Just Jack

Part Two: Chapter Twenty: Just Chris (I)

Chapter Twenty

Just Chris (I)

- Chris -

     Where do you see yourself five years from now, Chris? Its a question we get asked a lot, especially in high school. Back then, I probably would have said one of the generic answers. You know something like college or finding a cure for cancer. Maybe even fighting for world peace, who knows? But, I never was certain of where I was going to be in five years, or in fact, who I was going to be. Who is certain? I didn't think everything happened for a reason back then. I thought I could change things, the past – me. It took my death to realize that yes, everything does in-fact happen for a reason. And whats done, is most certainly done.

     Jack is behind me, floating on his board. There's no waves ahead of us, just a calm sea. An almost grey sun floats weightlessly in the sky above us. It provides no warmth today. My bare chest breaks out in a wave of goosebumps as a piercingly cold breeze picks up and travels along my skin. My heart begins to race because I know it has to happen today. I can't go back. The mornings events flash through my head. I hear the echoes of my mothers cries, her screams. I feel his fist against my head, smell his alcohol stained breath. She was lying on the ground, covering her own bloodied face when he struck me. She promised me a week ago that it would never happen again. She never kept her promises.

     “Do you ever feel like getting away?” I ask, turning my head around to see Jack. Jack Thorne, my true best friend out of a group of backstabbers, cheerleaders and jocks. Never once has he let me down. I already feel ashamed and guilty for what I am about to put him through. One day he will hopefully understand. One day. He pats his palm on the cold water a few times, considering the question – clears his throat.

     “Yeah, of course. Who doesn't?” He replies, squinting as the sun grows a bit brighter. If anyone ever had an excuse to run away, to start afresh like I plan to, it would be Jack. I can still see that he grieves for his father and I know he blames himself, no matter how much I tried to convince him that it wasn't his fault. I return my gaze back to the vast ocean in front of me and it reminds me that there is a world outside of Bridge Bay.

     The wave that will change my life begins to pick up in the distance. Its getting closer and closer, but I still have a few minutes before it reaches me. I brace myself on my board. This has to be flawless. The nights I spent in my room planning this will hopefully pay off. I turn to Jack to just look at him, to admire him. Will I ever get to see him again, to talk to him, to laugh with him? In this very moment, because of Jack Thorne, I want to change my mind. I want to ride this wave with him like we always do. But there can't be a one-last-wave moment. This might be my only shot. And besides, having that moment will crush him in his future grieving moments.

     It finally reaches us, only a few meters out now. Jack smiles and prepares for its contact, as do I – sans the smile. It hits us hard. Instinctively, I go to stand up but instead, I let the water engulf me and I let go of my board, reluctantly. Its like letting go of my old life. I can see Jack as he surfs the wave in the opposite direction, so I use this time to swim away, underwater. I know when he is done and when he sees my board floating along the water with no Chris attached to it, he will look underwater for my body. But I won't be there. Lost at sea, they will say.

     I'm almost at the rocks when I decide to come up for much needed air. My head comes out of the water just as Jack begins to scream my name in the distance. My heart crushes yet I can still hear its beat, thumping in my ears. I would give anything to just call back to him, to relieve him of the imminent pain he is about to feel. But I don't. I quietly swim over to the rocks and pull myself out of the water, allow a few seconds to drain. My backpack full with the essentials is nestled between two rocks here. I plotted it this morning. I go over to it, unpack my towel and clothes and begin to dry off and change. I don't even care about the sand on my feet when I pull on a pair of socks. I have no time to care.