Twisted Truth

Chapter Forty Two

ADDIE

Do you ever think how crazy it is that the person that gave you life and half of your genetics could be a complete stranger. Your body was made up of half of them but you could literally walk past them in the middle of the street and never know they were your parent. They are the reason you are alive but whether they didn't want or know about you, you wouldn't be able to tell. A part of me feels like you should know or at least have a feeling, I mean they are the reason you are on this planet. The whole concept has me lost for words. I have spent the last twenty three year of my life thinking I was the offspring of a monster only to be told that wasn't the case. My whole life was a lie and could've been avoid if my parents had just made a different choice, a better choice. 

Now that I'm sitting in front of my father, I can honestly say if I was to see him in on outside setting I wouldn't bat an eyelid. The man who fathered me is completely unknown to me yet here he is, sitting only 5 feet away drinking his coffee. He is sitting there all calm and collected while I'm a nervous wreck. I keep wringing my hands, a nervous trait I have and the urge to have a drink is nearly all consuming. 

I hate that every time something hard or unexpected happens my first thought is to drink, the shame it brings has the  self-loathing coming out in waves. It's one of the many things that I hate about myself and the reason behind it is partly due to the man sitting in front of me. The choices and decision he made allowed a monster to completely destroy not only my childhood but rip apart my adult life as well. Liam knew the type of man he was leaving his daughter with, he didn't fight for me. The one person who could've changed my life, the one person who was supposed to keep me safe, didn't. He turned his back on me when I needed him the most and while I'm glad he is here now, the feelings of resentment are still there. The twinge of jealously I get sometimes when I look at paddy and think about how nice his childhood must've been. It's hard, its hard to look at this man and think about how life could've been. 

A warm hand enclosing mine has me coming out of my head, shifting my gaze to Rocco I smile slightly letting him know I'm okay. It was decided that during my initial meeting with Liam that Rocco would be with me. Both Paddy and Daniel had a fit, both wanting to be able to be in on the first meeting but I said no. I didn't want the pressure of either of them being there but I also didn't want to do it alone. Rocco is my person and he is fully on my team, a silent supporter if you will. Now, that's not to say my brother's aren't on my side either but this man is also Paddy's father and Daniel, well we all know he has anger issues. I needed someone who could remain neutral while also being an emotional support for me. Rocco was a no brainer.   

"It's great to finally be able to meet you." Liam breaks the silence. For a man being in his late fifties he doesn't look it, the only few tell tale signs would be the wrinkles around his eyes and the grey bread he is sporting. Paddy resembles him slightly but the longer I look at him the more I can see similarities between us. Not many mind you, I still could be my mother's twin but our noses are the same and what I smile I also have dimples in my cheeks. They aren't strong but they are there. 

Looking into his eyes I can almost see a past that I should've had. Christmas's and birthdays that would have ended with smiles rather than horrific screams and pleads. A dad that would have tucked me in at night and been the one to scare away my nightmares, rather than be the main character of those nightmares. If he had been my dad I wouldn't be a shell of myself, a girl who relies on drugs and alcohol to be able to function. A girl who has thought so low of herself that ending her life felt like the only option. 

No.

"I can't do this." The words I was supposed to say in my head blurt out and the smile that is gracing Liam's face drops.