controlling the marionette

Chapter One

The first time it happened, Mafuyu was with her bandmates.

Kanade had received tickets from a friend who couldn't go, so they all decided to visit the doll exhibit together.

But her mother was a little less than pleased.

"It's fine to go to the art museum, but dolls? Hm...well, since your friends asked you so nicely, you should go. But next time, let's go see the emotionally enriching paintings of Vermeer and Monet! Those are my favorites."

Mafuyu looked down despondently and defaulted to her automatic response. "Yes, Mother. Goodbye."

She exited from the front door and stared directly at the bright sun. It contrasted deeply from her empty soul. She felt like the floating clouds in the sky, detached and floating away from the rest of the world.

Is this how lonely you always feel? She closed her eyes dispiritedly, wishing she could be up there with them. She wanted to be there, with them, free from the pressure on her shoulders, the heavy burdens she carried all her life. She wanted to escape the dark torture and agony of this world. She wanted to disappear forever. What was keeping her here, anyways? She had neither goals nor emotions, and all she did was create trouble for other people.

Other people...like Kanade. Who had taken it upon herself to compose relentlessly for her sake, even though she had impediments of her own to deal with.

But Mafuyu didn't have time to think about Kanade. Not right now, when she was falling down her own rabbit hole. She was done pretending like she cared. She was done acting complacent. She was finished with keeping her "perfect and obedient girl" image.

So why couldn't she end it? Why couldn't she yell at everyone, telling them to stop? Why couldn't she shout at her mother that she hated it, she didn't want to, she wasn't ever going to? She could end her image and then end her life, disappearing forever.

Why couldn't she?

Was it because of Kanade's compositions? But they didn't reach her...fully, at least. But was the tiny part of her that longed for her talented friend's music enough for her to stop the dark void she fell into long ago? Was it really that impactful?

Maybe someday, she would understand. But for now, even though she desperately wanted to vanish, she would stay. If nothing else, than for her bandmates. For Kanade, who was trying her hardest to "save" her.

"Did I come too early?" Kanade asked.

"Oh...Kanade. Are you alone?"

"Yes, Ena and Mizuki aren't here yet."

"I see."

An awkward silence settled between them. The chasm between them had never felt larger. Kanade tried an attempt at mending it and said, "Um...so..."

Thankfully, Mizuki and Ena arrived together, saving them from their uncomfortable situation. They chatted for a bit before finally entering the exhibit.

Mizuki was busy fawning over the designs of the dresses on the dolls, and Ena was amazed by the amount of space in the art exhibit.

That was when Mafuyu saw it.

The sorrowful doll, pale eyes closed and ragged blonde hair straying out in different directions. Hands trapped in the same position forever, cut by the thorns of the roses surrounding it until the end of time. It looked different from the others, somehow. 

That was when she realized that it was being held up by strings. It was a marionette. Forever controlled by its puppet master, unable to have a free will. Unable to even desire anything. Only a slave to its master.

And it spoke to her.

Mafuyu almost screamed, but bit her lip hard enough for it to bleed to avoid it. But unluckily, Kanade noticed her inner turmoil.

She asked in concern, "What's wrong, Mafuyu? You're looking really pale."

Her dull eyes shook as she stared at the marionette in disgust one last time. She gasped huge breaths of air and managed to get out, "I'm going to the washroom," before running away.

She ran into the bathroom and locked herself in a stall, almost falling to the floor immediately. It was just so...cruel. So heinous. So inhumane. How could they attach a doll to strings? She hadn't thought about it before, but the marionette...it couldn't escape the torture it went through everyday. It had no freedom. It never enjoyed anything. It didn't have any goals of its own. Wasn't it—wasn't the marionette...just like—

She quickly shoved a hand over her mouth and leaned in front of the toilet. She wasn't going to throw up, she wasn't going to throw up—

A little bit of bile crept up her throat, but she swallowed it back down. Quickly, she pulled her phone out and clicked it absentmindedly until she came across the song Kanade had composed for her that day. The day she saved her from staying in the Empty Sekai forever.

She played it and sighed in relief almost immediately. The feeling of her about to be sick was still lingering, but she no longer felt the immediate urge to empty her stomach. One again, Kanade's songs reached her—but is wasn't enough. It was never enough. It won't ever be enough.

Nothing could ever fully save her from her imprisonment, just like nothing could rescue the marionette doll.