppy ears and these beautiful black markings around your eyes. I was told that you had been thrown out of a vehicle and that you had scars indicating you could have been used as a bait dog. I wanted to hold you so bad, but I was afraid of how fragile you looked. My coworker had said that the homeless lady who brought you here couldn't take care of herself let alone a pup and that she had too many dogs of her own to take care of. She had asked me if I wanted to help find you a home and of course my response was, "She already has one. Give me ten minutes to get ahold of my roommates to let them know that I am bringing a puppy home". I had never had a pet before and I had absolutely no plan, but I knew right away I needed you as much as you needed me. I had coworkers offer to watch you during my shifts and a family vet that offered to take a look at. I found out what breed you were and that you were about 6 months old which meant you would have been born in the same month I was. I called you Trix because of your big floppy ears which were way too big for your head at the time. You used to fit in my lap while I was driving but as time went by, you grew bigger and bigger. You would sleep right next to me with your head on my chest or on my neck. I think it was to feel my breath or heartbeat. When you started to sit behind the driver's seat of my car, I would always have to reach my hand back every once in a while to make sure you were there. You knew when I was anxious or sad or when I was having a nightmare. You always made me feel better. I would take you everywhere and I would rarely leave you at home but as I started relying on substances more and more, I would leave you at home or at your co-mom's house. Suddenly, I wasn't picking you up when I should have been, I didn't know where you were, I was putting you in danger, and I started to neglect you as I neglected myself. When I decided I wanted to get clean, I had to leave you behind because where I was going wouldn't allow me to bring you. It's been 4 months since I last held you and kissed you on your forehead. It's been so hard to figure life out without you and everyday I spend missing you, I'm afraid that you have forgotten about me. I am so afraid that by the time I am able to see you again, you won't remember me or love me like you had before. I am ashamed and I am so upset with how I treated you. I did to you what my biological mother did to me. I chose the substances over you. I am doing everything I can to build a foundation and find a new place where we can live and I am doing everything I can to see you as soon as possible because I need you. I need you and I really hope that you still need me. I miss you so much. I hope you can forgive me.