A note to me

Jugement

I am the one who juges the most, not others but myself. Its bad, unhealthy but I cant help it. The urge to be perfect is so big that Im getting lost in the impossible life you can see on instagram. I still want it, even though I know its not possible to get- ever. 

Am I really enough the way I am? Can people enjoy my company and acually want to be friends with me? Am I lovable and able to be loved for who I am? -probably not, if I cant even love myself.

Should I lose weight? Im trying, but why do I have the feeling that Im weak. Everyone is able to follow a diet but why is it so hard for me? I dont care how many people say "Oh, your body is good the way it is. You have such a good body. ..." because I dont. I dont believe in what they're saying and no one can convince me. The internet is full of acceptance, selflove, body positivity and thats great! I love to see how everybody shares their jurney and starts to love theirself. It just doesnt work for me- I cant seem to just accept me the way I am, I need to change my appearace no matter what. But it doesnt work. 

That gives me the feeling: maybe Im not determined enough to push through. But how do I get it? I just want to look into the mirror and think: youre so pretty, well done. But no matter how much I work and try, I dont feel any better. No, its quite the opposite because I just look at my younger photos and think: you were so skinny, look at you now, how did it happen?

All the other girls are much prettier than me, why would anybody pick me to fall in love with? I have nothing special- not in the inside and not on the outside. No boy or girl would look at me and be like: shes so pretty. Shes so nice. Shes so smart. I want to be like her, or anything like that. Its hard to be appreciated in todays society because all we do is gossip. Nobody makes any compliments because its 'uncool'. Thats a sad thing because instead it goes like: "OMG did you see her new outfit. Shes so pickme; Shes so quiet, loud, nerdy..." Everything you do is being seen as something bad, but how do you grow if you dont change. And how do you get more confident if everyone is just judging you?

I really dont know what to think or do anymore.

Life is complicated, but the thing is you cant seem to get a rest from it. Because theres always something you need to think about, work towards or just try to change. Theres so much pressure that everyones is expecting performance and full power. No time to rest, theres alway a deadline...

The same deadline as my willpower and nerves.  And the results of it are breakdowns, depression, social anxiety or burnouts. Choose what you like...