Christophers death

Chapter 4

The next day I spotted him in the cafeteria, but he was sitting with his lacrosse friends who certainly didn't like me, so I went to eat outside, alone. This continued for the rest of the week. Of course, he told me that he needed a little time off but what I didn't think was that he would be ignoring me completely. It made me feel so incredibly miserable. Why didn't I just say yes from the beginning? Why did I always make things complicated? It just wasn't fair. I loved him more than anything and I had ruined it for us both. Now he didn't even talk to me or pass me any notes. Neither in chemistry, maths, nor physics. Normally he would at least pass me one. I guess I have just ruined it. Now it was too late. I would have to live without Christopher for the rest of my life.

On Saturday, 3 days after the kiss, I sat outside eating my lunch. Christopher still didn't talk to me. I think I really blew all my chances with him. I felt a lump forming in my chest as I thought about how hurt he looked. I never wanted to hurt him, not like this. He deserved so much better. Tears began to fill my eyes. He would never forgive me. I didn't deserve his forgiveness anyway. Not after what I had done to him. I looked up into the sky part trying not to cry part wondering if he would ever talk to me again. He probably wouldn't. He had every right to be mad at me. I sighed and began to separate my food. Maybe I should go and talk to him. I should show him that I was a good friend despite everything. I would help him through this. I would never let him down like that again. I would never hurt him again. I would never... It was then and there when I remembered that he said that he needed a break from me. I couldn't just go up to him and say that I was sorry and beg for his forgiveness. He would just leave. Letting me stand there like a total idiot. I really fucked up this time. I took a deep breath and tried not to think about Christopher, which was impossible. Everything I saw reminded me of him. The trees, under whom we spent our afternoons, the school building where we had spent lazy Sunday mornings playing chess, and my right side where I always expected him to be. Accept that he wasn't. He was probably sitting with his lacrosse friends again laughing about jokes he told me first or talking about girls they liked. He wasn't there for me any longer and maybe it was for the best that he and I stopped talking. We weren't allowed to be in a relationship anyways, and I knew that I could never stop loving him when he was still around. I loved him so much, but this couldn't continue. We just weren't meant to be. We were both men after all. We could both land in prison. It was so unfair. Why wasn't I allowed to find my happiness in the person I loved the most just because he was a man? This whole policy was unnecessary. We didn't hurt anyone with being in a committed relationship. So why was it forbidden? Why did we receive so much hate? Why did we get thrown into prison for things we couldn't control? He was right. I didn't want to get married to a woman or to anyone. Yet I had to in order to not draw attention to myself because otherwise I would end up as an unmarried loner who didn't achieve anything in his meagre live. After all I was a failure. Everyone told me that I was one. Everyone but him. He always helped me when I felt down or needed help with my English essays. He was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He was always there when the bully's made fun of me or worse. He always defended me before it was too late. What was I supposed to do without him? I shovelled a forkful of peas into my mouth, though I wasn't hungry. I knew that I had to eat otherwise I would collapse during whatever it was I was going to do today, because I surely wouldn't spend the entire day in the school thinking about what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. As I thought about what the bloody hell, I was going to do today to stop all this thinking, a shadow fell on my plate. Half expecting to see Christopher I looked up. Worse mistake. It wasn't him. Of course, it wasn't him. It was never him. It was Harrison. He smirked. "See what we have here." He said mockingly. I should have stood up and left but I was rooted to the spot, my heart racing in fear. His eyes sparkled wickedly. I quickly looked away. "Where is your p-p-precious Christopher? Did he break up with you?" I didn't react. I couldn't. His hands were in his trouser pockets. That was a good sign. "Look at me when I talk to you faggot!" I was close to tears. "Why would I do that?" I should have kept my mouth shut. Suddenly I felt an indescribable pain in my left shoulder, and I landed on my back. He had kicked me. I could see his smile widen when my face cramped in pain. This was exact the same reaction he wanted. I crouched myself together when he began to kick me in my ribs, my stomach, my legs, my hips, then my shoulder again. I laid there crying for someone to help. Nobody heard me. The last thing I remember was me shouting for Chris. Normally Christopher would have helped me but he surely wouldn't after the incident 3 days ago. My shoulder throbbed with pain. He would have helped me out there. He would have scared Harrison away. But he wasn't there. He wouldn't help me. I still shouted his name over and over again, wet races running down my face. Maybe he would hear me eventually. Maybe he would help me because he still has a bit of sympathy left for me, since no one else had. He wouldn't just leave me here if he saw Harrison nearly kicking me to death. More tears ran down my face when I noticed that Christopher wouldn't come and save me. I was doomed. I felt myself getting weaker and weaker, the pain filling my whole body. I could only whisper Christophers name in the pain of my body. Everything began to blur. My sight and the pain. Then the world went dark.