To Carry a Torch | KTH ✅

Chapter 13: Is it My Fault; Is it My Wrong?

Yeona's POV 🦋

Quietly, I roll my suitcase into the apartment, trying not to disturb anyone at this late hour. As I toe off my shoes in the dimly lit entryway, a voice cuts through the darkness, causing me to let out a yelp of surprise, my back stiffening as the sound grinds up my spine.

"I see you've finally made it back," Mother huffs.

"I'm on time," I whisper back. "Remember, I wrote down my expected time of arrival for you and put it with the envelope full of money I left for you to use while I was gone..."

My answer is strategic; I hope mentioning the money will remind her that I've more or less tried to pay her not to give me a hard time.

"Well, I'll have you know the washing machine started acting up again while you were out gallivanting doing God knows what..."

"I wasn't gallivanting, Mother. I was working, and I said I'd pay for a new washer. I just need a little bit more time," I breathe out. My patience is thin after the long plane ride, and her need to cause drama and try to fight the minute I walk in the door is more than exhausting.

"Maybe you need to find another job if you need to make more money. I can't just take care of everything for you every time you decide you need to go on a trip. This better not become a normal occurrence."

"I know. I know," I agree.

My heart hurts, mostly because she is right. I can't take many more of these trips. I need to be here at the end of the day.

"Good," she grumbles. "You seem to be forgetting who you are while working at this new company. They think you are special because they haven't seen how you tend to really mess things up..and Yeona, you will mess up. Get out before you make a fool out of yourself yet again. Have an ounce of dignity."

She wins. I'm worn down from the flight, exhaustion leaving me vulnerable. Her verbal assault has the desired effect. It breaks me; as I begin weeping, all the cracks I try so hard to hide reveal themselves all at once, and I'm devastated. As I hang my coat, I hear her huff, practically feeling her roll her eyes at me through the darkness.

"You're being dramatic, Yeona. You don't get to cry when I've been taking care of everything around here this week. Stop being so fucking selfish all the time," she complains and walks away.

I tiptoe into the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind me, and sink onto the floor. It's the only place in the apartment I can get a moment of privacy. Her words cut through me tonight, even though she has been saying different versions of this sentiment to me since I was a child. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I'm never good enough. Not when I found a way to go to college on my own. Not when I tried to fix all my mistakes, not when I got this fantastic job. Nothing I do is ever right, and I don't know how much more I can take of the constant berating.

I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I'm only human.

💜

The company was kind enough to give us the next day off to deal with jetlag and recover, but I decided to keep that tidbit of information to myself and left the apartment in the morning as if I was going to work like I normally do.

After a train ride and a long walk from the station, I arrive at my destination. Walking through a vestibule and then a set of glass doors, I approach the front desk, where I find Ari, "Yeona! How are you? Namjoon couldn't stop singing your praises last night. He is so thrilled about the shoot!"

"That is so nice..." I try to say, but I end up choking on my words.

"Oh my gosh, Yeona. Are you okay? How can I help you?" she says immediately as she recognizes the distress in my voice. I feel my cheeks redden, it's so embarrassing having her see me like this after only briefly meeting once before, but I can't help myself.

"Um, I'm not sure if you can. I don't have an appointment...ummm...but Lily said I could come by to see her any time..."

"Hang on one second, don't go anywhere. Everything is going to be okay," she utters while tapping away on her keyboard. "I just messaged her; she's thrilled you are here. Come on; I'll show you the way."

I follow Ari back to Lily's studio. When she opens the door, I'm a little nervous when I find Yoongi sitting with Lily at a huge computer workstation, keyboards and musical instruments flanking each side of the elaborate setup. It hits me how major Lily really is in her field.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't know you had Yoongi here. I can come back another time," I utter, embarrassed the heat rising up through my body.

This was a mistake. I need to get out of here...

"Nonsense, we are all family here. Come in, come in," she smiles, and Yoongi nods from behind her and gives a little reaffirming wave.

"You're in good hands here," Ari whispers to me before exiting, closing the door behind her with a soft click, and I'm left standing in awe of Lily's studio. It's incredible to me that this woman has built this business from the ground up. She really has her shit together, and suddenly a new-found insecurity about coming here overwhelms me.

"I'm so glad you stopped by! Want to hear a sneak peek of one of the new songs Tae and I wrote together while you were away?" she says excitedly. Usually, it takes months, but this came out so organically -it's amazing!"

"I...uh...I..." I stutter.

Lily stops in her tracks and swings around to look me in the eyes. "Oh no, you are not okay..." she utters as she stands up and approaches me quickly.

Before I know what is happening, she's engulfed me in a motherly hug, and I don't know what has come over me. I just start crying, "You're right," I begin to sob. "I'm not okay."

Lily somehow keeps me folded in her arms while maneuvering us over to the comfy sofa that's nestled up against the wall, never letting me go. I feel like a fool while the floodgates unleash, and I cry in this virtual stranger's arms like I've never cried before.

"It's okay," she says as she hooks a finger under my chin and tilts my head up enough so our eyes meet. "Yeona. I told you I'd be here if you needed a rescue. Tell me everything...."

"I'm so embarrassed..." I stutter between sobs.

"You don't have to be embarrassed," Yoongi's deep voice cuts in over my sobs. "We're here to listen and help." His words fall upon my ears as he sets a box of tissue on the coffee table in front of me. "In fact, I'm going to go get you ladies some hot tea, and I'll be back."

He casts a gentle smile at me, and I can't help but feel my embarrassment continue to grow due to their kindness; it causes my body to shudder uncontrollably. "I shouldn't have come here and disturbed your time..." I say as I start to stand up.

I need to run away. I can't do this...I can't do this...

Lily grabs my hand and gently tugs me back down. "No, no, Sweetheart. You have been holding yourself together all by yourself for far too long; you are so strong! But it's time for you to unburden your heart and tell me everything. Nobody needs to be this strong..."

"Why are you being so kind to me," I cry.

Outside of Tae, I have never encountered someone being so kind to me, and it's breaking me into a million pieces as I wonder how a virtual stranger treats me better than my own mother.

"Because I used to be you," she says as she pats my hand.