The Lestrange behind it all {M.R.}

𝚏𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚗

𝙱𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚎 𝙻𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎

1998 - seventh year

"Tell us how!" I begged Astoria. She was crying just as much as Pansy and I. We thought she was dead, but she wasn't.

"Aurors found me," she explained between sobs. "I just laid there. Pancy's father had paralyzed me. I swear, I tried to tell you!"

Draco help onto her for dear life. He placed kisses on her head, his arms squeezing her with every thought of possibly losing her again.

"It's okay," he told her. "You're okay now."

"I can't," I sobbed, forcing myself off of the bed. Pancy tried grabbing my arm, but I wouldn't let her.

I stormed out of our dorm and out of the common room. Before I knew it, I sat in the pitch black courtyard, my knees to my chest, while looking out, over the fields. I felt hurt knowing that she survived, but Alex didn't. Mattheo didn't. It hurt. I loved Astoria, but why couldn't they have also survived?

I can't exactly remember how long I sat there, but the stars had long started decorating the sky, and McGonagall had passed me ages ago. She let me sit. The tears have dried, and my emotions have oldened out.

It was hard being back at Hogwarts. When I agreed to come back, I was aware of how hard it's be to survive this year, but I had to.

"Belle, right?"

I looked up, seeing the new homeschooled kid stand beside me on the staircase. I nodded.

"I'm Cael. I saw you run out of the common room earlier. Wondered why you've been gone for about two hours now..."

I sighed. "Yeah. I've just got some things ion my mind."

"May I?" he asked, gesturing beside me.

I nodded, and Cael sat down. He sat with spread legs, but still kept distance between us.

We sat in silence for at least thirty minutes. Then he decided to start asking me stupid questions. Things about my favourite subjects, then the teachers. It switched over to the children, then the food. After a while we just started talking about nonsense. Habits and songs, movies and snacks. I couldn't help but laugh at him.

Soon Cael and I became inseparable. We'd torment the first years together, and skip classes to smoke. He became my new Alex.

~

"Lee!"

I turned around, seeing Ginny sprint my way. I excused Cael, and he walked ahead of me to quidditch practice, while I waited for her to catch up to me. I smiled as she reached.

"Hi," I smiled.

"Can we talk?" she asked, and I saw concern on her face.

"Yeah, of course."

She sighed, and guilt filled her. "Look I'm just a bit worried. You seem quite... better?"

"Of course," I smiled. "I feel better."

"Isn't it a bit quick?" she said, and I frowned.

"What?"

"It's only been a couple of months and you're moving on. Don't you think you're using Cael as a rebound to deal with your guilt?" she suggested.

What the hell? "No," I said bluntly. "Cael and I aren't like that, Ginny. I don't want to date him, if that's what you're coming at."

She sighed. "You're just awfully close, you know..."

"The fuck?" I chuckled. "Why would you care, Gin? Why would you suddenly know what's best for me?"

Ginny looked like she felt bad, but she didn't pull back. "I'm just saying, Lee. You look too perfectly fine to actually be fine, alright? You look unwell..."

"I'm fine!" I protested. "And It's not up to you to baby me. I don't need someone to take care of me."

"I'm just trying to be there for you, Lee. Everything you went through-"

"Look," I said, lifting my hand to avoid her stepping closer to me. "I can take care of myself. Go care about your fucking boyfriend, and stop choosing who I can or can't be friends with. Got it?"

I turned around and walked further to practice.

She had some nerves telling me what I was or wasn't doing. Was it that bad that I tried living a normal life? Was it that bad?

~

My fight with Ginny had escalated over the course of a month. We started fighting a lot more often, and it was as if we returned to the cold hearted people we were before. We had a few physical fights that had us on a high chance of suspension. Harry and Ron became distant again, and I didn't seem to care. Hermione and I barely spoke anymore, but it wasn't as if we were strangers.

Laying in our dorm bath, I felt my breath heavy under the steaming water. My head flushed with everything again.

I suddenly felt guilty with forgetting and moving on. Of course I didn't forget about Mattheo and Alex, but I didn't look like someone who lost the two most important people in her life.

The water against my chest felt heavy, and all I wanted to do was sink into the water. I slid down the bath back, and the water covered my head. I opened my eyes, looking at the wavy ceiling of the bathroom.

The image of Mattheo appeared in my mind. I had never told him I loved him before he died. I had sobbed night after night after his body was taken away from me by Aurors, but that never helped. I hated myself for never telling Mattheo how much he meant to me. I hated myself for being mad at him before.

I hated myself.

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