Fitting Back Together

The Pieces of Our Past

Trigger Warning: reference to past child abuse and domestic abuse

. . .

Magna's body was tense against hers. The tensest it had been since they'd first collapsed onto this mattress - barring the moments when they'd been caught up in undressing each other, but that was a different kind of tension entirely. One she sorely regretted the loss of now. Yumiko wondered how long it would be before they were able to return to it. If they were able to.

Yumiko knew that her words tonight had confirmed one of Magna's long-held fears. That she would only ever bring darkness to her life. That she wasn't good enough. Would never be good enough. That she was dangerous.

That Yumiko would be better off without her. Had always been better off without her.

It hadn't been her intention. To give kindling to a belief that she had never believed herself - still didn't. But it had also been unavoidable.

Magna was right. Yumiko had needed to say those things. And Magna had needed to hear them.

But still, it was going to take her time to work through them. To recover.

Yumiko would help her if she could. But she honestly didn't think there was anything she could say. Anything that hadn't already been said. This was an old battle of Magna's, well worn, and the very fact that it continued to wage spoke of just how little power her words had to call a ceasefire.

So for now, all Yumiko could do was give her time - and hope this didn't eat away at her in the process. Eat away at the love between them.

'I'm in.'

She had to believe that. Had to hold onto it. Hold onto the conviction that had welded those words together, burning in Magna's eyes.

The way forward might not be smooth, but she had to believe that she wasn't the only one determined to sail it. To do everything possible to keep from going off course. Or sinking entirely.

Magna's hand, still pressed against her cheek, helped with that.

('I don't want to be like them.')

Yumiko tried not to feel guilty. Tried not to fall back into that mindset she'd become trapped in so often during her relationship with Nicole. The one that would spring up around her after an argument. After she'd said her piece. Defended herself.

That mindset had been entirely of Nicole's making. Yumiko's guilt hadn't been natural - nor deserved - but something Nicole had planted the seeds for, forced to grow. She'd been so good at twisting things. Turning black into white. Hot into cold.

This wasn't like that. This was nothing like that.

And she knew Magna would be the first to tell her that she had nothing to feel guilty about. That she'd done the right thing.

And she had. Yumiko believed she had. She'd done the right thing and she didn't regret it.

But it was difficult not to fall back into old habits. To not feel those poisonous seeds sprouting anew.

Yumiko took a breath. Stopped them from taking root.

"Don't."

She blinked at the command. "What?"

Magna's eyes were knowing. "Feel guilty for telling the truth. . . I'm a big girl, I can handle it. I deserve to handle it."

Maybe.

But there was a difference between handling the truth and being ripped apart by it. The defeat that had swam in Magna's eyes, the fear, still pressed sharp in her memory.