silenced whispers of the heart | poetry

the hardest fucking pill to swallow

i never wanted to lose you.
there, i said it!
you were my best friend.
i'd move heaven and earth for you.
you meant so much to me.
you were like a family to me.
an older brother.
then all of a sudden,
everything went out of control!
instead of seeing me just as a friend,
you were noticing me as a woman.
you saw a potential in me.
i was your girl friend.
but then you wanted to clear the space.
you professed your love.
and my dumb, innocent heart hyped it up.
i started noticing you as a man,
someone who could be the one for me.
i've met so many "the one's" before
and i was convinced no one lived up to the role anymore.
that scared the shit out of me.
i was scared you'd end up being no one,
when i wanted you to be someone
for me.
and like all the men before you,
i was so wrong.
the worst part was that
i actually blamed myself.
i was hurt because you stopped loving me.
but i was more hurt because i believed it was because of me.
of my mediocrity.
i blamed myself for not being pretty enough,
for not being smart enough,
for not being kind enough,
for simply not being enough.
you were the first to say the words
"i love you"
and you were the first to leave.
i came in last.
but before i go,
let me just say this.
the hardest fucking pill to swallow was that it wasn't your fault,
nor it was mine.
we fell apart because we were never meant to be together.
maybe as friends,
but we're past that.
we're nothing to each other now.
just strangers with memories.