How to save a life

10

A/N: you would feel this chapter more if you listened to 'How to Save a Life' by fray. Maybe...

The thing about grief is you have no idea how to handle it. You can go to all the schools you want, play all the games you can and listen to all the stories you want. None of them would ever tell you what it feels like when your world comes crashing down. None of them will probably tell you that it is okay to fall apart sometimes. That's the thing you see. When you are not prepared for something traumatizing, your body tries to shield you, and your brain shuts off. No amount of soothing can work. Right now, you and Dazai were sitting at the small dining table watching Aaron's wife process what they just told her. Dazai wasn't someone who beat around the bushes. He jumped straight to the point and told her she was a widow. You wanted to be a little more gentle about it.

"So, who killed him?" Aaron's wife, Sakura, asked.

Right. Here's something people assume. They say there are five stages to grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It doesn't have to come in the same order, and it may come differently too. Some stages are hard to pass by, the others are relatively easy. It depends on the individual. If someone could have told us that the stages of grief are like train stations, and we have to take the ticket to the last station, it would have been better. Perhaps it would have been better. It would have been a nice ride, looking out of the windows, waiting for the next station to come by. But that's the thing you see. When you look out of the window, you are bound to face the thoughts in your head. The words in your head help you perceive the nature in front of you. In other words, you see what you think of. And there it comes. The anger, the denial. The questions make your head feel heavy and make your body go limp. You face those questions. But questions need answers. You look around, bargaining for answers. Make deals with your faith, and integrity. Tell yourself that you would be kinder to yourself if you could do something that is beyond your imagination. You question your limits and push yourself to an extent that you hurt yourself. No one but the person dealing with the pain will know what it feels like to get hurt. No one but them will know the weight of the questions. And they would never let anyone know the weight the answers carry.

"The Bloody Mary did."

You were quick to answer. Or rather, you were afraid of what would roll off Dazai's tongue. It wasn't that you did not want him to speak. You didn't want to inflict any pain on Sakura. At least not anymore. She had enough on her plate already. Dazai's eyes widened slightly when he understood what you were doing. He wasn't oblivious to it. But he never saw this one coming. You shifted uneasily under the gazes of Dazai and Sakura. Dazai's held pure bewilderment while 

Sakura's... Sakura's was pain. Pain and... anger. Unfathomable anger.

If looks would've killed, you would've probably died. Or maybe not. Your ability would not let you, and even if your ability were stripped off you, Mori would not. If only looks could kill, Sakura would have killed you. And then aptly title your death, 'the beheading of the messenger'. If only she knew it wasn't the messenger bringing the message. It was the queen bringing the message. However, she chose to end the battle of staring before it even began. She mumbled something about making something before she got up. That left you and Dazai in the room. A silent conversation of sorts was exchanged. The one where you asked him to keep quiet and he disagreed with you. The conversation had to end when Sakura stepped back into the room with a few biscuits and some tea in her hand.

"Uh- you did not have to do that. We just came to deliver a message," you said.

"Oh, don't worry. It doesn't take much time." Sakura replied. You looked at the tea she had made. It was warm. Warm enough to drive the chilly morning winds out. Not warm enough to light up the darkness in your heart. The biscuits weren't special either. They were plain, caramel-flavoured to top it off with sea salt. Dazai always complained about how 'unconventional' the flavour was. You could've sworn he made a face when he tasted them. His soft-boy features lingered around for a few more minutes before he came around. And while they did, you relished them. The way he bit the biscuit and made a face of pure annoyance. The way the crumbles stuck around his lower lip and how he tried to pull them into his mouth using his tongue. And when he failed, he pulled his lip into his mouth and ferociously cleaned it up. The way he washed the flavour of the biscuit with the tea and sighed a satisfactory sigh. This man's influence on your heart levels was painfully obvious. He knew what you were looking at him and hence took the opportunity to make some erotic moves. Rolling your eyes at his antics, you turned to look at Sakura. She was no longer angry. She looked guilty. And, that was an absolute kick to your gut. What she said later felt like a knife stab.