I haven't been very honest lately.
I suppose i'm still suffering from that paralyzing hatred,
The one where I find myself with knots in my stomach and holes in my sanity,
Thinking:
What happened?
Are you familiar with that feeling?
I would guess that you are,
Considering you're even more of a wreck than I am at the moment.
Why do I sit
With a screaming mind and closed lips,
Feeling so helplessly bitter,
Thinking about something not worth thinking about,
Thinking about you?
[It's embarrassing how often you suffocate my mind.
Are you trying to ruin me? Or are you naturally this pathetic?]
I count the number of times your eyes flicker towards mine,
I memorize the shape of your nose as you give me that familiar sideways glance.
I hate how blue your iris' are.
I hate how your hair falls in yellow strings.
I hate your ivory skin,
Your elfish ears,
Your purple veined ankles with nails painted eggplant color.
I hate how I hear rain clouds stirring when you smile,
Your physiognomies have killed me in all the worst ways.
I've sat by my window watching the hurricanes blow through
Only to realize I was standing in the eye of it all along.
I haven't been very honest lately,
And it's partly because neither have you.
I've grown tired of your lies,
Your delusional, milky falsehoods,
And your astounding denial of reality.
I don't care for your
Overly-dramatic sob stories.
Everyone has a challenge,
And yours are not particularly overwhelming, dear.
I would appreciate if you didn't ask for my pity,
When I watched you laugh and leave my world in embers.
You've scarred my entirety,
Did you really think I would keep playing with fire?
Do you realize how much you've taken from me?
Do you see how much you've destroyed in me?
My writing,
My thoughts,
My music,
My home.
I used to feel safe and secure,
I used to feel happy,
But now all I feel is your stare.
Why am I still standing in the eye of your storm?
You're an insidious virus
Sucking color from my veins,
You're changing my pigment to green.
I haven't been very honest lately,
But the truth is:
I'm jealous.
How dare you use him,
How dare you use me?
You took my friends and loved ones
And crushed them in your palm,
You used them for your ugly games
And cried when they were gone.
Why did he enjoy being used by you for so long?
Why were you more important than me?
Why was I not good enough?
Why did you have to make me feel so secondary?
I haven't been very honest lately,
But I suppose now is a good time for truth.
Everything about this is killing me,
It's leeching and draining what little life I have left,
And I'm scared.
I miss who I am,
Or I guess,
Who I was,
And I hate how much I've lost.
I hate how I hate
I hate how I fear
I hate how I hurt
I hate how I'm gone.
Why did you need to ruin me?
Why are you always on my thoughts?
Why are you making me hurt so badly?
Why am I still so lost?
...
What am I supposed to do?
