uh tw: suicide, bullying
For the past twelve years, Namjoon has been bullied by a friend. A childhood crush? Lover? He doesn't know what to call Yoongi anymore. Namjoon is not sure why he puts up with the constant harassment, bullying, and threats he faced since kindergarten. Namjoon doesn't know if he can go through it any longer as he's sitting in his classroom with tears on his face. He thinks back to those twelve years and thinks why he stayed.
Kim Namjoon was born on September 12th on a windy morning. Namjoon was described as a beautiful baby boy with his sharp cutting eyes and height adding a personal touch. He had "dragon eyes" as his mother would say. Namjoon remembers the first time he was thought of differently that his eyes were a curse instead of a gift. On the first day of elementary school, before even entering the classroom, a boy yelled out " Monster! ". Namjoon, not knowing who was being called a 'monster', looked around but saw no one around him. " It's you with the scary eyes! You look like a monster! " yelled a little boy. He looked towards the source, it was a black-haired boy around his height smirking at him. " You are a monster! " The surrounding children all started laughing and Namjoon. They pointed out his spooky eyes. " Monster, Monster Monster " is what Namjoon was called all day. By the end of the day, Namjoon's soft beautiful skin was red from all the crying he had done. Namjoon explained to his mom that the children called him a monster and it started all because of one boy he didn't know. His mother hushed him, taking Namjoon, into her arms. "Who was the boy Namjoon? ". Namjoon recalls the boy as having midnight black hair and kinda cat-like in a way. His mother thought for a second to herself. " Would you like for him to apologize to you? ". "Yes please, mama."
Namjoon and his mother walked out of their unit to the door across from theirs, unit 10. Namjoon's mother knocked on the door and out came another woman, it was obvious that she was a mother as well. " Good evening ma'am but do you have a son that goes to Ilsan Elementary? '' she asked. The women nodded. " Is there something you need him for? " "Yes he has something for my son." The woman called for her son and out came the boy who looked guilty when he saw Namjoon. "Yoongi, this woman said you had something for her son, is that true? " I yes, I am sorry for calling you a monster. Do you think I can accept my apology and make up" Namjoon looked back at his mother and his mother gave a small smile and pushed him further. "Yes, I can, thank you for apologizing." Namjoon laughs as he recalls the memories. The tears keep falling from him as he looks at the box cutter in one hand and the letter in the other.
He should have said no and cut all ties with Yoongi. While sitting at his desk for the final time he knows he's not ready to go yet without thinking of at least a few more memories.
Namjoon's years in the middle was one of the worst things he experienced. Sure he was good with grades and athletic. It didn't stop those who wanted to hurt him. One of those was Yoongi laughing while he was on the floor with trash all over him.
Namjoon had never made friends in middle school, he stopped after a nasty fight he had with Yoongi. He could never remember what the fight was about but knows that it left a nasty bruise on his cheek. Namjoon will never forget the shock on Yoongi's face as he tried to help him off the floor. Maybe that was the last time Yoongi cared.
However, that never stopped anyone from approaching Namjoon and trying to make friends. Though he tried his hardest to stay away from the crowd, there was always that one person. That one person was a seventh grader by the name of Park Jimin.
Jimin was what Namjoon would describe as happiness personified. Jimin was always happy about something. His hair was jet black and always had a cute barrette pulling back his bangs. Namjoon was never really sure why Jimin gravitated to him. He never really talked to him, except for small greetings in the halls but that never stopped him. " Hi Namjoon. How was your morning? " he said cheerfully at the lunch table. " Uh it's fine, it could be better, " Namjoon said. " Namjoon there's someone staring holes into the back of your head. Do you know him? " Jimin asked, looking at the boy glaring at his friend. Namjoon looked back and quickly looked forward. Namjoon gulped then laughed " I- He's an old classmate of mine ". That old classmate of hers was Yoongi. " Wow he looks really mean, you be careful OK? " Jimin gave him a small pat on the back. The little pat on the back was probably the nicest thing someone has done to Namjoon throughout his entire middle school career.
The bell marking the end of lunch came faster than normal. Jimin left first before giving Namjoon a hug and telling him to have a nice day. Namjoon waved him goodbye while picking up his tray. As Namjoon was above the trash can he was pushed into it. The smell of old food covered his uniform, his hair, and himself. Namjoon didn't know what to do, whether it was to remain silent or let his tears fall, he wasn't sure. " Hey watch where you are going ". Namjoon looked up to see Yoongi snickering over his trash-covered body. " Maybe you should go call for your little boyfriend to help you. '' Yoongi took a milk carton and poured it on his head. Yoongi couldn't help but giggle while it was happening. He threw the empty carton at his head and walked off.
Now that Namjoon thinks back, he should have tackled him and smeared trash all over Yoongi. But he didn't, why? He'll never be sure. Maybe it's because Namjoon wasn't sure of what to have felt in that situation or the fact before Yoongi walked away he said " I love you the most Namjoon ". Namjoon doesn't remember how the year went but knows it ended with Yoongi by his side. The school day is almost over and his time is coming soon but Namjoon wishes to relive one last memory before he goes.
His last memory that he wished to relive was of today. Namjoon's freshman to senior year was absolutely horrible. There wasn't a day when Yoongi wasn't by his side. The constant threats were unbearable. " If you leave me, I'll make it worse. Don't you dare leave me. " and more. Namjoon doesn't even know when he was claimed as Yoongi's lover. But a week earlier Namjoon had put his foot down for the first time since he met Yoongi. Namjoon explained that it would be best if they never contacted each other again. Namjoon would be moving to a better school on the other side of Seoul. That's where their paths would have split and never collided again, but fate was never kind to Namjoon.
Just a day before Namjoon's big move, he heard a commotion going on at the school's board. This board is meant for posting announcements and clubs, fundraisers, and events. However, the board was covered with edited pictures of Namjoon. Somewhere edited to make it look like he was cheating and some were edited pictures of his body. The feeling he was feeling was the same as in middle school. Above the pictures were words in red. 'Why did you leave me Namjoon?' The crowd around him felt piercing, the whispers burned his ears and their stares felt like needles. Namjoon turned to the crowd and bowed respectfully. Namjoon pushed through the crowd to his next class. This brought us to the present now.
Namjoon doesn't have anything to say after his last memory. He looks at the letter in his right hand and a box cutter in the left. Namjoon's next class starts in twenty minutes and he's sure he will be gone by then. Namjoon looks at himself and smiles for the last time. He places the letter on his desk and starts to drift away, while his red tears flow
To my dearest Min Yoongi,
I hope that my final letter finds you well, or not considering the way you know I have ended things. I thought back to all the times we've spent together, and looking back I wished I had never accepted your apology. I have no one else to blame but myself for staying by you. However I always had to wonder what was your reason, was it because that's how you were or did you love me? I'll never know the truth, but it would have been rude of me not to say goodbye.
From a place higher than Heaven Kim Namjoon
The bell rang for the class and screams could be heard through the halls. Namjoon wonders if Yoongi ever really cared but it's too late to ask now.
There are 3 screams heard, one from an unfortunate bystander who saw Namjoon taking his final breath, Jimin seeing his friend finally smiling for the last time, and the letter read by Min Yoongi
