In My Palm Yet Out of Reach

CHAPTER EIGHT: The Shuddering Night

Autumn leaves floated in the air leaving the mother trees alone to face the chilly wind. I felt the cold shudder through my entire body as Tylor's departure knocked on the door. I wanted to express my true feelings and wanted to say boldly, "I love you, Tylor, very much. Will you love me as well? Will you be my boyfriend and stay with me?" I wanted to hold onto him and want him to be mine and mine only. But I battled within myself and rooted my feelings deep within, promising myself to never let them bloom but instead burn them down over time. Because my holding on to him will kill somebody's soul. I was the one who turned the table and I should bear the responsibility of placing the things in the right place as before. I couldn't afford to do more wicked things behind some innocent girl.

Keep aside the departure time with Tylor; just the thought of it broke my heart into pieces and millions of tears dampened my pillow. My heavy heart pushed me down and made me weak in the knees. Like an old woman supported by a stick, I had to mindfully stand on my strength, and time and again I had to wake myself from the world of sadness.

I promised to accompany him until Pearl City. The night before our departure to Pearl City, Tylor visited my place. As usual, we had dinner, exchanged a few words, and watched a movie, feeling the laughter in the air. Both of us ignored the reality of our departure and happily dwelled on the moment as if we had time together forever. Nonetheless, as the hands of the clock neared midnight, we exchanged departing gifts. I controlled my tears and smiled brightly as I handed over the gift, which I had chosen as a pullover. He said he wanted to unwrap the gift, but I halted him and told him to do that when he reached home.

He stared at me deeply which burned a fire in my cheek, and I smiled at him. He smiled back and slowly lowered his face into my lap. I crossed my left hand on his shoulder and placed my other hand on his head. He kept on lying like that for a while, and after a moment I felt like he was crying. I giggled and tried to pull his head up but he forced himself to burry within my lap. I gave him time to relax while I rested my head on his back. Slowly, he calmed himself. He finally pulled himself and hugged me tiredly.

"Hey, Pheobe, I am gonna miss you...badly." He tightened his grip.

"I will miss you too." Without any further talk, we stayed like that for a few moments.

"You should leave now. It's nearing midnight." I said pulling out from his embrace.

"Okay." We bade goodbye for the night. I went to bed all by myself, full of loneliness.

The following day, in the afternoon, we rode a bus and went to Pearl City. Because of the scorching sun, I had fallen asleep on his shoulder and he woke me up when we were entering the gate of the city. First, we booked a room and after setting up our things in the room, we set out to explore the city. I visited the city once on the way when I was on a field trip during my college days. Back then I didn't get time to see the city, but with Tylor, I got a chance to visit nearly the whole city.

Just like its name, the city shines like a pearl filled with people everywhere. In the evening, we visited a Sidshin Temple and circumambulated it for certain times. Then we took a rest on the nearby bench and watched dangling leaves above us with a dim moonlight reflecting on our faces. Later, he forced me to take out my shoes and accompany him in walking barefoot on the soft, warm ground beneath us. We saw lots of people around us, and some of them were even sleeping there just like that.

Though it was the last day of our togetherness, I felt wonderful and satisfied. I was happy to explore new places, meet new people, and discover new things with Tylor. Around 10 p.m., we had our dinner and reached back to our room. We didn't talk much about the next day because I didn't want to make our final night gloomy, and he seemed to feel the same since he didn't mention anything about our future.

Time slipped through our hands just like water does, and it was already past nine in the morning when I was awake. Tylor was still sleeping peacefully behind me with his hand around my waist. I turned around to face him, and my movement made him shudder a bit but continued closing his eyes. I stared at his face. And I noticed myself fighting against the pain behind my eyes. I didn't want to lose him. I tucked my face under his chin and secretly shed a tear, but suddenly Tylor lifted my face and forced me to face him. I closed my eyes as the gush of tears ran out of them. He didn't say anything; instead, he planted a kiss on my forehead and embraced me.

We had our last breakfast in one of the fancy restaurants, yet the pain clotted within me and stopped me from feeling the taste of the delicate foods in front of me.

Yes, I firmly promised him to be in touch even after the distance barred us, but deep down I felt guilty for telling a lie to him. I promised myself to end everything between us and not to contact him once we were away from each other. I hurtfully welcomed our departure as a blessing to stop myself from being the villain in the loving story of the couple.

He reached me at the bus station and stayed there until the bus moved. So finally, it was time to move. All the other passengers settled into their seats, and I was the last. As we walked near the bus, he stopped me.

"Give me a hug," I could barely hear his word which seemed like a plea. I wanted to hold onto him tiredly, but I controlled myself because if I did that I was sure I would not be able to control myself from shedding a tear in front of many people.

I smiled with blurred eyes and said, "Bye." I turned and rode the bus. I don't know whether he bid me goodbye or not since I ran inside and settled rashly on the seat because my tears were too fast to exit, and I had to bury my face in my lap to hide it from the other passenger. The bus moved, and I failed to see him standing there since I couldn't help myself pulling up until I was out of Pearl City.

Bzz...Bzzz... "Yes?" "You okay?" Tylor inquired on the other end.

"Yes, I am." I tried controlling the tear and put effort to sound normal. "I should drop the call. I am feeling dizzy because of motion."

I lied since if I kept the call for too long, I was afraid that he might notice my shaking voice.

"Okay, let me know when you reach back." His voice was also gloomy.

I didn't fall asleep that day as I do usually in the car. I watched the trees and sky blankly. My mind was jumbled, and I couldn't think straight. I can't remember what I thought in particular throughout the ride.

I texted him and said I needed a rest as soon as I entered my house. Straight away I went to bed throwing my things on the floor. The scene from the bus station kept on popping into my head, and I regretted a lot not giving him a final hug. I wished to rewind the time so that we could share the last hug. I pulled the blanket over my head, buried my face in the pillow, and cried my soul out. The night was so long and cold.