Why Are You So Twitchy?

The Loss

I finished with the task at hand, and grabbed my phone and keys. I was really about to go to Craig's house! I don't know why, but it made me feel so... happy. And, weird at that. I have no idea why.

I slide everything into my pocket, and go to my long mirror and check myself out. My curly mess on top of my head looked flattering on me today, which it never usually did. My brown jacket looked extra flattering on me, and for some reason I looked so good. I felt so good. And I also felt so horrible for no reason.

But, everything started spinning around me. I backed up onto my bed incase I was going to drop and faint, which was a good idea.

I started feeling drops land on my legs, and I look down only to see tear droplets falling from my eyes. As an emotional stress response, I grab onto my hair and slowly slide off my bed into the floor, bending over and resting my forehead onto the ground, still holding onto my hair as if it was the only thing keeping me alive in that moment. I started to weep even harder, not knowing what was going on with me. One moment, I was just fine, and the next moment I was absolutely ballistic and losing my mind. I didn't know why.

As I was having my loss of my calm that I've kept for so long now, I started to think of Craig for some reason, and that made me cry even harder.

Could I have been balling up feelings about him? Well, I couldn't of because we haven't gone through or experienced anything that would make me feel like this. Unless...

Well, I've been thinking about it at school. About him. He has made me feel so... weird. I've felt things I've never, ever felt before. Things that you would experience for a woman. Feelings. Not feelings you would experience with a man!

Maybe, maybe just maybe... he IS my woman. Without, of course actually being a woman. He makes me feel things I've never felt before. He makes me dream of things I've never dreamed before.

I would gladly be with him, hand in hand at the wedding. But, there's one thing...

You only do these things with a woman.

Unless I've lost my absolute mind, last time I was made aware, men don't date and sleep with other men. You only do that stuff with a WOMAN, not a MAN!

I got up and sat on my bed again. Now, I wasn't crying. I wiped all my tears off minutes ago, but now, now I was confused. Confused as to if I needed a correction from my mother, or if I had to correct myself. She seemed to have been gone for her side job, so she couldn't give me a correction on this kind of thing. I know she loved me, but I loved myself, too.

And I thought, I thought about it. I need to correct myself. No, I should correct myself.

I got up, shakily walking from my ongoing mental breakdown and headed to my closet, sliding the door open, and going to my belt rack. I knew what I should do.

I pulled out any old belt I could find, but I was really looking for one I've never worn before. A hard one that needed to be broken in, but could never fit because I outgrew it long ago.

It was a hard, stiff belt. Pure leather. Perfect for what I was about to do as a little correction.

I thought of my mother speaking to me, so it would really sink in my mind.

"Tweek, you know I love you, baby, but these feelings... they're not normal. You deserve to be corrected. You need to be fixed. And I can do that for you!"

That sentence stayed in my mind as I held the belt, tightly gripped in hand, and stood up. I stood up straight, looking at myself.

I grabbed the belt, and I beat as that sentence replayed in my head like a movie.

Ow! Ow! Ow! I would scream out in pain, knowing that no one would hear me. I screamed so loud to the point where I could break glass. And through that, I stopped. I stopped because I heard a bang on my front door. I gave myself one more whip, wiped my face clean of any tears or sweat that bothered to run down, and opened my door, slowly shutting it as it was a habit to me.

I walked down the stairs, and peeked through the peephole to see who was there. Sniffling as I did so, it was Craig. Staring back at me through the hole.

"Hey! Dude! You didn't come over, and I heard screaming, yelling and crying from your house! I thought something awful happened! Open the door, well, if you want... but, please do," he said, looking back at me.

I sighed and opened and unlocked the door, running back to my room as fast as I could before he opened the door. I started to sob a little, but it was okay, I guess. He shouldn't know that I needed a little correction, though. So, as a result of that, I hung the belt back up very quickly and slammed the sliding door closed. Then, he walked in to my room. He must have heard the slam and saw my door cracked opened. I'm not sure.

"Dude, are you okay? Like, what's wrong with you? You haven't been acting right for quite some time now... is everything okay?" He said, very concerned about me and my well-being.

I didn't respond, but instead ran up into him, rubbing my face into his neck, very obviously crying. I wrap my arms around his torso, needing some comfort. I needed anything I could get right now.

"Tweek... it's okay... please, don't cry, I'm here."

"I'm here."

"I'm here."

Those two words sunk into my head, and I moved my head up off his neck and removed my arms from his torso, but instead took a firm grip on his shoulders.

"C-Craig... remember when they read my diary to you?"

Craig looked at me with a confused look in his eye, then had an "ah-hah!" moment as he remembered.

"Yeah, why? Did they take it again?"

"No," I said, looking him in the eye and sniffling," I want you to take it. Take it and read it. Don't give it back until you've read every chapter of it, and don't speak to me until you have. It won't take you too long to read all of it," I said, letting go of him and turning around and bending over under my bed to grab my diary. I got back up and handed him the diary, and pushed him out of my room.

"I'm serious. Please don't come back to me u-until you've read all of it, it will t-tell you everything you need to k-know!"

"Um, okay..." he said, with a concerned but understanding look on his face.

"...anything for you, Tweek..." I believe he said, but it was so quiet that I couldn't be too sure of myself.

I watched as he walked down the stairs, and walked out of the house. He stopped at the middle of my doorway, and turned around to look me in the eyes from the top of the stairs.

I quickly run down the stairs, curious as what he was about to do or say.

I face him, eye to eye in the doorway.

"Yes, Craig?" I said, looking at him with a serious look.

"Well, I, um..." he said, pausing for a moment.

"I was wondering, if you'd like to come over for a sleepover tomorrow? You can stay for the rest of the weekend, I'll just take the bus with you back to school and back home, if you want...?"

I look at him, a soft blush creeping across my face as I slowly nod my head in agreement to his question.

"Okay... I'll see you tomorrow, then. I swear, I'll read this all by tomorrow. Anything for you," he said with a tone I couldn't quite recognize. It seemed like a tone I had when thinking of Craig in my diary. I don't know what, but it was certainly a tone.

He walks off, waving goodbye to me as I close the door and turn around, resting my back on the door and sliding down it as I smile. I smile widely, and begin to shake a little. I felt so happy that I could burst at any minute. I felt something I've never felt for anyone else before. A feeling that made me go crazy earlier, but a feeling I now deeply desire. I wanted it.

I wanted him.

So. So. So badly.

So badly.