Tw: suicidal thoughts
April 17, 2023
I really wish i could feel again. Im suicidal again, but what else is new. I've been fighting to stay alive for 12 arduous years, and I really dont know how much more of this I could take. I dont have many friends, so I spend quite a lot of time thinking and talking to myself. I so badly want to meet two people, the child I never was and the adult I'll never be. I'll never know in this universe or even the next what it is to be emotional balanced and to not spend my life in a liminal space of perpetual sorrow, swinging violently between active and passive suicidal ideation. I am just so tired. I have spent the last 12 years living just to die and barely feeling a thing. I don't even remember most of high school. Things are fading in my mind. Other people have triggers that send them into this state, but i quite literally woke up and immediately got the familiar dull crushing pain in my chest while every part of my brain join in chorus "I'm gonna kill myself". If you've read this far and are wondering if im ok, the answer is i unfortunately plan to keep on living. I am in debt and dont have health insurance, so i can't afford therapy. I just distract myself and force myself to keep living for my siblings. Until i can get help im just doomed to be numb.
