An Interference of Portraits

There are Portraits that argue... and then there are the Blacks

We sat side-by-side on the stairs where I normally sat with my newspaper each morning. We were just slightly too close than was comfortable as we looked up at The Portraits who were being far too inquisitive for my liking. And Sirius and my dad were sniggering way too much and, as a result, either got occasionally elbowed sharply by Remus or by my mum, depending. I ignored them both pointedly.

'Phineas tells me you and your mother helped Harry with the war effort...' Walburga was saying sharply.

'Which Ph—'

She shut me down with a glare and a hurried, 'Phineas N. tells me...'

'That's Phineas N., short for Phineas Nigellus...' I said, pointing to the portrait of the old Headmaster who was actually in his frame at that particular moment. 'That's the other Phineas, otherwise known as Phineas II. He's Phineas N's son and was disowned by his mother for supporting Muggle Rights. I gain immense satisfaction in covering the walls of the Black house with portraits of disowned ancestors. Well, most of them; there are some, like Artemisia, who don't belong on any wall. She was illegitimate with a Muggle father but still turned into one of the most ardent Muggle haters in the family.'

I was learning a lot about the Blacks and their portraits.

'So, is there anyone on these walls not disowned by the family?' Draco asked.

There was a general murmuring and agreement that, out of those who were actually Blacks, all been disowned apart from Walburga, Regulus, and Phineas N. Though Phineas N. suggested he might as well be after helping me during the war.

'And don't you feel better for it,' I said sweetly.

'I certainly think you're a better alternative to that Lord Voldemort,' he mumbled. 'Honestly, fancy attacking Hogwarts School; all those young and innocent charges. It's the actions of a madmen. As Headmaster—'

'Ex- or Retired-Headmaster,' muttered Dorea.

'Deadmaster?' suggested Regulus.

There was a certain amount of cackling, mostly from Sirius and my dad, though Dorea obviously found that hilarious too.

'I probably ought to be disowned too,' said Regulus.

'Or maybe,' said my father, looking down at him with a sympathetic smile, 'the family has been getting it the wrong way around and all of you are the best ones who should have been kept and it's the others who ought to be disowned. Perhaps Harry is starting a collective of the honourable memories of the Ancient and Noble House of Black—a new legacy—'

'James Fleamont Potter,' said Walburga with a deep and terrifying inhalation of breath.

My father was grinning like a madman. So were Sirius and Phineas II. I may or may not have been also.

I grabbed Draco's wrist and pulled him up. 'Time to go,' I said sharply, 'otherwise we'll be here till next Tuesday as they argue amongst themselves like bloody children. Honestly, they're worse than we ever were.'

'Surely that's impossible?'

'We were like fluffy little kittens compared to this lot.'

I pushed open the door on the midway landing.

'Can I make a suggestion?' Draco said, looking around the tidy, finished Study.

'Yeah?' I said.

'Why don't you clear some of the bookshelves and bring them up here and then bring up the books that you know are settled or want to keep? That way you can pinpoint the books that are causing the trouble and get the Ministry involved if necessary. Half of them are probably illegal anyway. Then, if it's not the books, well, you know you're facing an entirely different issue and maybe need to get in a Curse Breaker. Plus, it makes better sense that you have the books in your study, because that's when you're probably going to need them. If you can actually read, that is...'