A note to me

Attraction

Night after night. Day after day.
Everyday, until it stops.
"I'm fine with that. Its not like I need him" -I don't.
Yes, it's about a boy.

But no, I dont like him...

He was the one who initiated it first. Then why am I the one running after him in the end?
Texting every day, going to bed at 4am in the morning just to talk to him. It was like free therapy, because a friendship with a boy is different from a friendship with a girl. Especially this boy. I just naturally trusted him, told him about everything going on in my life. Who would he tell, no one. It was just me and him.
We just had the same vibe, I felt like we were meant to be friends. No, not lovers. This was never my intention.
I normally don't talk to boys, at all!
I've never had any contact with boys, so it felt weird at first, but I'll always remember. I remember the first day we texted clearly in my head: laying in bed, giggling, blushing, sweating and beeing shocked. It was always like that when we texted, it just felt good. I never even thought that I need that, I never thought I need his company.
Until one day everything went wrong. Guess why- because of me, why else?
I overdid it, I'm sorry. I really am.

That's exactly what I told him. Again and again and again. Until I was tired of it. Why do I even care, I don't fucking like him, then why do I think about him so often?
Maybe because he worthshipped me, gave me attention. He appreciated me and everything about me. My passion, my believes and my opinions. Even my silly flaws. Damn never had I someone who made me feel so comfortable. As if I'm okay the way I am. I wasn't embarrassed being strange or something, I never felt like that. Fuck, is this the end?
Once again I catch myself reading our old chats, stop it girl!
He left an empty space, but I'm the reason. Never once have I thought about something more and I still can't picture us in a romantic way, well but I think he did. A border we cant fix.

I remember the way my friends only brought him up in context with me. How they would smirk and give me funny looks, saying we would end up together someday. How I would get worked up and tell them to shut up- they didn't listen.
And now here I am, thinking back about the time, not so long ago. Hoping with all my heart that he also thinks about me once in a while the way I do.

But no, I don't like him...

Or the way, he talks with everyone, except me. When our eyes find each other he looks away quickly and I know exactly that it will never be the same again. But it's not my fault anymore, I swear. At least thats what I like to think. No, I still don't feel guilty  anymore, I fixed it. He said it's fine, I shouldn't worry about that. Haha, funny.

I still don't like you, I never will...