Oh How I'm Tired Of The Lies

I'm trying to fight it. 'Make it stop! ' I plead to the skies.
Pain is addicting, I've come to realize.
I come full circle seeking what's caused their cries.
Masochist to the fullest, I'm aware of the price.
When life begins to lose Meaning, that's when it starts, the lies.
'I'm fine, I'll be ok, I'm good' my smiling disguise.
Emotional pain is unbearable, slowly and silently my soul dies.
I touch my scars and yearn for the pain, I close my eyes.
1 deep breath, then another, I feel my chest rapidly begin to rise.
The anticipation builds. I'm trying.... 'don't give in! ' I'm tired of the lies.
'Don't do it! ' I touch the scars. ' Stop! ' my heart sadly sighs.
Physical pain I CAN control. I say when I say where. 'I'm trying! ' I look to the skies.
No answer.
Forgive me.
I say to everyone and no-one. I slowly open my eyes.
1
2
3
4
5... 6.. slice after slice.
Trembling, revelling, numbing. Calming. Oh, How time flies.
'I tried. ' I quietly watch through glass covered eyes.
Drip..
Drip..
Drip...
It dries.
It sets in, the guilt. It triples in size.
Pain is addicting. Do you see? Do you realize?
'Don't give in! Fight!' But it's my only vice.
'Stop it!' Why? It's given life meaning for a moment, it feels nice. For a moment I can believe my own lies.
'I'm fine, I'll be ok' it begins to fade. I close my eyes.
Full circle, but I'm aware of the price...
'Don't! ' my fists clench shakily on my thighs.
Oh, how I'm tired of the lies.