A Collection of Thoughts

2) Break

"It's not you, it's me."

The words hang there, suspended in the air between them like a bad smell. She can feel her heart breaking, she can feel herself come undone and fall apart at the seams but all she does right then is smile. It's all that she can possibly do.

"I don't want you to feel as if..."

She stops paying attention. His lips move, his eyebrows furrow in guilty admission but she's not listening any more.

There's someone else, isn't there, she wants to say. There's someone else, someone better, someone prettier. Tell me, just tell me. But she says nothing. Her lips are stretched into that god forsaken smile and her hands are on her lap, clutched so tight that her knuckles have paled and she's trying to focus on breathing because her mind's forgotten how to do it and she's constantly finding herself running out of air.

"... it's better this way, don't you see?"

It's not, she knows. How can tearing her apart be better? She's shattering, from the inside out and all he could do was sit there and look comfortingly at her.

"Tell me you're okay," he says finally. His brown eyes bore through hers and she can feel that pain, the one that started in her chest, ripple down to her lower belly until it's a burning, writhing thing that's almost enough to fall her.

Quickly, her dark head bobs up, down and she forces the smile even wider.

I love you. Don't leave me.

"I'm sorry," the boy murmurs softly. Slowly he gets to his feet, leans over and hugs her. The warmth that engulfs her is temporary, forced, but her eyes close and she tries to embed those few seconds into memory. He's going to leave her, and she's going to fall apart and nothing's going to be right anymore.

When the boy, that boy, her boy pulls away, she's sitting so still, wound so tight to keep the tears from falling, that her temples have started to hurt.

"Goodbye, Emma."

Her lips part, to speak the words, but nothing comes out. So she raises a hand instead; a silent farewell, and watches as the only man she's ever loved walks out of her life and into another's.

I love you, don't leave me.

The wave builds, crests, climaxes, then crashes. And the tears come, and the sobs rack through her and everything falls apart around her.

He's gone. It's over.