Always and Forever

5

Then

"Outside?" Matthew Lawrence sighed at the quiet voice near his elbow, his head tilting to look at the little 4-year-old girl who sat by his feet. Her small hands held an apple with tiny nibbles taken from it, juice dribbling from her chin. She had been quietly sitting on the floor while he typed away his latest report. But silence wasn't something the child was capable of keeping, there was always something she wanted to ask, something to question about her home or the outside world. She was curious and always wanted to know more.

Unfortunately, he wasn't very interested in what she had to ask and would most of the time walk away from her. This time however her eyes caught his attention. For some reason her soft chubby cheeks made him want to pinch them. For the first time in a while, he recognised the little girl before him as his daughter. His face softened as he watched her wipe her mouth on her white sleeve, her eyes going wide when she saw the slight mark it made on her clothes. Her mother was strict about getting dirty; as a 4-year-old, she was already aware that dirt is bad. Matthew pulled a tissue from the box on the table and leaned down taking her wrist between his fingers. She watched in rapt attention as he blotted her sleeve and made the area look less shiny then it was.

"Dirty." She whimpered and the man sighed knowing she was going to start stressing and wouldn't let him get back to work. He quickly saved his report and stood up making the girl copy his movement, stretch and all.

"Lets go get you changed." He mumbled and walked out of the room. His thoughts going to his wife and wondering what story she was going to come up with while talking in the meeting. She was always good at making up lies to buy them more time. And they needed that time, desperately. A little huff caught his attention and he looked over his shoulder seeing the little girl rushing to catch up with him. Her padded socks slapping against the floor as she rushed to catch up without making a noise or complaint. She was so focused on trying to catch up that she didn't notice when he had stopped making her bump into the back of his legs and fall to the ground. She pouted.

"Sorry." He mentally applauded himself with the way she spoke, so clearly for her age, no mumbles. He watched her help herself up and look at him expectantly, he watched the way her eyes flickered to his hand multiple times and the way she lifted her small hand up. Like she wanted... she wanted to.

He rolled his eyes shaking his head and making sure he shoved his hands into his pockets. She was not holding his hand with her sticky little kid ones. He heard the small sigh behind him but didn't turn to reassure her.

"Hurry up." Her little pattering of feet as her steps hit the floor made him want to smile. Such a small creature making so much noise. Something else he would have to train out of her. He opened the door to her attic bedroom and watched her go straight to her bathroom. His eyes followed her and he watched her almost robotic movements. Grabbing her stool, stepping onto it, looking at her face with a frown in the mirror, her hands going to the soap and quickly washing her face.

Matthew went through her drawers and picked out a new set of pyjamas. A little penguin onesie that he had never seen before. He never bought her her clothes nor did he ever really buy her anything. He held it up unsure of whether or not its the best thing for her to wear. Did kids have to wear something specific to bed.

"Would you like me to dress her sir?" A soft voice asked from the doorway. Sophia was one of the first people he employed. She was a friend of his, someone who he grew up with. And she was by far the most caring women he had ever met. He knew his wife was a lovely woman, kind, sweet, caring. But she was no mother. Not like Sophie had become the moment Aoife was born. She was made to be a mother, her attention only on the little girl, a special smile on her face making his daughters eyes light up. Sophia was and always will be the mother Aoife needed. He watched how a smile immediately grew on Aoifes face the moment she saw Sophia. Saw the way she bounced on the balls of her feet, she way she giggled and ran over to her with arms spread wide.

He watched how Sophia knelt with a laugh and gathered his child into her arms, peppering soft kisses all over face and whispering sweet and loving words to her. He watched a mother and child who shared no blood between them love each other like they were the only people in the world who mattered to the other. In a way he felt a bit left out, a bit awkward standing there. Like he was interrupting a family bonding moment, even though he was the one who shared blood with that child.

He watched the way his child babbled to the woman, her arms waving around as she told stories. Sophia nodding and hmming and ahhing as she listened intently, helping her put on her pyjamas, putting cream on her hands, feet and face and braiding her hair back into a pony tail. The whole time, his presence was gone unnoticed by the two girls, not even acknowledged. As if he was simply a fly on a wall that they couldn't care less about getting rid of.

Matthew shifted on his feet and cleared his throat to get their attention. Once he did, that genuine smile on Sophia's face slipped into a small polite smile, and Aoifes look of happiness faded into one of uncertainty.

"Thank you for doing that. I believe its time to take your night time medicine. Come now." Aoife paled and looked at Sophia for help, but the woman simply smiled sadly.

"Go get them Love and I'll read you a story before bed okay?" Aoife looked at her unsure but finally nodded, trusting the woman with all her heart. Sophia was the only one Aoife could trust and so when she was given that warm as anything smile that filled her heart and soul with love and security, she wandered over to her father with her head down in resignation. She was doing it for Sophia, so she could get that bedtime story and tucked into bed.

Matthew held the door open and led her back down the hall and into the elevator. He pointed to the button she needed to press and a spark of excitement filled her eyes as her father gave her that little opportunity. He hardly ever let her press the lift buttons! Her giddiness continued even when they got off onto the floor which had the treatment room, where she knew that other man would be with the yucky medicines and scary needles. She was still skipping and making sounds, whispering to herself as she followed her father into the room and allowed him to pick her up and sit her on the table. But that giddiness faded when the other man came out. The scary one that was her fathers friend and her torturer.

"Next dosage, Slightly higher this time." Her father said as he began typing something on a laptop. Aoife knew the routine. She held her arm up, felt the cold alcohol wipe on the inside of her elbow, felt the tourniquet wrap around her upper arm and tighten on her skin, heard the mumblings between both men and the medicines being drawn up. She heard it all and it felt so normal, so familiar. She hated it and feared it but at the same time she knew the pain of the medicine would disappear after a few hours.

"Ready?" The man grunted and she suddenly shook her head making the man roll his eyes in annoyance. She looked at her father pleadingly.

"Sleep?" His eyes raised from the screen to look into his daughters pleading eyes and he sighed. It wasn't ideal because then they couldn't see how the medication affected her, but he thought she deserved some peace away after all she had been taking the medication daily like a champ without any sedatives for a long while now. She could afford a little break from the pain. He nodded and the man grabbed a sedative and stuck her with that with no warning. Just a small amount, not enough to knock her out but enough to make her daydream and feel woozy. Matthew realised she hadn't been given a full dose and went to say something but the man shook his head.

"In all honesty we need to make sure she doesn't get any bad side effects from this. We cant let her sleep through the process." He spoke sense and Matthew knew it, but there was always that part of him that hated seeing the amount it hurt his child to take those medications. Five different needles went into her arm, one after the other, each containing something different. He watched the way she cried silently, she way her eyes squeezing shut and mouth opened with no sound coming out of it. He saw the tears streaming down her cheeks and the sweat covering her skin. It felt like hours watching her squirm on the table until she finally blinked away the haze she was in and looked around tiredly. Her eyes landing on the needles before resting on her father.

"Night night?" She whimpered and he nodded. She was helped onto the ground and he marvelled at the way she could still stand easily. He knew it was because of the medications. They began the walk back to her room and he heard her soft whimpers.

He didn't know why he did it, they had done this walk a hundred times before. But this time his heart string pulled hard.

He held a hand out behind him, fingers stretched out offering support. Only a little bit of support.

And his lips tilted up ever so slightly when he felt her small hand grab onto his finger.