we can make it through this

I dont want to fight

Three months later

Mayas POV

I've had 9 more sessions, and the cancer isn't budging. Even Dr. James doesn't know what to do. More chemo, and my body gets weaker. A surgery could cost me my life.

I've never felt like this before, truly helpless. I can't do anything without being exhausted even though I spend most of my time sleeping. Carina tells me my body needs the sleep to keep fighting, but at this point I don't know what to do.

"You have three options, Captain Bishop. Either we continue with chemotherapy and hope the masses go down, we preform a surgery to remove what we can and follow with chemotherapy, or we can discuss ending treatment and end of life care." My eyelids are heavy, Camille's words are embedding themselves deep in my brain.

I nod and turn to Carina. She looks just as rough as I do, and I have cancer. Her hair is a mess, her eye bags are prominent, her eyes heavy, she's lost weight. "Can I have a day to think about it?" I ask Dr. James, my voice raspy. "Yes, but the longer you take, the further the cancer grows. I nod, part of me understanding, part of me not wanting to listen.

"What would end of life care entail?" I ask, coughing again. "Well, it depends. Typically You could carry on with life as usual until it's no longer possible, and then we'd assign a hospice nurse to your home, who would take care of you until the end of your life." She says, handing me a  pamphlet.

Carina sets her head in her hands, silently sobbing. We head back home after our meeting, the car ride is silent. She grabs my crutches to help me inside. I wanted crutches instead of a wheelchair, to me it's a little more in control.

"Carina are you angry at me? What's going on?" I say, watching her slam cabinets cleaning the kitchen. "I just don't understand how you could even THINK about stopping treatment." She yells, still not facing me. I take a deep breath before answering, "Carina I didn't mean it in the way that I want to die, I don't. I'm just tired of fighting. I don't feel like I have it in me to keep fighting." I say, sitting down on the couch.

"Maya that's ridiculous. You are such a fighter. You've been through so much to get here, and you just wanna give up because you're tired? I don't get it." She says, throwing her rag and turning to face me. I make eye contact with her, beginning to cry.

"Carina." I say, my heart breaking at her words. She walks over to me, sitting next to me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you, I just don't get it. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at the fucking universe for doing this to you." She says, breaking down in my arms.

I hold her as tight as I can, not quite sure what to do. This is the first time through this whole process that she's let out any emotion other than devastation. "You're the most healthy person I know. We were finally comfortable, we were finally happy and ready to start a family and the universe... fuck." She says between sobs.

"I knew being a firefighter, that it could happen. I have like a 30 percent higher chance, I just never thought it would happen to me." I say, rubbing her back.

"And I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm sick, I'm angry that the chemo is doing nothing, and I'm angry at the world for watching what this is doing to you. You've been here for me the entire way, and I haven't been able to reciprocate it. I'm sorry." I say holding her. "Maya don't apologize" she replies sitting up, she sniffles and wipes the tears from her face.

"Maya I need you to keep fighting. I know you're tired, and that me asking is selfish, but I can't do this without you. I can't lose you." She says, holding my hand. "I want to fight, I'm just terrified. I could die either way, I could die randomly, I could die on the table, I could die in my sleep. I'm terrified of dying, and I've never felt this way before. I used to be comforted by the thought, but now.. with you... I'm terrified." I say, starting to cry myself.

A few moments of silence pass, I take a deep breath and say "I want the surgery. I trust Camille, and I trust my body. I want to do the surgery." I say, convincing myself that's what I want. "You do?" She asks, "I do" I respond.

We head to the hospital the next morning to begin prepping for the surgery. "Captain Bishop, due to the chemotherapy your body is not as strong as it used to be. We might only be able to do a portion of the surgery today, and let you recover, and then finish later. We want to take minimal risk, and this is the best way I could think of to do so." Camille says, Carina nods.

Carina has to sign more forms, as the decision maker if I am incapacitated. "My fellow will be in to prep in a few, and then you'll be escorted to the OR. Any questions?" She says, to which we say no.

She heads out and carina and I spend what could be our last moments together in each others arms. The fellow comes in, preps, and then let's us say our goodbyes. "I love you." I say as I'm escorted to the OR. "I love you, Maya." She replies, tears streaming down her cheeks.