Johora

Ch- 2 Break Up

It is another day chatting with my boyfriend when I've had enough and I finally broke up. It's not like I didn't break up with him before however each time I went back to him and we got back together, but not this time, he has really gone too far.

I tolerated so as long as he seemed to look down only on me, but today he said that the reason both my mother and I get beaten by my father must be because of ourselves and that we deserve to be beaten. I have had enough. I was fine as long as he degraded me, but today he brought up my mother in all this, that poor woman whom he doesn't even know or had ever talked to.

He acts like he doesn't know why I'm finally letting go off this toxic and unhealthy relationship, well there are countless reasons, but that negligent guy doesn't even know what he did that ticked off my last straw. And it's not like I'll ever tell him about it myself.

I was feeling drained due to this love, this lonely love where I kept forcing myself to be the way he likes whilst I also go through this constant emotional and mental abuse by my family, these all was killing me from inside. My father is abusive. He beats my mum and so I interfere everytime, naturally diverting all his beatings on myself. I couldn't be away from home and rest for even a minute in terror that one day I'll not be home and something might tick him off and when I return home I'll find my mother beaten to her death by him.

My body couldn't take any more of his abuse when God finally showed me mercy and he kicked us out after beating me. Had he not kicked us outta the house that day I'm sure I would've died by his hands. But I only got to leave because my sick mother supported me, as I was penniless and had nowhere to go. Thanks to God our next door neighbour agreed on letting us stay in his house as tenants despite not giving him any prior notice that we would be moving.

My boyfriend knew that my father was physically and verbally abusive and how we basically had no roof over our head now but he never stood up for me or even gave me a word of comfort that I desperately needed from him. I didn't expect him to fight for me, all I needed was his shoulder to lean on sometimes on the days and nights this misery heartlessly crushed me. That's the thing I needed in my partner. Sadly enough, all I got from him was 'loyalty'. But loyalty without love is literally a dry well without water. What I needed from him was simply love and a bit of emotional support. I was never interested in his wealth contrast to how he is interested in my mortal beauty, he never gave me what I was thirsting for but since he didn't give me what I wanted, I didn't take anything I didn't want either, I never asked him for any gifts or expensive dates unlike those girls he had before me, all I asked from him was to love me. . but what did he do ?

He sugar coated his words and shoved them at me, gave me incredibly sweet lies and I mustered my strength that he had broken and forgave him each time believing he would treat me better which he never did. That he would be kind and warm every time he is with me and not only when he wishes to be. I realised today that I was gravely wrong.

After leaving my dad's house I long stopped sharing everything that happened to me and every mistreatment I went through from my family, after all it wasn't just my dad who mistreated me, there were others too, but I know he doesn't care and would only blame me and say I deserve this instead of providing some kind words or at least giving a try to make me feel better. But he is right, I am solely to blame for the misfortune I owe myself, it was already perhaps written in my fate to bear all this pain even though I myself had no hand in it. But I did have a hand in dating him, and so I should resolve my mistake, hence I broke up.

It hurts, but not from love but from one more additional pain that he left me with. I feel hurt but I know I saved future myself from a worse life that I might had to lead if I continue to be with him. I'm finally free even though I'm hurt. A part of me broke when my dad kicked me out and cut our ties, a part of me broke when my own family relentlessly mistreats me day after day, and again a part of me broke being mistreated and publicly humiliated by my relatives and neighbors because of my family crisis, and I broke again in this bizarre relationship that I ended with him. However, this relationship made me tougher, thanks to his first hand training I've grown more resistant to everyone's taunts and harsh treatments - or maybe I just grew numb.

I finally feel free. I don't regret this break up. I can finally breathe. I thought we were meant to be, but it was only an illusion from my part. Seems like I wasted myself on him instead of my soulmate.