When There is Nothing

2- wasting your emotion

         I can hear the phone ring from my rooms locked door. I sit and stare at my wall again, like I've been doing everyday for a month. I hear the phone ring eight more time. I don't move. My uncle isn't home, he's working all day today so the phone stays unanswered. 

         I hear a car screech and two doors slam shut.  Then there's a frantic knock at our front door.  I don't pay it any mind.  There have been people coming to our trailer and yelling at us.  They've spray painted the whole front of the house with crude words and drawings. My uncle tried to get the police to help but, they hate us too.

         The knocking starts again, more aggressive this time.  I get up so they don't break the door down.  I walk over to the door and see that it's Will and Johnathan. 

        I open the door, "Oh hey," I say gloomily.

        "Why the hell would you leave?" Johnathan says sharply. I look at him confused, why was he so angry about me leaving school.

        "Johnathan," Will whispers while he gives his brother a shove. "Why didn't you tell us you were leaving?" He says this a lot more calmly and more understandably. 

        "I didn't think I needed to," I replied, still not understanding why they were upset.

        "We were driving you home.  We waited and looked around the school for an hour waiting for you before your teachers said you didn't even show up," Johnathan answers, obviously still annoyed. "We even called you, but no answer."

        "Oh..." I had never even thought of that. "There was a lot on my mind, it never occured to me to tell you."

         "Hey, it's okay. We were just worried," Will says, with a smile. "Johnathan can you go and wait in the car for me." He nods and quickly goes to his car.

        "You don't need you to stay. I bet you want to go home." I say to Will.

        He shakes his head, "I want to be here, you need me to be here, to talk." I didn't want to talk. I wanted to disappear into my room and forget this day. Forget this whole year. I'm about to shake my head to protest but he doesn't let me. "You can't say no. You can't do this on your own."

"Yes I can. It's okay."

"You can't. You don't want to act like this forever do you. Push everyone away, hide in your room for the rest of your life. You need our help. This isn't what Eddie would've wanted. He'd want you to move on. Have fun with your life. He didn't die for you to be miserable," he said so sincerely I could've sworn he would start crying.

Although his words were cliché and a little rehearsed, he was right of course. But it's a lot easier said then done. This weight in my chest wasn't going to be lifted by a pat on the back and hugs from friends after a day.

"So? You want to do something to get your mind off things or..." he says.

I nod. He smiles "I've got something in mind," he says.  He leads me to his car. Johnathan sees me scoot into the car and gives Will a annoyed look.

"Home?" He asks Will. Will shakes his head and whispers something to his brother. I raise my eyebrows.

"Hey. It's got to be a secret. Trust me you'll have a blast," I could probably argue the opposite but smile to not disappoint him.

      We drive for about ten minutes. Wills smiling ear to ear.  I can't help but feel better as well. I could tell Will cares so much for me and he's so relieved there's even a possibility i'll feel better.

      The car slows in front of a house I'm not familiar with.  He looks at me expecting me to react.  "What is this, Will?"

       "Oh! You don't know," he says, "even more of a surprise!" Obviously I was overflowing with excitement. He gets out of the car and knocks on the houses white door.  A woman with blonde, poofy hair opens the door. She was familiar but I couldn't pin point why.

      "Hey Will, the boys are downstairs." She says lovingly. Will leads to basement stairs where I her a crash followed by an eruption of laughter.

I look at Will immediately. "Will no," I say I could recognize those laughs anywhere. I didn't want to be anywhere near them.

"You'll be fine," he assures me, "It might help you even... to talk to them and stuff." I close my eyes, taking a deep breath as I contemplate whether or not I should follow Will or bolt out the front door.

I decide to go down the steep, old steps. "Hey Will you ready for...," he stops when he sees me following Will. "Oh! Hey Mila," Dustin says. I give a fake smile.
I see their board game sprawled over the table, spilling over to the floor and chairs surrounding them. Lucas, Mike, and Dustin were all there.

      They all stare at me blankly. Awkwardly. Silence circles the room. I can tell it's suffocating the boys standing in front of me. They can't stand it, and for some reason, it's the only thing in a while that's given me a glimpse of joy. I can handle silence. I can wait them out.

"We're playing some DnD, you can join if you want," Lucas asks, breaking the silence. I look over at Will, giving him a stare that says why did you take me here?

     "She's not playing," Mike says snottily. "It's already set up for just us. We've been planning this for weeks." Weeks. Weeks. They've been planning for weeks. It's only been 4 weeks since everything that happened. How did they get over it so fast.  It's so cruel.  Also... God I hate Mike.

      "I dont want to play," I go to sit down on the bottom of the stairs to wait.  I would make Johnathan take me home but I heard him walk out the door with Nancy. Plus I have a feeling he's starting to get annoyed with me. They all go over to their table and finish setting up their game boards and figurines. Will keeps glancing in over at me with sorry eyes. "I'm getting water," I say quietly to him as I start up the stairs, using any excuse to get away from them.

       I don't make it even half way up the stairs when Dustin announces, "The Evil, Powerful Ellerwall starts his attack on your troop!" They all cheer and talk with each other on how to stop their fictional villain.

     I stop right there, turn around and practically yell,  "What the actual fuck." They immediately snap there necks around and look at me, confused.  Now I don't know much about DnD but Eddie talked on and on to me about his plans and shit about the game.  He had a character that was named Ellerwall, who was not even a villain. They used his figurine and everything. Now maybe my emotions are high right now but it seemed so disturbing to turn their friend, who was brutally murdered, into a villain and laugh and cheer when the succeed in killing him off later.

     "I thought you guys, you out of anyone would understand what I'm feeling. But you guys laugh and joke as if you didn't care about him at all. You are all Pathetic," my voice gets louder and louder with each word causing Mr. Wheeler to peer his head into the basement. "You guys were so close to Eddie. Maybe even closer to him than I was. I guess I was wrong. You guys disgust me."

They stare at me. Then at each other. Then look back at me. As Dustin and Mike look at each other I can see them try to hold in laughter until they break and erupt into cackles. I stand there shocked and my face starts to feel hot and my eyes start to water and all I want to do is collapse on the floor. But instead, I storm up the stairs and straight out the door. Tears running from my cheeks and down my neck. Just like I did before.

AN:: Sorry if the DnD thing isn't how you actually play them game. I have no idea how it works tbh