Guilt

6: "Do you wanna build a snowman?"

People bustled around him and blue and red lights flashed contrasting the shadows on the distant trees. It was dark now. The moon illuminated the night with its entourage of stars. He sat on the back step of an ambulance with a blanket draped over his shoulders. His hair was greasy and stringy from the sweat and lay disheveled over his forehead.

Mike sat hunched over, shirtless, letting a medic examine his bruised torso and bloodied face. His upper lip was caked with dried blood from his bleeding nose and the gash on his cheek wouldn't stop bleeding. He looked like a wounded boxer. Normally his eyes were golden- in the realest sense- and brighter than the sun, but in that moment they were almost gray with defeat.

The medic started wrapping gauze around his torso with precise gloved hands, He sat up straight and lifted his arms to let her do her job easier. She slid her hands with the gauze around his toned chest and stomach. Mike wasn't blessed with ripped abs, but he was definitely cut for someone in his thirties.

After she'd finished wrapping his torso, she moved to his knuckles- which had been bruised and a little busted up from the punch he hit Ray with.

I didn't realize I hit him that hard...

She resolved that his knuckles would be ok and moved to the bruise in the shape of Ray's hands that discolored Mike's neck. As she touched it, he flinched. She hesitated to touch it again- nervous that she'd hurt him, but it didn't hurt him. He was ashamed of the tainted skin. Ashamed of what his brother had done to him.

He lifted his chin and let her look and again, she resolved that he would be ok. She then moved her attention back to his bleeding face and started dabbing the gash with an alcohol-doused cotton ball.

A piercing stinging sensation cut him as the cotton ball touched his skin, "Ay!"

The medic tried continuing on but Mike fought against her. She finally got him to sit still and let her finish. He sat there and huffed like an angry toddler as she finished up. The gash stopped bleeding and she wiped his nose and upper lip clean. She told him he needed bed rest for a week and to take it easy for a couple of weeks after that. He nodded and she walked off, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

He just sat- numb- and watched the world move without him. Kate talked with a few crime scene guys to his right. Another group of cops talked by the cluster of cruisers. The rest were rummaging through the house, photographing evidence, running tests, and collecting data. Just normal procedure.

Tires kicked up gravel and then halted quickly. Mike looked up to see Nova slamming the door of Mike's Mustang and running toward him. He perked up as Nova ran into his arms, crushing him with his tight grip around his neck and irritating his bruises.

"Ay, mi amor! Be gentle with me, I'm in a lot of pain right now."

Nova let go of him and grabbed his face to examine him while rambling incoherently about how Mike was a reckless idiot and what he would do if something happened to him. Mike just grabbed his wrists gently and pulled his forehead down to meet his.

"I'm fine, cariño. I'll be in tip-top shape in a week, tops. Ok?"

Nova nodded and took a deep breath before pulling back and adjusting his glasses. Mike felt a little trickle of blood coming from the gash again and grabbed a gauze pad to put pressure on it.

"O-kay this one might need a couple stitches."

Nova scowled, "So, what happened?"

Mike sighed and held Nova's hand as he filled his husband in on the terrible events that conspired within the walls of his childhood home. Nova just sat and listened, horrified.

"Ray's really dead?"

"He is," Mike paused, "He made me choose between killing him and seeing my family again and I will always choose you guys," he rubbed his thumb against the back of Nova's hand. Nova smiled a soft consoling smile before an angry voice cut through the tender moment.

"Ramirez! You're finished! You hear me! Done!" Chief Watson was storming over to them, red in the face. Mike stood up and threw the blanket into the ambulance before positioning himself between Watson and Nova protectively. He took the gauze pad off his face and balled up his fists. After everything he'd just been through, he was not in any state of mind to deal with Chief Watson's bullshit.

"You not only disobeyed a direct order but you killed the suspect before we could get a confession out of him! Gimme your badge and your gun! You're suspended indefinitely effective immediately!" Watson spat the words in his face.

Mike just stood there, unflinching, letting the blood from the gash trickle down his cheek again, and waited for him to finish. He stood silent and unmoving even after, just staring him down. Uncertainty flashed in Watson's eyes and Mike's lips twitched, resisting the smirk pulling at his lips. He didn't break eye contact as he plucked his badge from his belt, pulled his gun from his holster, and put them aggressively in Watson's outstretched hand.

Watson looked him up and down and stormed off. Kate, who'd just witnessed the mini-showdown along with everyone else working the crime scene, walked over with her jaw hanging open. She hugged Nova and greeted him courtly, still looking at Mike.

After she'd let him go she turned to Mike and asked, "Are you crazy? He's mad enough. Are you trying to get fired?!"

Mike smiled half-dryly, grabbing another gauze pad and putting it on the gash, and replied, "I could definitely use the vacation."

Nova and Kate both playfully slapped his ribs. He pulled back in pain, feeling very ganged up on. They all shared a little chuckle for a moment before the crushing reality truly set in.

Kate hesitated for a moment before telling Mike, "We found another body in the house."

"What?" Mike sat down and helped Nova onto his lap.

"It was a homeless man. His throat had been slashed like all the others, but this time only his heart had been cut out," she hesitated again, "We didn't recover it so.."

"He must've eaten it," Mike finished her sentence.

A few yards away, a couple of medics carried out a stretcher with a black body back on top. They lifted the stretcher into another ambulance and took off toward the morgue. Mike watched their every movement, picturing Ray's corpse inside the bag with the fatal gunshot wound which permanently burned Mike's guilt into Ray's chest.

Nova rubbed Mike's shoulder comfortingly and whispered, "It's not your fault, Cael. You made the right call. You protected yourself. Don't beat yourself up."

"I still pulled the trigger. I'll have to suffer with that for the rest of my life," he went silent, and memories of him and Ray flashed through his mind, adding pounds of guilt onto his shoulders with each laugh, each smile, each tear, each inkling of nostalgic bliss. He inhaled sharply and shook his head, trying to shake off the pressure (a bitter failure). He turned to Nova, "Let's go home."

Mike wrapped his arm around Nova's shoulders and they walked off toward his car, going back and forth about who should drive (Mike won by playing the I've-just-been-through-a-beating card).

Sliding into the plush leather of the driver's seat, he could finally exhale for a moment. He pushed his feet into the clutch and brake and turned the car on, revving it to life. He put his left hand firmly on the steering wheel and used the other to grab Nova's hand. He started to drive down the gravel driveway, reveling in the purr of the powerful engine. He used his and Nova's clasped hands to upshift into second gear as he turned out of the driveway. He quickly shifted into third and then fourth, spinning the tires and burning the rubber during the turn. They sped down the empty road and into the night, pondering what they should have for dinner.