The Lestrange behind it all {M.R.}

𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚗

𝙱𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚎 𝙻𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎

They allowed us to walk around the castle, not that we'd get lost. Most of us - except our spouses - came here for years.

I haven't missed a place as much as I did while walking through the halls of Hogwarts. It was torture reliving every place I saw Alex, but a part of me loved seeing memories of him.

I felt guilty. I didn't even go to Alex's funeral. His father threw him a pity one, and it had my blood boiling. Closed casket without a picture up. Sure, I was there for barely two minutes before I left. I had my own pity party in my room.

Now I wondered if I would have gotten more closure if I had stayed. It was hard thinking about it sometimes.

"Hey..."

I turned around, seeing Pansy smile weakly. "Hi," I said, before looking back down at my old bed. "It seems smaller than I remembered."

She giggled. "It does, doesn't it?" She stepped beside me, hooking her arm in mine. "You alright?"

"Mhm," I lied. I wasn't fine. This place felt like it's walls were crushing my chest into dust pieces.

"We were thinking on going to Hogsmeade," she said, and I giggled lightly. It was as if we were sixteen all over again. "Coming?"

With a smile I nodded.

We made our way out of the ancient dormitories, before down the stairs and out of the old common room. Most of it still looked the same. Same couches, and fireplace. Maybe the carpet was different...

The others waited for us, and we were out of the castle not so long after. It turned out that we weren't the only ones going to Hogsmeade. Not so far behind us were the perfect fucking golden trio, plus Ginny Dear. Turns out Hermione and Ron finally got married and had children.

We fell apart after what happened. A lot happened the year after the fight. I was no longer friends with Ginny and Hermione. Harry and I became cold hearted against each other again. Ron and I never returned to our late night jokes. I really did lose everyone. Draco and I never became friends again. Fights broke out constantly between us, and words I never regretted flew in the air. Astoria had survived. She wasn't dead but only paralyzed temporarily. Once we killed Pansy's parents, she unfroze, and we found her back at Hogwarts. Still, we were absent in each other's lives for a majority of our last year. Pansy and I remained close. We stayed inseparable. Along with Cael, of course. We become some troubling trio - especially in McGonagall's office for fighting.

"A butterbeer," Pansy said, snapping me out of my haze. I looked up at the waitress, before she walked away.

"What?" I asked, leaning closer to Pansy.

She laughed lightly. "I ordered you a butterbeer. You alright?"

I sighed, adjusting in my seat, while seeing the trio in the corner of the bar. "Yeah. They're just eagles..."

Draco and Cael looked behind them at the group, who quickly looked away. Then Cael sighed, turning back to us. Draco scoffed.

"Of course they are. Some things never change," he commented.

Pansy kicked him underneath the table, and he grunted. "Not that we weren't like that for six years. We were worse to be honest. They have Riddle to stalk, we were just nosy."

"Of course you were," I smiled softly.

Pansy giggled, before pulling on my arm. "Smoke?"

"Mhm," I nodded.

We got up and moved to the same old smoke corner in the back. We were alone for once. She lit her cigarette, and passed me the lighter. I lit my own before taking a well deserved deep drag. I exhaled, while leaning back against the old grainy bricked wall, resting my head back. Pansy stood in front of me, frowning.

"How long?"

I frowned, looking at her. "What?"

She chuckled lightly. "There was no reaction out of you when you saw Mattheo - for what we thought was the first time - laye last night at the train station. Not even a care in the world. How long have you known he was alive? Weeks? Months? Years?"

"New York," I said, flicking the ash off of my cigarette. "The day I could take your car to the hotel when you and Draco when ring size shopping or whatever."

She scoffed, clear disbelief in her eyes. "How?" she asked, taking a drag of her cigarette.

"He pulled me into his bar in that stupid alleyway," I said while exhaling smoke. "I didn't believe it myself, but it was too real to deny. Fuck part of me wishes he really wasn't alive right now. I really wish he stayed fucking dead."

"And Kyle?"

"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "I really don't fucking know, Nancy. My entire fucking world is being spinned and I don't know where to grab for safety."

I wasn't lying. My safety railings were loose, and I was holding on for dear life.

She exhaled her last bit of smoke and dropped her cigarette to the floor, stepping on it. "You love them both, don't you?"

I stared up at the blue sky, while smoke filled it from the chimneys. I sighed. "Yes," I lied, but she didn't know that.

She nodded, before leaving me without a word. I stood outside alone, a cigarette between my fingers, and a pounding in my heart.

No, I didn't love Kyle. I never did and never would. Mattheo was a different story. I'm not sure if I loved him or loved the old him. He was different. He was a cold hearted killer who broke into my apartment. My Mattheo was so sweet, even if he was a dick. This Mattheo wasn't mine. This Mattheo was someone else. But could I love this Mattheo and find mine in there? Or did he kill my Matty?

I would figure it out one way or another. Whether it killed me or not.

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