Vent

5

Big TW SH

Hello again,

It's been a while huh?
Actually a lot has happend. Many really good things, but also bullshit. I'm not sure where this is going? Like idk whats happening at the moment.

On the one hand I'm super happy with my bf. And also my internship is really cool.
But idfk there are some topics that keep coming up and that make it hard to step forward. Also with my bf.

We're nearly together for a year and thats crazy? Also we're thinking about moving together. But we can't until 07'24 and these 15 months seem so fucking far away.
And also some other stuff, but I dont wanna think abt it.

Now to the main point of this chapter and now also the TW is active.

My bf isn't doing good and I'm not aswell. Idk if he really knows that or how much my head keeps me awake atm. Since he is in a bad state too, I don't wan't him to know everything. I'll tell him when I can't hold it in.

The urge to sh is so bad atm. I've been clean since last April. Not even a whole year. Ofc sometimes the urge comes back, but during the last days? Its been horrible. It also seemed like my brain stopped working. Like f.e. I burned myself many times, without really noticing it or feeling a lot of pain. And I didn't even remembered that those things were hot etc.

I just want this and those stupid thoughts to go away. & I wan't my bf to feel better again.
He honestly is my light and makes everything so much better. But this also makes me so super afraid of loosing him.

I hope I won't relapse. I don't wan't to have to tell my bf about it. He stays strong and survives so much... Also I don't want to see that look on my stepmoms or dads face ever again. Also I really wanna get to the 1 year mark and continue.

I really hope my mental health gets better.
Oh and I hope no one I know reads this.

I'm talking so much about myself, it feels weird.

I guess I'll update someday. Even tho I think that no one is going to read this? Who would read my random thoughts and venting stuff.
If you did - How was it?

Tae.